the greatest

it's been a full month. and a happy one. i need to round it off somehow so that, years later, when this post becomes the top of the page for my August 2006 archives, i'll remember that this is the right month to reminisce about.

list of things achieved:

-found love.

there, i think that's pretty good. don't you?
of course i'm eating into my sleeping time right now and i desperately need to get to my 11am tute tomorrow (the lecturer tracked me down) but i couldn't let night go by without posting something.

my youtube has three subscribers!
at it's height, the makey outey video was rated #25 on the Most Viewed (Today) Video under News & Blogs. with 1490 views at last count.

all is well down my end, which only leaves the question, how are you doing?

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kiss kiss

why, hot bod handsome face,
you're looking so makey outey tonight.




edit: ok because it was deemed supremely unfair. i'll put one where it doesn't look so much like he's making out with a shower screen...




and because he double dared me

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filling in the blanks

under the morning (well, afternoon) light, he tells me he still means it. and so do i. it's been a crazy weekend.

all the anxieties of three posts ago were based on these things that i've never felt before, yes i was right, a shade green they were.

i met zac, the friend/bandmate/ass-shaker at the 21st which got progressively more enjoyable as i progressively got out of my funk. i'm pretty sure i got the nod with all my questionable dance moves, quoting of teen girl squad and singing along to their songs. so go me!

BFF carved in a tree.....

we need to find a song soon, otherwise this one is going to bite us in the ass.

i'm always in a much better mood with him, which makes me reach the conclusion that i should just always be with him. yah! *nods*

EDIT:
HAPPY 100th POST!!! and here's to 100 more of this crap! :P

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hearts and stars

there it was, the L word. it just tumbled out of his lips breathlessly. barely a whisper, hung in the air in some drunken euphoric bubble. it hit me, it shook me, it has never meant this much to me. i jumped out of my own stupor and managed a reply more substantial than grinning like the ass that i was, of course i took it, i took him.

reader, i love him.

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little dieter no more

well, i'm off myspace. all of a sudden i feel lighter. can't believe that little piece of crap site was causing me so much grief. blogger, msn, friendster (defunct xanga). i think that's plenty good enough.

i feel much better this morning, i should just keep taking hot showers all day.

because there's been a lack of visual stimulation, and in celebration of my freedom (and considering it was the only spot of personality i gave it), i give you

Monsters are Waiting - Fascination

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maybe maybe

i'm all strange again, and i'm terrified that it's the same old ailment. all the signs are there. i think i could quite confidently say that the exact same thing happend last time. which isn't a good sign, not at all. i need to pour my little heart out somewhere but, not here obviously.

have an ear? let me bend it?

it's not so much the feeling (i never really know what it is i feel), but i'm starting to act that same way, i hate myself. but it might not be that at all, i might be completely off the mark because this feels a shade green. but what's to say that's not the case last time too? did i really not care or did he just push me over the edge?

i'm pulling my hair out it's driving me crazy. tearing up for no good reason. is it really just because of insecurities? because that's actually good news, i'd be happy with just that. that means there's a chance still. i'm being so difficult, i really truly hate myself. i need to find some painless way to bleed myself to death, to fade. there's still tomorrow, but i don't know what's happening tomorrow. i know the options, and i know exactly what will happen with either options, i'll be fine with both, i guess, i'm just going along, always with the going along.

i need...i want... there's something that i'm just not getting...
i just need to work out what it is...

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little notes

perfume, originally uploaded by darranalice.

well....dinner was good.

word of advice, don't buy me any more perfume

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wah-wahs

like every momma would have to do at some stage, i'm weaning. that's right. it's tough love time. otherwise nothing would ever get done around here. hows about i don't see him this weekend? how you like me now huh?

i have done NOTHING all week. went to the bare minimum of lectures, read a depressingly little amount of readings. so i probably should be doing some work now instead of blogging, but, dear reader...

no i have no excuses.

reprising his reoccuring gueststar role, i had coffee with g. well now, nothing to fear. nothing stirred. maybe it was because the boy was such a mess, maybe he just lost much of his lustre outside of the dimmed lights of screenings, either way, your mistress is cured.

myspace won't let me sign in, which means i can't delete. (short lived eh?) the moment i'm in i swear i'm out.

the comics world lady is going to yell at me again...

i miss the boy.

FRIDAY FIVES TIME!!

