when you break someone's heart you always shatter into pieces yourself. today was spent in a delirious daze of sobbing uncontrollably, whimpering in bed, manically dialing and hanging up, and finally letting the call get through and letting everything out in one outburst that became a mild panic attack where my body contorted and i couldn't breath. i can't begin to image what he is going through.
you do tend to think about the beginning, don't you? you can't help it, and you start pin pointing all the precise moments you screwed it up. some screw ups bigger than others. some are unforgivable and causes the kind of regret that ties up your intestines and makes you want to rip out your insides. and knowing that there is absolutely nothing i can do, but beg and cry.
i had my rally team of cheer me ups. high fidelity, mean girls, by the time i got to clueless i feel relatively ok again, to get myself to the point where i can come to accept the consequences, and accept my lot.
it changes you. each time it changes you a little. a little bit more resilient, or patient maybe? i owe so much to him, his energy, the constant wanting of bettering himself. but personality changes too, tastes. carnivale, all the noir we watched the books we shared. he fueled my unhealthy appetite of moleskines with noodler's ink, penguin reds, buying paperbacks, trolling JB, ikea, borders.. we did so many nothings that were all just perfect. i was collecting pieces of a new life, things that make me feel like i'm finally living for myself, but with him, and i'm pretty sure he was too.
there's a soreness of wanting the past to restore itself, and knowing that even if we were still together, nothing would be the same. feel like the biggest fool. i just want to be a part of his life.
i need a break
Saturday, June 30, 2007
utilities
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Dating Quiz
remember the OkCupid! Dating personality test i did almost two years ago?
well since they've updated the test this year, and my situation has changed since then as well, i thought i'll take it again.
The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLD)
Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.
Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.
You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.
The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.
"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."
ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor (DGSM)
CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail (RBLM).
Do this quiz yourself.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
I'm Not There
Cate Dylan is going to rock my world. From the director of Velvet Goldmine (and we all know what a panty creamer that was), comes a poetic retelling of the life of Bob Dylan, played by Christian Bale, Cate Blanchett, Heath Ledger, Ben Wishaw (the guy from Perfume) and some 11 year old black kid. All as Dylan. Are you kids ready?
In other movie news, not only is Rescue Dawn, the hollywood version of Little Dieter Needs to Fly already completed, according to imdb the release date is set to 6 Sept down over our way. Why herzog would want to make a hollywood version of his own doco is beyond me, but it's by him and starring christian bale so my life is complete.
i need to upload some photos, but not tonight because i just can't be fucked. dean's birthday drinks, jazz's birthday drinks, photos of maya at red door burlesque. The combined efforts of both dean and myself in the camera pimping of maya is getting obscene. but hey, i was never one for holding back.
i have an insane amount of free time on my hands. which would normally be a good thing considering essays being due and all that jazz, but all it ends in is the stereogum mp3 player on the side menu on your left, a comment box on my myspace, and flickr and last.fm goodies on my facebook. oh and buying new lamps from ikea. $15 and standing tall and pretty, you can't go wrong.
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a life in nicknames. 5 nicknames i've been given throughout my life which they considered endlessly ingenious and i just sat there slightly bemused
1. Bitchy: 1998. Not because i was a bitch, but apparently for two years Barry had been referring to me as Bitchy because he thought it sounded like my chinese name. we were 13, all i could come up for him was the blackberry
2. A-Lice: 1998. Niuniu seriously loved this and used it extensively. Why didn't i fight back goddammit? i mean her name was Niuniu Ma for christ's sake. we did proceed to create the whole Aunty Knickeres, Neice Kickers craze. extention class or no, math was still just plain dull.
3. Queenie/Queenster. 2003. Created to complete the Tregsie, Carilious trio. We were a good team. i miss those days
4. QinE. 2006. While Wenyi was overseas, a love stricken James started im-ing me about how perfect this was. exact quote "it's procrustes' attempt to write Chinny on msn. it's perfect because it's really just your name + extra letter. It even has the australian provincial ring to it"...yes james...
5. Chinny-chin-chin. 2007. while standing around in a circle outside puggs, a slightly tipsy and stoned adam uttered this, which was followed by uncontrollable tipsy and stoned giggling by all, and then hungry jacks. I hate that this can never happen again, and I hate the person who caused this for making it so. Somebody fix this, if only for my purely selfish reasons.
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