through the Looking Glass

Moment of silence

2010-06-16T16:12:00.003+10:00

Tomorrow I'm out of here kitties. My nails are painted and ready to go with a glaring shade of ruby red. Jag-U-Are. That is actually what it is called. It's the first time I can paint my nails for a long while, they wanted to come out and say hi. Since I'd be meeting people of a more upstanding calibre than usual it was probably best that the colour was something that was more within the accepted range of normality. I'll save the harlequin checks for after I get back.

Two weeks absence, give or...give two days. My level of readiness at what is now roughly 14 hours away from takeoff is tip off to how I feel about the whole skipping town situation. That is to say, not ready at all. At least it won't be the all nighter ordeal that was the 48 hours before my flight back to Australia back in December.

I am feeling somewhat optimistic though. Finally leaving would also mean that I'll finally be on the last legs of being in such close proximity to the giver of my lifeblood, the lioness to my cub, the cause of all this buzzing in my head that I spend all my life trying to get rid of. The last three weeks has not been easy. I was kept sane by occupying what little space between us with things. Filling up all the time with anything but silence, or the promotion of conversation. Movies, mostly. Movies I knew would offer the least amount of argument, mostly Oscar winners and nominees of the past year that I didn't deem to be required viewing at the time of release.

But this post is not about that. This post is about the sunnier, sparkier, sweatier future awaiting my return. It would be July, and it would be glorious. This Summer break has not been much of a break yet, for a lot of people, but July would eventually come and lift the straps off our heavy heavy hearts, expertly running its fingers over our back finding every knot and kneading it back into submission. I intend on not doing very much in July. It would be the long refreshing nap that gets you ready. The one that's full of promise. Reader, we're going to love July.

2010-05-31T09:13:00.003+10:00

***
Accompanying material:

Metropolis Unbound - David Bordwell
Observations on Film Art
***

I'm not too ashamed to admit that I've never seen more than 25 minutes of Metropolis. I've tried, 7 times in total, to sit through it but I always seem to fall asleep at about the same 10 minute mark into the film and wake up at around the same final 1/3rd before calling it a day and taking it back to the Video Ezy at which point the old man with the blue glasses that owns the place would again, laugh at me.

I don't think it's a silent film thing, I've begrudgingly sat through a back to back presentation of Battleship Potemkin and Oktyabr, which would arguably kill most people. Individually of course they're both worthwhile and thrilling and game changing as far as cinema goes (please don't shoot me Felicity!), but a double bill, well that's just a torture device.

And I'd be the first to admit. I've slept through a lot of films at uni. I don't know, once you start watching 4 prerequisite films a week in lecture halls that promote drowsiness it doesn't matter if you're watching Battle of Algiers (which you know is "important"), you will start nodding off (which I did). But that's not it either. I have tried to watch Metropolis in a variety of settings, with a variety of different soundtrack versions, at different times of the day, all to no avail.

Mr. Bordwell's article has ignited a renewed spark. Perhaps with all these gleaming new insights in mind I can give it a final college try.

***

Reading back on what I wrote last night, I must apologise for the lack of focus, structure, or anything really. I was trying to think while maintaining a conversation with my mother and the Quantum of Solace was also competing for my attention in the background. A lot of things, other than my thoughts, were happening.

I guess what I ended up concluding is that, I tend to glorify "real life". Something inside me obviously feels that I would never actually live that life. Man, woman, house, home, children, animal. I'm sure it's somehow Jungian, that it has something to do with the fact that I never grew up having all that. I'm also sure that some overpaid shrink would be able to trace my dramatic aspirations to this "lacking" childhood. It's simpler than that. I like to play house, because I am a child. For a period last year I had a brief go at domesticity. The relationship itself was a bit of a joke, neither one of us gave enough of ourselves for it to be in any way real but you know what my favourite moment was? That first day I stayed at his apartment for the whole day by myself without him, I made sure I cleaned, and had dinner in the oven by the time he stepped in the door. As he ate what I had prepared for us, he told me that was his favourite meal. That moment, like some stepford wife, was probably the highlight of the entire 8 month period I spent with that boy. The feminist inside me is rearing to have a right thrashing of that version of me.

Last night I was listening to a three week old podcast of LNL with Phil Adams. They were talking about the massacre in Congo and how rape has now turned in a weapon of war. The statistics are not shocking, though alarming. The UN estimates that over 200,000 girls and women has been raped during the extent of the civil war, and growing. With the youngest victims being about 3, and the oldest being 75. A vast majority of these rape cases are perpetrated against teens 12-17 years old, and an even more disturbingly large majority being gang rape of up to 7 armed soldiers on one girl in public. It's actually more shocking how unsurprising these horrific stats are, but the most interesting thing to have come out of these events is this women's movement that's starting to happen. Because of the public nature of these crimes, it's allowed for these victims, these women, to have conversations, march the streets even. It's prompted them to want change, to have women in positions of power. It's kind of exciting, to have a renewed surge in a women's movement, as opposed to the three steps back we're taking in our more developed worlds, and in my own world.

We're going to watch Mao's Last Dancer now, so that'll do for tonight before I get too distracted again.

The Glorious Mundane

2010-05-30T13:42:00.003+10:00

When I think about all the stories I've been drawn to, had affected me in some way, they all seem to follow a similar tangent. Intimate stories mostly in search of home, trying to find some kind of purpose other than the tedious to family, proving to myself that there is art to heart. There's comfort in knowing that remarkable people, people I admire would be as interested in a small and insignificant life as I am. I don't think I'm supposed to want that, as an actor I mean. I didn't think I ever would either, but here I am, looking on longingly at the final shot of Away We Go as some kind of final reward -- uncomplicated bliss. I know that a lot of my friends, people I thought I was much more alike, still find that ghastly, many of them find Away We Go ghastly dull. Perhaps this is some passing phase.

