utilities

when you break someone's heart you always shatter into pieces yourself. today was spent in a delirious daze of sobbing uncontrollably, whimpering in bed, manically dialing and hanging up, and finally letting the call get through and letting everything out in one outburst that became a mild panic attack where my body contorted and i couldn't breath. i can't begin to image what he is going through.

you do tend to think about the beginning, don't you? you can't help it, and you start pin pointing all the precise moments you screwed it up. some screw ups bigger than others. some are unforgivable and causes the kind of regret that ties up your intestines and makes you want to rip out your insides. and knowing that there is absolutely nothing i can do, but beg and cry.

i had my rally team of cheer me ups. high fidelity, mean girls, by the time i got to clueless i feel relatively ok again, to get myself to the point where i can come to accept the consequences, and accept my lot.

it changes you. each time it changes you a little. a little bit more resilient, or patient maybe? i owe so much to him, his energy, the constant wanting of bettering himself. but personality changes too, tastes. carnivale, all the noir we watched the books we shared. he fueled my unhealthy appetite of moleskines with noodler's ink, penguin reds, buying paperbacks, trolling JB, ikea, borders.. we did so many nothings that were all just perfect. i was collecting pieces of a new life, things that make me feel like i'm finally living for myself, but with him, and i'm pretty sure he was too.

there's a soreness of wanting the past to restore itself, and knowing that even if we were still together, nothing would be the same. feel like the biggest fool. i just want to be a part of his life.

i need a break