smoke it

i'll start this now because i don't want this to spill over onto february archives.

but i've been mulling this over in my head. and it makes so much sense.

i'm an ornament.

what else do i have to offer? my opinions are largely ignored. (or get horrible marks when written down).

it explains everything, really, the way people react to me, the way they look at me in one of two ways. Yes there are exceptions, and i live for them.

i can just tell it's going to be a cracking good year.

i've had reservations about making this blog too personal. but as someone last night so eloquently put it. "i don't read more than the first line, it's never about anyone i know"

well honey, i really have nothing to say to that.

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songs to cuddle to

just came back from a run, right after a whole day at work too. am dead.

got a stitch 5 minutes into it because, well, warm up? what warm up? and had to keep going since who knows i'll strap on that sports bra again eh? still feel bloated though. had all three meals today!! for the first time since... got knows when. having a fat day. volunteered to work again tomorrow because frankly i need the money. so i can do my hair on thursday befor it's too late and she'll have to charge me double for my touch ups again.

but but, sunrise over sea. john butler knows me by name!! i was told today that last week he came in asking for me. BY NAME. TEEHEE~

i should stand around gawking at celebrities stupidly more often.

and another piece just fell into place last night. the little bit of information that i needed to make a drastic decision. and so it's settled then. i'll wait for the signal.

happy end of january everybody. the new year has really started.

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not a good day for morales

it's amazing what you can get out of your friends inadvertently.

i seriously don't know how i let things get this bad. i'm not this person, and yet i defend this facade that i...

i know you think it's because of you. it isn't. it's so so much more. it's my life really. at large. and you only factor into such a small part of it, and not the part you think either.

how can i make a difference when i take refuge behind this, image, this label.

if i really want to start, it needs to be complete. but how can you change people's opinions?

i think i'll settle for what i have.

why aren't you home yet, if i ever needed someone to pick me up it's now.
___________________________________________________________________________
if there was a better to go then it would find me
i can't help it the road just rolls out behind me
be kind to me, or treat me mean
i'll make the most of it i'm an extraordinary machine

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blooper reels

current mood: deckchairs and cigarettes - the thrills
"let's go to san diago, hey that's where all the kids go"
__________________________________

wenyi's party photos are taking a while to load. so i'll just waffle on for a bit until then.

wenyi's party pictures

lots lots more after jump


lets go back to the last day of summer school. went out with a bang, quite quite literally. guns and explosives and shooting blanks.

all the guns we saw


a coke can after being shot at with a blank


i had a whole lot more to say about this but i got the general impression that i scare ppl off with how trigger happy i sound. i'm not like that really, just a bit of a pyro and easily excited by loud noises.

update on the asshole situation. yeah that ship's sailed baby, you ain't never getting any from me no more. freak.

now on to more recent news, and yet further examples of my lack of spine, and a head.

happy birthday wenyi!! oh and vic and sunny too.

after the old school gang dropped me like a hot cake (aaah pish you all, curfew my ass) and the measly 4 other ppl i vaguely knew abandoned me also, i had to come up with a plan. you know that fable about the weed in the river? how some tree tried to stand rigid against the current and breaks and the weed goes with the flow and somehow survives? i never agreed with that story. many a tree stands against rapid waters and many a weeds break on top of being weak, slippery and an overall hazard. well as it turns out i AM that fucking weed. and i was right. i am all of the above.

or were they reeds?

all the same i sincerely doubt that i'm completely at fault myself.

ok it's 4:51 and i'm feeling a little sick...think i'll take a little pause and finish this after a nap...

ok 12:37 the next day. ready to have another go.

i truly cannot be fucked putting the pictures up in some neat album and what nots, honestly the majority of them don't deserve it. so here's the linky and you and see all my random shots pointed down from mid air and the extreme closeups of james.

wenyi's party pictures (repeat link)

actually i'm feeling much better this morning, so i'll scrap a whole heap of crap i was going to spew. i'll save the self loathing another day.
you give a little you take a little right? i get caught up in things and give more than i wanted, but take away with nothing. thing is i'm not sure if i want anything. i guess it's going to be like this for a while. until the day he walks up to me with a girl in tow and introduces her to me as his. will there be pain? i think there just might, but after the pain, release. hopefully. until then nothing will mean all that much. i'll drift on in and out of arms listlessly and leave them all wondering in my wake. i'm a flake.

gor gor said it sounds like i'm taken advantage of and he don't like it. i'm glad you look out for me but i more than know what i'm doing and how to handle myself. i just need you to pick me up afterwards. is that ok?

now that we're on this side of jan valentines day is looming large again. and i see the curse still hasn't been broken. i live in hope.