A recurring theme of the past few years of my life has been this fort building game of mine. Finding out what I need, and discarding what I don't. Learning to live out of boxes and scuttle everything that constitutes a home with me. I had a hermit crab when I was younger, it never got a name, it didn't feel right to name something that carried its whole existence on its own back. Like any egotistical child who read too much and had too much time on her hands, I found great poetry in my hermit crab. I took pride in my ability to adapt, falling into new homes, new friendship circles, new living situations so easily. I guess I still am like that.

The pursuit of my perfect world becomes harder when each move puts more distance between the where I am now and where I was. I wish I could pack people and relationships up in boxes like my books. That would be the major shift from when I was young I guess, when friends became what they were meant to be, my lifeblood. If I had to put a finger on why this sudden wanting of the small life came about, it would simply be because of the fact that I finally found the the joy of something like family through my clinging onto to people I want to keep in my life, and now there's a growing urgency because it's becoming clear that I would never have everything I want in this utopia of mine. Who cares about all the new forms of communication in this world, for all your skypes and facebooks and emails, best they can do is maintain an ebbing stream of consciousness. As my roots in New York plant itself more firmly, I feel a pull from everyone back home. All the people who helped me find my feet, made a woman out of me, if you will, people who knew every embarrassing minute detail of my life, why aren't you here already? 2012 couldn't come any sooner, and when the moment arrives, you'd all better live up to your word. 'sall I'm saying.

With growing intensity, I've been wanting to do what we've always talked about, to drop everything and move to Oaxaca together for a month or two, or three. That would be enough for me, a small piece of my perfect small life. Soon, my kitties, soon.

Home Song Stories

2010-05-26T03:20:00.004+10:00

It's time to plan another trip to China. It's been 3 years since the last time I visited. Last time, that happened.

No more week long death rituals this time, for which I'm thankful. No more monasteries either, which is a bit of a shame. China is always one of those place I reluctantly go because I have to, to visit people I feel a vague connection to, eat, sleep, and shop because there's nothing else to do. It's always a good time to catch up on some reading, and to catch a glimpse of teen Asia that which I so despise through hours upon hours of Chinese channel [V].

My diaspora exists somewhere within the collective unconscious of expats who grew up to run away. My memories of 'home' are happy and few, and of a place that is no longer there. I have no allegiance with the murky cosmopolitanism clouding those cities I'm supposed to call my own. Most of my mothers friends who have not let go of their motherland think I'm some kind of haughty, rejecting my traditions and culture. They think they understand on some primitive way, treating me like a rebellious teenager, "Westernised". What they couldn't understand is that this could never be some cookie cutter rebellion. Away with everything Chinese and long live the Queen! The traditions I remember are my own. Making wontons with my mother and grandmother. The music, my mother's performances. The dances I led in primary school. All the things that belong to the "New China" movement while it was still in its infancy. I embrace all of these. The bubbling motion happening now within a certain sect of Chinese intellectuals creating new art forms is incredibly exciting to me.

What I absolutely despise is the mass whoring out of that particular brand of "Chinese Culture", the kind that's meaningless. The kind you wear to show off the past you do not part take in. Someone once said of me in a somewhat dissenting tone, that apart from speaking in Chinese with my mother I may as well be white. Well, what should I do to satisfy your objectification of Chinese? Does it have to be specifically regional, or would anything that could be generally considered exotic to you be enough? My grasp of the language is very much the defining streak of my Asian identity. It's my only key to all the nuances of the culture that does not make me nauseous.

I'm hoping that my upcoming trip would consist solely of meeting interesting, like minded people, and a minimal of having to look at that which I hate. I know it's an annoying tendency that I have, my absolute refusal of having anything I don't like in my world. But it makes my world better, and until something happens that would make me feel different I don't see why I should be the one to change.

sonatine

2010-05-20T17:39:00.006+10:00

I still remember the last time my fingers traced over a piano knowing that the keys under them were still in my command. I remember all those performances at random society ladies homes for the Musical Society of Victoria where I had just phoned it in. Like that one time, when my mind was elsewhere when I was playing that Beethoven sonata, and I skipped the development altogether and jumped from exposition straight to the recapitulation. That entire musical chapter of my life, I just completely glossed over. The fact that I had a fucking grand piano in my house since the age of 12 apparently never phased me. Or the fact that my piano teacher's whole family became family friends who, if you can believe it, we had traveled Europe with. Or even the fact that despite my obvious deficiencies, the Music Society ladies kept calling me month after month requesting performances during their recitals, an honour which a more diligent student would have killed for, but I merely winced in annoyance at. The amazing concerts I went to and yawned at. I knew people with far more talent than I, who started playing at a far younger age, and I knew I was never going to be a pianist, for that reason alone it became just child's play. Did I at any stage realise how amazing it was that I had that amount of serious musical education?

I've been thinking about this for a while now. Every time I hear classical music, I realise again and again how charmed my upbringing was in relations to music. It takes a lot of virtuosity to impress my privileged mind. It was not until Elianto, that phenomenal little string quintet I heard in the goddamn subway station that stayed my foot for almost half an hour that I noticed the pain of something missing in my life. I have not touched a piano in a serious way now for about 8 years. Two more and that's about how long I played it altogether. In terms of childhood memories, the piano was a source of pain, even in the later years when I tried to alter my relationship with this instrument I had to strap myself to 2 hours a day, sometimes a lot more, it was too late. Like a bad romance novel, the negative habits had already set their form.

I'd give anything to have a chance to play again, but there really isn't a solution to this problem. Yes there are pianos at studio, but to practice something that's 8 years stale in such a public space horrifies me. Besides, I need to play about 48 hours worth of scales before my fingers would work the way I'd want them to again, and that is just not something that anybody wants to hear. Keyboards are....keyboards. I like a synthesizer as much as the next person but in terms of piano pieces, they take all the musicality out and replace it with a throbbing dance beat.

