tidings

After finishing an utterly unsatisfying 2006 round-up survey on myspace, i thought i'll come spread some love on my blog. What with it being Friday and all. and i've missed last week's list too. so you'll get a double whammy this time round.

what did 2006 do for me? i still haven't come to terms with it been 2006 and now we're slowly creeping into 07. i still can't stand the fact that i've lived 21 years in this world. false hopes. i had a lot of false hopes, right from the start of the year and dragging it's own pathetic self all the way to the end. i also walked into uni with the belief that this year was going to be different. well everything was different, i finally saw through the academic game and decided too late that i hated it. well no actually, i didn't care enough about it to make a decision either way. i just kept going to half the classes and not doing any of the work. i stopped considering what i was learning and started judging the credibility of everything thrown at me.

i pulled myself out of the little corner i scared myself into, only to be crawling along the back wall and clasping tightly on the friendly faces. all the while being absent. i'm still as awkward as i ever was, now with the added self-doubt on top of the self-consciousness and self-analysis. i'm slowly losing control over my temper, without fixing the problem of becoming dreadfully inarticulate when incensed. the nightly round of waterworks is back with a vengeance, it's comforting when i have a pair of arms clamped around me but more often than not it's not here. in a lot of ways i'm much the same as last year, mostly the same opinions, judgements, self-loathing. but then again i can't just write this year off.

There's the boy, who is so unaffectedly beautiful that it kills me to be without him for even a second. but then i get all caught up in my own personal tragedy and i push him away, just so i can indulge in my misery. it's pretty pathetic. and if he acts in a way short of what i hoped he would i start pushing him away again just so i can indulge in my indignity. which is even more pathetic. i still need to get my head around the fact that while i see him as my lifeline, he's not in such a crisis and needs other distractions than my suffocating cries.

and there's all the other people, you've met them in my links panel. they've helped me maintain a facade of sanity. and i've only just realised, holy crap these are friends that i actually choose! and since i seem to make a habit of pushing away everyone who i'm not absoclutely in love with i'm left with quite a selective bunch. i'm opening applications for friends for 07 right now, sign up people, good(/bad) films and philosophical(/inane) conversations await you!

there are certainly some bright spots in my temple of gloom, the import thing is to concentrate on those and forget the others right? well i'm sorry if it's not coming along as easily as i'd hoped but i'm trying. for the moment though, the less i think the better.

so. now i owe you two lists

5 goals

- to continually write something so that i'll have something substantial to show at the end of the year
- to keep hacking and hopefully make some leeway on this acting thing that's not really taking off
- to continually love and adore the boy and making him see just how important he is to my world that something like the fight we had the night of the 15th would never happen again
- to get my p's
- to loose three kilos

5 scenes in 2006

- veronika, bar 20, private room
- horrendously cold cafe in the early early a.m's that bore witness to what could possibly be the most awkward and best first kiss ever
- thursday of that week. he knows why
- second morning at beach house, he was still sleeping, i sat by his side reading Sweet Bird of Youth
- sprawled across my living room carpet clutching the phone and barely breathing, nida had just delt me with a blow and he was angry at me, my world shattered into insignificant pieces