5 ways to preoccupy myself:

1. clean this bomb shelter of a room
2. find out if it's too late for hope of passing european cinemas
3. send in all my applications, which means filling out all my applications for drama schools
4. fix internet settings so that when ever the phone is off the hook the net won't cut off
5. get some food
________________________________
listening: Mixtape! Mixtape!

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little dieter

there are times when i question my sanity while doing things. such as this afternoon, when sheer boredom and pestering pushed me, i caved.

i'm on myspace.

*shudder*

under the guise of peeping tom, full name little dieter. because that's who i am, a voyeur who needs to fly. yah. BAM! which really means i don't have to invest any of myself into it. so why do it? god knows, go ask the boy. why, even with all his whinging and complaining he's still checking it more or less daily. if i was having trouble reconciling the difference between the two of him before, i don't think i'm going to like having myspace thrown into the mixture at all.

it's been a strange day, i've been mean to people i love, for various reasons unclear to me. i'll make it up to you, all of you, in ther near (hopefully foreseeable) future. it must be just sunday. you know. sunday.

work tomorrow, i hope no one died over the weekend. no seriously, they've been dropping like flies in the area. it's so depressing i could feel the air weighing down, it could be just the cold, but i like to think it's the constant reminder of mortality. tic tic tic tic

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the boy says blog, so i blog.

but in truth there i'm not sure what to blog about. there was a tute presentation where a movie was shown containing my boy's face, and i couldn't give a proper presentation because i went a bit gooey in the middle there. but that's not really a bloggable.

oh it's friday! i should compile a list!

five warning labels i should come with:

1. will get sulky late at night if under even a minimal level of stress. such as i was last night, i hope you didn't notice, and if you did i'm sorry. but i generally forget it by the morning

2. will be able to have conversations while half asleep, it's mostly gibberish, and don't take any of them to heart, doesn't reveal anything too personal, just the most mechanical of mechanical responses.

3. very opinionated about people, and never relenting in her first impressions. unless, you know, for the worse. horribly antisocial, likes to sit in her own corner and make mental bitchy comments about people. will make up nasty nicknames for people she doesn't know

4. will say things she thinks others want to hear, for no reason at all. just a pathetic people pleaser (oo aliteration!), or will say things just to hurt people, also for no good reason at all. depending on how you catch me. but normally i just don't talk to people.

5. falls in love much too easily.


~~~
hmmm...... that went quickly. i'm too tired. so maybe i'll leave it there.

just, i wish you were here. and we can complain about the world together. and fall asleep and never have to wake up, because tomorrow, well tomorrow is going to suck without you.

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tick tick BOOM

melodramas are fun. they reflect on a lot of truth, but amp it up so much that it's all fantastical again. sometimes i sit back and watch my life, dramatising it, creating significance where there isn't any. and i want so badly to play the part well, so i have these modes i slip in and out of. the daughter, the friend, the arts student, the kid, the adult, the observer, the listener.
the girfriend.

on

off

-flick-

oh i'm pretty damn good at it too. but it also means i'm not here. the space i occupy is the imagined self wearing the masks and me, i'm somewhere else, standing behind. writing the script, creating the drama. i think of things and i just smile. this is all a day dream.

[original post deleted by user]

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killin time

my boy, originally uploaded by rice_ingenue.

my froogle list is completely empty, does that mean i'm perfectly contented with all my earthly posessions?

so today marketh the year since the end of THAT era (the reign of the j dude, happy birthday by the way, many happy returns) and fittingly i'm all ga ga again. but i'm too damned happy to care about the psychology involved.

everyone, my birthday is in less than two months. i need a little shout out for ideas. throw something at me, anything. if i have an alice in wonderland theme would you dress up? etc etc. holla if you think of something, or somewhere. or even better, organise it for me, take the bloody stupid mother fucking thing out of my hands. twenty-firsts, who needs 'em?

waiting for some sugar before i go sleep tonight. i wish i could still smell him on me. yes, there was the line, and i crossed it.

maybe blogging wasn't such a good idea right now...?

that's it, i'm bringing back the friday fives. and since i've never really kept it up on fridays i'll do one now...

after jump though, since i haven't made one of those in a while


five boys: a timeline

1. sissypants: he didn't know this at the time but i only agreed to go out with him to spite his friend. (always a beautiful beginning to relationships). a lot of wet sloppy kissing and it lasted a whole damn six months in the middle of year 9

2. kk: the original sweet and corny. with sms poetry that still entertains. 8 months rounding off year 10

3. joomy: the beautiful geek boy who dumped me. so cute it's silly. two months year 11

4. rio: my first white boy, and boy was he white. not much to say here really, cept that the last ten days both of us forgot the fact that we were still going out. and the most childish breakup behaviour ever witnessed by man. 3 months year 11

5. j dude: the first time round really shouldn't count, he cheated on someone and it just wasn't right. the second time, well, that was just crazy. don't know what it was. love? hardly. but there were loving type feelings involved and some tender moments, though far and few between. year and a few odd months ending a year ago.

you never asked, but it didn't feel fair. so there you go. i have your number, and you have mine. i'm all about fair =P

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headaches and handshakes

i'm sorry, apparently i'm not allowed to post his picture until i get the ok so...



mmmm....i'm right smitten. very much of the icky addicted-to-you sort. which isn't very good in terms of uni, i've just realised that i've got this one subject which i haven't attended a single tute for yet...

(due to rights issues the video has been removed by the user, please apply to user for copy of video sent directly to you)

i've never really blogged about anyone before so i'm still not exactly sure how to balance this, how much info i can devulge, how much info people care to read, or even if they (namely, you) care at all.

slap me over the head when i start gushing too much.



just saw Brick, brilliantly over-done, over-stylised, self indulgent, smart arse, jive talking, hip swaggering, present day highschool melodrama pretentious noir kind of good stuff. but it knows it's being pretentious, so you don't have to feel bad about getting sucked in. oh and the femme fatale gets her cumuppence in the end, as always, they all do. and my what a pretty cast.

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i don't blame you

life is strange ain't it? how could i have been so happy a mere hour and half ago only to have it turn a hard 180 on me?

let's focus on the happy for now...

he is lovely, and oh so cute! with his faces and his music and his strumming on his guitar in bed (in a very non cliched way)