O woe is me.

A particular favourite of mine to play back in day. And, if I may be as bold to say, I would have kicked the shit out of this guy. (only this piece though, because I loved it so much.)

Ambitions

2010-05-17T05:46:00.006+10:00

Blogging during daylight hours? WHAAAT?

Do not fret, my kitties, I am just as sleep deprived as always when I come around to this blinking cursor, and my prose, I trust, would take on much of that same level of lucidity.

Taking the proverbial stroll down a narcissistic memory lane, I started reading my old blog posts and old emails these past two nights. As cringe inducing as moments were during this sojourn, I did find my old self to be a more interesting specimen that this person sitting here today. Thoughts were better phrased, ideas more succinct -- readers, I used to think.

(The above literary device taken from the first line of the final chapter of Jane Eyre was something else my more interesting former self used to utilise all the time. I have, I am ashamed to say, not accumulated any more such devices, because apparently I have reached my cultural peak during high school. Which was 7 years ago. She says as she cuts up another piece of Chocolate Peanut Butter Fudge and swallows it whole)

All this is by ways of saying, you may begin to notice slight changes at this address from now on. I wouldn't think of altering anything that has already been because, for some stupid reason, that form of self censorship feels like cheating. I may occasionally correct an obvious typo or 2 if I happen across them. Some of you may have already noticed that I have removed all traces of this blog from my facebook presence, barring the link in my website section of the profile. I will be more militant about updates. I will attempt new things. There will be a new category of posts I'm proposing to start working on. In the interest of full disclosure, it will be an instruction manual of sorts. It's an idea I've been toying with, oh what the heck, it's already out -- Madam Qin's Guide for the Girl About Town.

It would be just random bits of information that covers living in a city as I'm slowly working it out for myself, chapter by chapter. You know, there'd be a post on cooking and how to stock the perfect start-up kitchen and a few simple tasty recipes. Make up and fashion tips I can wax lyric on myself. How to clean things properly, what to use, it still amazes me that young people don't know about the windex + newspaper combo for mirrors. How to set up a home stereo system. How to change the oil in your car. How to shop for a second hand car. Basic home repairs. Simple life things that a lot of girls don't seem able to do on their own. Maybe include an etiquette section because we all know that's going out the window. I can spend a few paragraphs on the wonders of OxiClean, talk about breakups and have a humorous list of healthy and unhealthy ways of handling things. Sickness and how to feel better in every situation. Basic over the counter drugs guide. Healing powers of Matzo Ball soup (see rules #5 and #37 of my rule book). How to load a freakin' roll of toilet paper without needing Kleenex to conduct a nation wide survey. It's ALWAYS over, people, no exceptions.

Travel tips, I've already started on that. I have my air travel process down pat. Down to every single carry on item and where I store them and when I take them out at what point of the flight. The order I take off my coat, shoes, take out my laptop to optimise a speed through of the security checks. I'm an air travel ninja. Have you seen Up In The Air? I'm George fucking Clooney in that movie.

A big part would be how to fill out forms and what to look for in contracts for work or properties. I'll get my lawyer friends to help me with those. I'd get expert advice in each category except for the ones I don't need them on, namely, makeup. It's going to take a long time, and eventually published, I hope. It would be thick and weighty with lots of pictures. It'd be encyclopedic in information and parents would give it to their daughters on their 18th birthdays as a reference guide to the rest of their lives. In the print edition I would provide up to date lists for must read, watch, listen items, but less for actual quality, although quality would have to be guaranteed, but more for the cultural expansion of knowledge so that said daughter would get the references made in the world they're stepping into.

Ambitious, no? But that's the 5 year plan. For now, I'll start small, very small. In fact the moment I hit publish I am going to regret putting this out into the world at all and probably do nothing about it.

I also have a Momofuku's Crack Pie date to go to, so toodles for now!
(It would appear that I may need to write a chapter on stunt eating, and use myself as an example of what not to do.)

Slop Bucket

2010-05-14T16:21:00.006+10:00

As promised, summery days and nights arrived ahead of its cue, and like an embarrassed child, retracted apologetically. We did manage to slip in a few fun filled days in the park during its brief appearance, as most of you on facebook (read: everyone) already know. That was one way to while away the listless daylight hours now. I suppose I could (should) start the job hunt on the illegal overseas student employment market. If there are any readers out there who are owners of manhattan based establishments willing to take on a neurotic (in an entirely professional way) Asian (= hard working) girl who is constantly on the quest for approval (= fantastic customer service), please, save me the trouble and drop a line.

Apart from that, I think I'll just continue on my mission of watching every episode of shows on netflix I'd always wanted to watch but never had the time to.

That would only be until mother arrives, of course.

I need to make it clear though, here, for everyone to see. I, Alice Bing Qing Tao Qin, hereby swear that my work ethic is going to shape right up, as of, errr.....now. Remember my fuck it manifesto? Well it's now going to include this amendment.

On top of not being afraid of creating and treating it like first time sex (just get it done so you can get on to the much better second and third time sex, according to merlin mann) I will actually go further, do more than the bare requirement. Ask more of myself than what is asked by the other people around me. Not just getting the job done but banging it out of the park. I'm mixing metaphors here but you get the idea. Because let's face it, being "good enough" is too easy, and unsatisfying (shit, the sex puns just want to write themselves). There, it's in print now, and you can all hold me to it.

CALL ME OUT ON MY BULLSHIT, people. If I'm clearly not trying hard enough, slap me, hard.

The fat trimming would begin, coincidentally, with fat trimming. Before you guys start on me, yeah, I know I'm not fat. I'm clearly not thin either, and the truth is I probably never will be simply because of my body shape. But for someone who has always sat on the "underweight" side of the BMI scale, to be smack bang in the middle now makes me sad. Regular regimen, cutting out most of the junk (save for my How I Met Your Mother dates, because girl talk and sitcoms are not the same without chocolate), and throwing out my takeout menus. Earning points on Delivery.com is just not worth it. That's enough airing of laundry for the night.