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random coolness

does this look dirty to you?

click on through, you know you want to...


ok, to me, the two spokes with the stumpy ends look clearly like a pair of legs, and therefore through my infinitely great powers of deduction, that thing inbetween the legs is clearly doing something very rude, or at least not something to be displayed on your front lawn. maybe i've just been programmed to see things that aren't there, damn all that porn on my hard drive. that sculpture(?) was erected on some front lawn in my street a month ago and i've been staring at it since and just had to present to you, my sucky readers to teach them a lesson in spreading the love.


bleh, i'm tired.

but good news my minions. today saw a personal breakthrough for me. for the past month now i've been plateaued at the 49.something kg mark. some inprecise decimal point under 50 but never by far. this morning, i was officially 48.something. to celebrate i got a big bopper from soda rock for dinner and YES! i've levelled in at exactly 49 after food. i am officially no longer lying in my screenfaces.com profile.

oh and i received karen chan's 21st invite, in the fancy envelope with the fancy printing telling me it's a fancy updo on a cuise liner. (depart at 6.45 sharp and return at 11!) i want to be rich too.

to finish things off i'll just post up a whole heap of pictures methinks. i'll leave off the profound thoughts for weekends and public holidays.

a startled dean


a bored and annoyed adelaide kid (i tend to bring that out in people)


the token londoner


dean again, with ari (erm...i'll check her name tomorrow)


and i know you've all been waiting for this, i present, the asshole aka damien/jeff

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auld lang syne

long time no blog, slight apprehensions.



clicky clicky...


generally i would look back on how i spent my nye and how i felt as 0101 clocked in and decide on how the entire year would go and make my resolutions hence forth. (the superstition, as stupid as it sounds, rings true every damn year, resolutions don't) however as i had passed the mighty gong completely on my own in the middle of watching will and grace entirely oblivious to the hour, my hopes were not high, and as such, no resolutions were made.

(it's not as sad as it sounds, i did walk out onto the bridge to watch the fireworks and shared a drink with a bunch of random strangers. there are worse situations to be)

and thus begins my year of independence. and true independence this time, not just the oh-woe-is-me-why-am-i-so-alone horror of 03. i don't need anyone to do things. and that's all that there is to my problems, lack of things being done. and all that self-pity shit that i continually heap upon myself.

people suck. i knew that.

that's not all doom and gloom either, i think it's an important lesson. it's one thing to trust people, but to rely on others is a totally different matter. people, as the collective noun, is not a reliable bunch. and to get things done, you make to do lists for yourself only. not exactly the GTD school of thought, but close to.

so here is my list of things to come:

- writing: rather than making random notes every so often, string the bloody things together and churn out a screenplay.

- graduate: aah...you'd think that's a sure fire thing wouldn't you?

- get an agent: harder than it sounds, experience be damned!

- overcome my ever sinking sense of self-worth: who woulda thunk it. but at least i'm fitting into the stereotype nicely

- get smarter around people: diplomacy is killing me

so there, not exactly resolutions but just as difficult to maintain. i'll let you know how it all goes.

and the filmmaking summer school is almost over, i was going give a day by day coverage but, hell, i was recouping. i'll give the general gist instead.

oh oh! dean ashton is volunteering, the walking imdb, nice guy, and i suck at communicating.

the script guy was an idiot. rules of genre my ass. by the way it seems that every industry member has this ridiculous fixation on the rules of genre, maybe uni's been lying to us all along, and just when i was getting really fired up on genre theory too... the first cinematographer was better, though by the fourth hour it was more like "ok you liked se7en, we get it" (all the cinematographer's and gaffer's liked se7en, and everyone else liked american beauty...strange)

but i guess the most fun would have to be the people there. madrid, the gawky dredlocked circus monkey who juggles and does backflips off trees (who's real name is nachos believe it or not); cute little adelaide sk8r boi who got dreds through sheer laziness (cute as in he's 18); token londoner who stays true to his heritage and gets plastered daily while out listening to kitchy bands; fcuk guy who don't talk much, and then there's the asshole...

shit like this could only ever happen to me. the asshole, aka damien, who has probably been labelled the cool kid all through the four highschools he's been kicked out of and obviously thinks the purpose of everything that crosses his path is to serve him, thought me one of those play things. one of those, fun to know and laugh at but kill me before i have to spend any time with him types. i don't know, blame it on boredom, blame it on the fact that he's been travelling for the last four years and somehow that deterrs from how repulsive i find his person, now i'm playing out a tom and jerry sequence for the classes. three more days to go.

at least i'm learning shit right? STEADICAMS!! i want one! i might need to get a harness specially made if i ever needed to work with one but fuck me if it ain't the coolest thing ever. and i want the new macbook pro with final cut pro...and i really really want the new pana HVX200 roughly $8000AUD coming in march...

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
he starts with her back
cos that's what he sees
when she's breaking his heart
she still fucks like a tease
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

saw an old friend last night. merely a little girl still, but wasted. in a stinkin' hot dingy little room surrounded by people equally young, and equally wasted toppling around over and on the dozens of empty bottles of hard alcohol. i thought since she got into it early she'll grow out of it early too, breaks my heart.

nothing i can do i suppose. nothing i can do about much it seems. i'll just keep wanting...

give me a head start, i'll get there before you i bet.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
you're not a landmine,
you're not a goldmine,
no you're not mine at all
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

headshots time this coming friday! yay! but the prints are so damn expensive. i'll post as many of them up as i can afford.

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