~~~~~
"play me something"
"what do you want to hear?"
"anything, just put a lot of love in it"
(johnny guitar, 1954)
~~~~~

there, now that was very theraputic.

for some reason i can't go to any of the following sites, google, imdb, wikipedia (oh and hotmail but no one cares about that). so that leaves me with the only option of youtubing it up like mad or blogging constantly. neither very productive, and i know what you're thinking, but no i'm not getting off my lappy. i need it for the cancer inducing warmth.

sleeping is a much more enjoyable activity when enjoyed with other people, well, person. we've been spending every available hour together and still i miss him to bits. is that normal?

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MiFf, lunacy, and co

well...since someone else has already gotten there, with more effort and better prose, so i'll just do this:

dean's review

in a word,

Tongues!!

looks like i would only have seen two movies at MIFF this year, not volunteering sucks lemons. but they were both good fun and in good company.

dean, i'm after your dashboard, you just wait.

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shiny happy people

i don't know what i hate more, steph mac's mistake or paris hilton's stars. honestly, i hope to never have to hear either of them ever again.
the video is pretty hilarious though. you know how i have a big problem with lindsey lohan's confessions video where she's asking the father to stay while the father's beating the crap out of the mother? this is just as good.
the industry's fucked.

in other news, your mistress has a new plaything. a very sweet one at that. all the goss, the juice, and the jubilation shall be shamelessly splattered across these pages i'm sure (albeit in subtle, round about ways). but for now, let's just say i'm very happy, more so than i have been in the longest time. and i'm hoping to stay that way.

you have no idea how giddy this makes me.

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ladysmith black mambazo

happy first of august everyone! i have a feeling the rest of the year is finally looking up. but then again, i keep hoping, don't i?

the birthday is looming large again, i feel like running away again. i wish i could stay 19 forever, and for no good reason other than stupid unforgiving time, i'm stepping firmly in the "twenties" direction. seriously, if 20 was just a page holder, now i have no excuses. this blows.

in my last few months of being on the ledge looking out, i think there are a few things i'd like to accomplish. so in the place of the scrapped fives, i give you

The List

however the contents of the list would have to remain hidden, for now. i'll expose them as i set the balls rolling. that's right, i'm a tease. what are you going to do about it?

there are a few stories brewing on the home front, i'll serve it up the moment they're ready, because by god, i'll want to shout about it.

i realise this has got to be the most frustrating post ever, that's what you get my littlies, for never commenting. take that bitches.

...
i need some happier music in my arsenal
...

every once in a while, i think to myself, god i'm so glad i wasn't good enough to get into law. never more so than today. marc has finished with his arts and is now doing straight law, if you can believe it. the boy who lives in irony is now living in a lie. i went to a class with him, just to see, you know. to quote max earnst,

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