**

I have had a fine start to my summer break, people. Enjoyed the company of great people, learned a lesson in managing expectations... there is one thing nagging the back of my head though.

I lost a friend recently. No, no one died, but through an offhand comment, I had manged to offend someone irrevocably. Obviously, a button got pushed that I shouldn't have played around with in the first place. I have went over my words repeatedly and have decided point blank, that I would not apologise for them, because the entire friendship was based on two people who can be brutally honest with each other, and an apology would simply be a lie. Knowing him to be who he is, I am sure he would not see my side of things either. Stale mate, a friend is lost. I haven't thought about this for days now, namely because I've had a blissful few days, and I'm a brilliant compartmentaliser. But today, waking up in an empty bed, feeling a little disoriented and then realising that the person I normally try to make sense of it all to, to jot down these related elements in my life in a cohesive way, I can no longer relate to. For that, on a day that I was already kinda bummed, the arrow ticked over into the blue zone.

Let's focus on the bliss for a moment here. I won't go too much into it, but good food, good friends, and other kinds of good times. The lesson here is to just go with it, that if it feels right, then don't let inconsequential things hinder you any. And High Fidelity is still an awesome film no matter how many times I've seen it.

The Girlfriend Experience is on showtime right now. You know, for someone who performs like a champ in front of a camera for adult activities, Sasha Grey is really an incredibly dull person. Speaking of which, could we pause for a moment to revel in the recently resurrected hotness of scarjo? She has reclaimed her heights at the Match Point levels of hot, meaning, had I not been in the company of people, I may have had a much bigger reaction to that last black widow fight sequence.

Alright, this post is now officially living up to its title, time to call it a night. It is now a Friday though, so you know what that means...

Five scenes from my life in 2010 so far.

* The night before leaving Melbourne, Dean, Maya and Yoyo in my drive way, making things impossible.

* After Jimmy's critiques of the Poetry Projects, the running outside followed by the 45 minutes of uncontrollable sobbing that occurred.

* Studio 2F, Voice and Speech class, the most awkward thing to have happened this year, you know what I'm talking about.

* Corner of 32nd and 5th Ave, outside Chicken Revolution, two girls screaming at each other about life changing things.

* Walking out of Hotel Chelsea with a certain red head

More Narcissism Than You Asked For

1. What time did you get up this morning?
Chris texted me before noon, I woke up, typed a reply, fell back asleep before hitting send... I'm going to go with noon.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds, duh.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Iron Man 2. It was good times

4. What's your favorite TV show?
Studio 60, Mad Men, and then a lot of trash I'd rather not admit to but you all know anyway

5. What did you have for breakfast this morning?
Nothing, refer to question 1.

6. What's your favorite cuisine?
The carb/starch portion of most cuisines. Breads, Rice, Potatos, Pasta, Noodles. I could KILL a garlic naan right now.

7. What foods do you dislike?
Coriander

8. What is your favorite chip flavor?
Red Deli chips Lime and Black Pepper (someone please send me some)

9. What's your favorite CD at the moment?
Today was a Portishead - Dummy kind of day.

10. What kind of car do you drive?
used to. Pug, I miss it, it's a sad story.

11. Favorite sandwich?
the closed smxl at Melbourne Central 5/6 years ago. Moroccan Lamb, served by Tony. (If you know who I'm talking about, please contact me)

12. What characteristics do you despise?
Arrogance, Ignorance,

13. What is your favorite type of clothing?
Comforting

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation.Where?
Barcelona

15. What color is your bathroom?
Painfully white.

16. Favorite brand of clothing?
My own that I'm totally going to create that only makes one size in each style

17. Where would you retire to?
Melbourne. Really truly.

18. Favorite time of the day?
Dusk

19. What was your most memorable birthday?
My 21st. It was super low key, with very select people, and I actually remember it being happy.

20. Where were you born?
China

21. Favorite sport to watch?
Errrr.... Anything during the Olympics. Tennis during Aussie Open, Soccer during World Cup, but if there's some sitcom marathon on at the same time I'd totally pick the sitcom

22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you?
no one

23. Person you expect to send it back first?
I will be sending this to no one

24. What fabric detergent do you use?
Bounce dryer sheets

25. Were you named after anyone?
I was named after a Chinese proverb. Alice I just picked out of a dictionary.

26. Do you wish on stars?
no, I prefer to ask questions to the solitaire gods

27. When did you last cry?
When Bernard's voice quivered during my evals, I lost it.

28. Do you like your handwriting?
When I'm trying, it's ok, but not really.

29. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
I like to think so.

30. Are you a daredevil?
haaaaaa. In that I do stupid shit, yes.

31. Do looks matter?
Yes. Absolutely. But how a person look to you changes as you learn more about them.

32. How do you release anger?
In imagined outbursts while I'm lying in my bed. Or in very passive aggressive ways.

34. What were your favorite toys as a child?
Books. I was a boring kid. Actually I just liked playing with other kids. Jump rope, stunt jump rope, hide and seek, stunt hide and seek, trying to kick shuttlecock.

35. What class in High School was totally useless?
Chinese, because we had a bullshit teacher who even my mother agrees I could have taught.

37 Favorite movies?
Check my facebook profile

38. What are your nicknames?
I did a Friday Five on this once...

39. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Not often

40. Do you think that you are strong?
Resilient.

41. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
Pistachio - because I'm an old lady.

42. What are your favorite colors?
Right now it appears to be green. Bright colours that make me happy

43. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
I don't like it when I talk. I communicate better in noises.

44. Who do you miss the most?
ergh, where do I begin. My grandfather, Dean, Maya, Yoyo, Daphne, Cary, Ryan, my boys Miles and Charlie.

45. Do you want everyone you sent this to, to send it back to you?
......no

46 What color pants are you wearing?
I'm wearing a dress right now

47. Last thing you ate?
Fudge

48. Favorite song?
This is joke response because the question has to be a joke. Mao! Mao! by Claude Channes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQI50yhLXGM

49. If you were a CRAYON what color would you be?
Yellow. Right? RIGHT???

50. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Hannah, arranging our Crack Pie date tomorrow

51. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Eyes, then if I'm interested, shoulders then lips.

52. Favorite drink?
Tea

53. Do you wear contacts?
Yes

54. Favorite day of the year?
First day of Spring, New Years Day.

55. Endings happy or sad?
Happy

56. Winter/summer?
errrrrrr.... Winter, because I look cuter.

57. Hugs OR Kisses?
Hugs

58. What is Your Favorite Dessert?
Something light. Fruit over dessert most of the time

59. What Book(s) are you reading?
ergh. I'm a pathetic book reader right now

60. What is on your mouse pad?
you mean what's on my trackpad? well worn finger marks

61. What Did You Watch Last night on TV?
Arrested Development

62. Favorite Smells?
Clean laundry coming out of the dryer, Pillows a cute boy slept on after he's left, Clean hair, Armani Sensi

63. Stones or Beatles?
Beatles. I do love me a bit of Stones too though

64. What's the furthest you've been from home?
Right here.

here comes the sun

2010-04-09T14:35:00.008+10:00

Or, coming out of 'Pause Poise'
...which would literally mean 'waiting to exhale'

Did I tell you that my room is, for the moment at least, "complete"?

Bedside table, assembled. Posters, up. Bookshelves, overflowing. I have the most perfect cozy nook this side of 14st street (as far as I'm concerned), and I'm not afraid to roost.

The funds are getting tighter, which makes my 'easy living' something of a game. The weather is finally turning on the charms. I remember this time last year I was discovering new land, and myself, cohabitation, and making new friends whom I wish I could see more often, or even at all. Early Spring days that feel like summer could now only mean Coney Island, gelati, and spontaneous bursts of joy - all very good things to associate with (except for Coney Island, which is just hilarious). This time around it would never be the same again, and as nostalgic as I like to be sometimes, I'm still pretty freakin' excited.

Drama school is, as common knowledge, pretty much synonymous with psycho therapy. Either replacing it, or driving you towards it. Being the usual ball of needy mess that I am (while maintaining a perfectly painted and pruned exterior), the summer finally means a chance to get my breath back. Release from the 'Pause Poise', if you will. The well of insecurities which I managed to clamp shut most of this semester finally broke a few weeks ago, and with it everything else broke too. Got sick for the first time in ages, felt alone for the first time in ages, got back on my feet on my own for the first time in ages, and looked forward to a break from everything for the first time in ages. Do you ever get the feeling that you love everything that you're doing, but you just want it to stop for a while? That you are just so absolutely exhausted from everything, you could hole up in the fetal position and stay there for months? I am there right now, even with all the shit that the humidity of New York summer dumps on my face, I say, BING. IT. ON. I am so ready for you.

Someone once told me, I write a lot, but I say nothing in these blogs, and I realised that it's annoyingly true. I hate those viciously vague blogs that waft on about intangibles, and here I am, wafting on about intangibles. It's because the people I would have to write about, would most definitely object to being written about. You should write me an email requesting for clarification or anecdotal evidence. I compose excellently juicy emails that would ramble on ad nauseam about any number of topics. I am the fountain of random inconsequential knowledge peppered with sassy opinion seasoning on absolutely everything.

beauty HGs

2010-03-06T15:24:00.016+11:00

I have by no means found them for every category, but for the ones I have found, I will forever remain loyal. So for now, I will post here, my few makeup and skin care HGs. Obviously not a post for everyone, but at least it's something I can finally be bothered blogging about. The categories are random, because the items that have officially achieved hg status is random, so bear with me.

(HG = abv. holy grail. term used in beauty blogs to indicate the ultimate product in any given category. It either performs up to its marketed claims or does everything you want something in that category to do)

Moisturiser

Aesop - Camellia Nut Facial Hydrating Cream

I started using this about two years ago, mostly because a new store opened in South Yarra next to my bank and it looked so clean and beautiful inside. I started using this as an evening cream (I still use Olay Complete for Sensitive skin with spf 15 during the day), and didn't realise any major changes because my skin was doing just fine at the time. But I did find that my skin felt calm, and comfortable. It didn't break me out, or felt left it feeling greasy, or tight. My skin was in one of those perfect relationships that you take for granted, and eventually make you itch for something else. With every new flashy packaging or some fantastic write up in the beauty news sections of top fashion mags my eyes would guiltily stray, but I never dared to actually have a full blown affair, not even a fling. My camellia nut stayed with me through my move from Melbourne to Sydney, then to New York. Three very different air conditions, and my skin fared well in all three.

Over the last Christmas and New Years holidays, I went back to Melbourne. I had finally finished my 120ml jar and wanted to stock up in Melbourne (It is still depressingly limited in access here in the States). I had a small tube of Hope In A Jar, one of those beauty award winners and customer favourites that During my faithful years with Aesop I had kept flirting with. What better time to try than Summer in Australia right? It was a horrible mistake. The harsh Australian sun and dry hot winds gave me terrible dry patches that flaked and broke up in rude tiny red bumps all along my cheeks and dangerously close to my eyes, and there was nothing that Hope in a Jar could do to stop it. I'm sure that after a few weeks when my skin got used to the change in climate it would have calmed down on its own and went on merrily in a mildly unsatisfied way. But this was my holiday dammit, I had friends to see! So I went ahead and ran back to my Aesop a little earlier than planned. First of all, my skin felt better, and it only took another two nights of vigorous reapplying for it to look better. As I sat in front of the tv with my mum, I rubbed a heavy dosage every 10 minutes into the trouble areas, my very own version of a hydrating treatment, and it worked. The best part was it didn't irritate my extremely sensitive skin either, even in such heavy doses around an area so close to my eyes.

So in summery, super good stuff for dry, sensitive skin. yeah. Unfortunately for my American friends, it is only available at Barneys, and J. Crew Men's stores of all places, and they only stock the smaller 60ml jar size.

USA: USD$43.50 for 60ml at Barneys.
Australia: AUD$43 for 60ml; $59 for 120ml at Aesop

Pencil Eyeliner

Urban Decay - 24/7 Glide On Eye Pencil

Don't worry, not every item would be an essay. This one is pretty straight forward. It's soft, creamy, really does glide on but has bang on staying power. My eyelids are not greasy so I can't speak for everyone, but on my uppers it lasts as long as I need it to, until I wash it off at night. It lasts a few hours on my waterline, but then again nothing should last any longer than that on your water line. I carry the black one (zero) with me everywhere I go, the white one (yeyo) has a frosty finish, and brightens the inner corner very well. I like to use one of the bright colours that they do on my lower lash line, then smudging it out with a similar coloured eyeshadow, even when I'm doing a relatively neutral eye look, it ads a nice punch of colour. When you smudge them, they provide a nice base for your shadows too. They work a bit like gel eyeliners (the ones that come in a pot and requires a brush), once you have it on you have a few seconds before it "sets", but a lot more convenient, all you need is a good sharpener.

USA: USD$17 at Sephora
Australia: Unavailable, but I'm willing to ship it to you.

Eye Shadow Brush

Mac 239

I don't know why every brush line don't carry a flat white goat hair eyeshadow brush. Years and years ago, when Red Earth wanted to actually be a proper cosmetics company, they had a dupe which I actually personally find to be better than the mac one, but no use trying them now because the new ones, though technically the same, is shite. The basic concept is, it's stiff, but soft. You get precision in application, and it let's you really pack on the colour. You can get away with just this one eye brush if you're travelling, because you can use one side for your base colour, the other side for your crease colour, and blend it with the tips of the bristles. Ideally you'd also have a blending brush, something nice and fluffy and a stiff little pencil brush to blend your liner, especially the lower line. For that I'd suggest mac's 224 and 219 respectively. Anyway get it, it's what turned me from a high school girl with nfi what she's doing still trying to work with sponge tips, to that crazy girl with all those colours on her eyes. Bright colours is, of course, not obligatory with the brush, the brush is obligatory in trying to do decent rainbow eyes. Ya get me?

USA: USD$24.50 at Mac
Australia: AUD$48 at Mac (how depressing is that?)

Loose Powder

Make Up For Ever - HD Microfinish Powder

The Laura Mercier translucent powder had been topping the the InStyle Best Beauty Buy list for years, and two years ago I bought it, but it didn't impress me any more or less than the SK-II mum gave me because some one gave it to her and she hates using powders. The overwhelmingly underwhelming powder left me wondering if powders are all and the same, as long as it's finely milled, not one brand or product will perform better or worse than the other. By then I'd started using Everyday Minerals foundation daily which didn't really need a finishing powder on me (my skin is not that oily) so I'd just given up on the stuff altogether. The the Make Up For Ever HD powder came out. I wanted to feel it because Leesha over at xsparkage talked it up so much. Oh dear lord! Never has my skin felt such smoothness. It was beautiful. I started using liquid foundations again on days I had more time and felt good about it. It's translucent, and I found it to be translucent. After suggesting it to a friend she got a mini jar to test drive but told me she didn't like how it lightened when you pack it on. I don't know, I never really found that to be the case with me, I think it depends on the oils in your skin and what foundation you use.

USA: USD$30 for 0.35oz at Sephora
Australia: Unavailable

Bright Matte Red Lippy

Nars - Jungle Red

I know this is highly subjective, and because of skin colouring etc this would be different on everyone. But this is MY list so I can choose whatever the fuck I like, and this is perfect for me. From it's nice feel packaging to simple product design to the staying power to the bangin in ya face red shade. This is my ultimate red lippy. I love Nars lipsticks in general, all the lippies I ever use, when I can be bothered with doing my lips (which is not often, I've been trained by constantly dating boys who refuse to kiss me when I have anything on my lips).

USA: USD$24 at Sephora
Australia: AUD$58 at Mecca Cosmetica (are they serious?!)

Everyday Blush

Nars - Amour

Everyone knows about Orgasm blush, but I hate having shimmer on my face. This is basically the same colour as Orgasm, but without the shine. It is literally my everyday blush, as in, I wear this, every. day. period. It might seem costly, but it lasts forever. (seriously, has anyone ever hit pan on a Nars blush?)

USA: USD$26 at Sephora
Australia: AUD$62 at Mecca Cosmetica (mecca tax at its worst)

Lip Balm

DAY: Nivea - Repair and Protection

These are the requirements for me for an everyday lipbalm.
a) single handed application. eg stick or tube form
b) non-sticky
c) penetrates the outer layers and not lies on top of lips
d) having good/no taste
This covers them all. The boys in Sydney got me on to this. What better beauty endorsement than from queens on Oxford St right? I haven't tried their new formula now with SPF 20, but as long as they don't change the old one but just add the spf then all should be dandy. I hate chapstick because of the taste, and the way it feels like it just lies on top of my lips without doing anything to them. I used to be a blistex girl but they stopped making the DCT (daily conditioning treatment) in the tube form and I hate mini jars because I like to reapply lip balm often, and having to use my fingers throughout the day grossed me out. This is gentle, actually moisturises, doesn't have any taste and not too sticky, unfortunately, unavailable in the states as of yet. I stocked up when I went back to Australia but I may need replenishment as I litter them around my apartment and in various coat pockets. (yes, it's THAT MUCH of a necessity for me). The fact that it's cheap is just a bonus.

USA: unavailable
Australia: AUD$3.99 at all good pharmacies, Pricelines, supermarkets

Night: Lucas Paw Paw Ointment

Also unavailable in the states. I know, my poor lips, having to rely on my infrequent trips home. Not much to say about this, it's largely petroleum, which is vaseline, but the 10% paw paw does make a difference. When my lips are in need of serious care I use this, or sometimes I put on a thick layer at night and by morning my lips are soft and pouty. Of course this stuff is not just for your lips, it's good for elbows and knees or anything you'd normally use vaseline for. But just like vaseline, it could feel greasy. I saw price of a 25 gram tube grow from $3.99 to the now exorbitant $7.99 at priceline, all within the space of 3 years, simply because the beauty mags picked up on this secret. But you can still find it for the el cheapo price of $3.99 on the Pulse Pharmacy online store

USA: Unavailable
Australia: AUD$3.99 for 25g tube, AUD$7.99 for 75g jar at Pulse Pharmacy

That's about it. There's a lot of products that come very close, and so I'll just go through a few of them.

***

Mineral Foundation: Everyday Mineral foundation in Semi-Matte. My colour is Golden Light (I'm about NC25 in Mac right now), and it's the one foundation that I got the most compliments on. I like the coverage, and it doesn't move on me, it lets my natural oils come through during the day so even when it starts coming off it doesn't look gross. It's a nice formula that doesn't do horrible things to my skin either. My summer foundation.

Face:

Liquid Foundation: MAC Studio Sculpt. It's technically a gel foundation, I love the texture, it's full coverage (when I'm wearing a liquid foundation, it's always when I need it to be heavy coverage, otherwise I'd just stick to my mineral) and it's got some spf which is always a good thing

Do-it-all, The one I travel with Foundation: MAC Studio Fix. It's a buildable coverage powder foundation, I just wack on some concealer, and buff it on with a kabuki. It's easy, you get really nice coverage with it, and not messy like mineral foundations can get.

On The Go Powder: MAC Mineralized Skin Finish Natural. On good skin days I can just concealer and put this on. It's nice, light coverage, I'm using Medium but I could almost go for Medium Plus, but since it's very light coverage one shade can cover a lot of scope. There is coverage though, it does even out your skin nicely.

Eyeshadows:
This is contentious. Every brand would do some colours beautifully, and some not so well, so these would be generalisations. You really do have to try out the texture and pigmentation in the store.

For Bright Colours: Make Up For Ever. (especially their purple, number 93. It's hard to find a good purple and this one is perfect, you would have heard other people talk about this). I really like their mattes.

Overall: MAC, of course. As far as colour selection goes nothing else compares. I especially love their Veluxe, Veluxe Pearl, Velvet and Satin finishes. But of course there are duds in every finish, go feel them in the store.

For Golds: Stila. Yeah, I know, surprising, but their golds are beautiful.

Beginners Colourful Palette: Urban Decay Deluxe Shadow Box. These are nice and soft, and you can build a whole bunch of look from this. All you need is an additional high light colour and from bold to neutral, you're pretty much set. I don't like the normal urban decay shadows but their deluxe shadows really are nice to play with.

Pen style liquid eyeliner: Shiseido. It's refillable, the packaging is beautiful, it's got a nice brush that give you a lot of control and draws nice lines. Only gripe is the actual liner itself, could be longer lasting, but on my upper lids I've never had a problem. Would not recommend it for the lower line, or a potentially teary day.

When I can be bothered eyeliner: Bobbi Brown Gel Eyeliner. Seriously good stuff, but it's just so gosh darn cumbersome. From having to clean the brush everyday, to the fact that it would dry out slightly so that by the time you're half way through the expensive and tiny-looking-but-lasts-a-surprisingly-long-time jar you need to start reviving it with eye drops, after which it's never the same again. I'm going to try the Urban Decay Liquid Liner next, because I hear good things. Will get back to you.

Skin/body care:

Body Scrub: Kiehls Creme de Corps Soy Milk & Honey Body Polish. Yummy, and makes your skin soft. What else do you need from a body scrub right?

Body Lotion: Vaseline Sheer Infusion. I like the smell, it moisturises fast without making your skin greasy, does exactly what I need in a body lotion.

Toner: Kiehls Cucumber Herbal Alcohol-Free Toner. Again, no complaints. I can feel a difference when moisturising depending on if I use it or not so obviously it does something, when it comes to toners my bar is set pretty low, basically as long as it doesn't irritate my skin (which a lot of products do) and this fits the bill.

Cleanser: Kiehls Foaming Non-Detergent Washable Cleanser. I've tried a bunch (philosophy being a huge disappointment again) but this one does what the Philosophy Purity claims to do, wash my face and remove my makeup. Obviously not every trace of waterproof eyeliner but enough. My skin do feel a little bit tight after but honestly, I moisturise so soon afterward so who cares. I started using the Aveeno Positively Radiant Makeup Removing self foaming Cleanser recently, it does it's job well for a drugstore product, not as well as the Kiehls but I'm willing to continue using it until I finish it. I really like the self foaming pump as well.

Spot Treatment: Origins Spot Remover. 2% salicylic acid, no-nonsense spot dryer. It's not instantaneous, best used overnight since it's very drying. Best in the category, but I wish it could be better.

MISC:

Overall Nail Polish: Essie. I know it doesn't have as wide a range of colours as the other brands, but it does enough bright colours that make me happy, and they are my favourite formula. (I'm not a big nail polish person, but I'm really not a big fan of OPI, yet to try China Glaze)

Mascara: Most Lancome waterproof mascaras. Most notably Hypnose, but since I purchase them at duty free when I travel I always get a 3 pack and it takes a while before I get to try a new one. For a drugstore mascara I always go for Maybelline's Full 'n' Soft (again, in waterproof). I have tiny Asian lashes, I need the lighter waterproof formulas so that my curls stay.

Gloss:
Korres Cherry Oil Glosses. Nice, non-sticky, I like the cherry flavour.
Clinique Superbalm. I don't know why they're called Superbalm, they're glosses, they're slightly sticky like a gloss, but they do hydrate like a balm. Colours are sheer, but do make a slight difference. Get the 4 mini packs during holiday time, You can prick a hole through it and put it on your key chain or your cell phone.

Ok that's enough blogging for the day, that took me all of 2 hours. Good night ladies.

missing stacks

2010-02-18T16:37:00.003+11:00

My apartment looks directly into the window of this dude who leaves the TV on at all hours. There's some animal planet show on, something predatory. I wonder if he can see into my window just as easily when I'm perched at my makeup stool in the mornings, covered by a towel (at the best of times).

I'm not sure if this place feels exactly like home yet. I bought a refurbished 1950s rotary dial princess phone to go on the land line, connecting that made me feel a bit like an adult, the fact that the first phone call I received was a wrong number made it feel real. The bulk of my books are on their way to me now but the bookshelves are already full. I'm destined for homes that would perpetually look messy from stacks of books lying around.

Life evolves around our lady, Miss Adler. My days and nights are spent hauling ass to-ing and fro-ing from home, to studio. Sometimes involving an air-mattress.

It's been bliss.

Over a year in New York, I'm still not used to it. I've got my patterns and endless lists to do, to see. Try as I might I'm still scratching at surfaces, that's just a part of living here I guess, the constant realisation that the city has endless offerings. I'm sure I'll feel comfortable once all my books get here, and my posters go up, and the rest of this shoebox gets filled with things that make me smile.

All this is my fault really. I seem to settle into the discomfort of being in limbo. There's a bedside table that I have refused to assemble for the last 4 months, still sitting in its box in my entrance hall. there's the summer clothes I've set aside that I still need to put away, just in time for the approaching warmer months. I get into the habit of being too angry with myself to do anything about it. Masochistic much?

I had wanted to sleep early tonight, and it's now 1:30. So I'll leave it at that, but I'm not done yet, not by a long shot...

5 topics I need to cover tomorrow when I pick this up again:

1. Books not read
2. Films not seen (and therefore entirely uninformed Oscar predictions)
3. The outpouring of love I feel for a surprising number of people in my section
4. Cupcake adventures
5. The further misadventures of my romantic encounters.

distractions and funnel vision

2009-10-25T11:50:00.003+11:00

She stands in the entrance, propping her elbows on either side of the door frame waiting for a cue, anything that gives her an excuse to stay. The stagnant air that pushes so heavy against her chest seems to fall dead at his feet. The room looks just the same as it always does, the life outside the building leaks through the crack at the window mixed with the slight wisps of cool air in loud honks and colourful language. He circles around, talks within, languishes in his own bubble.

structual support

2009-07-04T17:13:00.002+10:00

Bursts of cool air pumps through the musky heavy heat of my room. It's hard to find that happy balance between a shiver and a sweat, but I'm managing it. It's been fucking ages since my words last appeared here, so forgive my tendencies toward the melodramatic, I'm out of practice.

There's yelling and loud percussive clashing going on outside, at 3:30 in the morning, someone is having themselves a hell of a fourth of July weekend.

My days and my mind has been filled with bouts of occupation and preoccupation, alternately. Moments of blissful peace when everything feels easier, like I'm not kidding myself, and then the other times, when I just want to burrow into a generous pair of arms, and wait for it to pass. It's this whole kidulthood thing. Wanting so badly to be making it on my own, to feel like I'm living this life and choosing every element of it but wishing within every goddamn inch of me that there was someone there to pick up the slack. That if it all goes to shit, it's not just down on me. It's my own bed though, I bought the sheets, I should just lie fundamentally alone in it.

I've been trying to be more proactive (I've given up on being productive, I'd settle for just "doing things"). Exploring, discovering, selecting and evaluating the building blocks for this grown-up fort of mine. Internally going over every bone and nitpicking what is jutting and trying my best to pull them out like a splinter. Essentially trying to put this well weathered skeleton back together, piece by piece. You see, if what's at the base of it all is strong and shiny again, the pretty flabby bits hovering over it can get out there again, yes?

And hereby concludes the emo section of this piece.

Even though it seems like the world is obsessed by MJ's passing, most of the people around me seem unreasonably weary of it already. My memories would always include playing Dangerous over and over again at all hours, memorising the lyrics well into the early mornings on school nights and choreographing dance moves of my own. The month leading up to his HIStory concert when I'd burst into an a capella version of Heal the World with any friends who are within vacinity. Having unsound visions and dreams of meeting him and charming him and having him adopt me. They Don't Care About Us booming in our year 12 common room before the exams. It is entirely unnatural the attachment I feel towards a figure and the sadness I felt, I think it is how sudden it was that is the most unsettling. The fact that he never got a chance to separate all the crap associated with his name and the tremendous body of work he left behind. There's not much to say other than, I'm bummed.

I found el cheapo dumplings and decent (not fantastic by any means) egg tarts today. I'm a relatively happy camper today. And considering it is now well after 4am, I should probably try and get some sleep. The house is empty tonight, my head is too. I chose to download and watch two sappy set-in-manhattan so-embarrassing-I-won't-name-them-here rom coms and was thoroughly annoyed/amused by both. The message of both seems to be, even if you hit rock bottom, put on a pink frock and some nice shoes and somehow everything would work itself out, provided you give a heartfelt monologue. I need to go shopping.

If there was a better way to go...

2009-04-04T16:46:00.002+11:00

...then it would find me

-------------------------------------------------

scratches the itch, but finds scant satisfaction. it was pointless, not the least bit enjoyable, and moreover, destructive.

I have had a couple weeks worth of self reflection now, this whole picking up injured sparrows by the roadside game is tiring itself out. I can't begin to admit to myself the true contents of my head, heart, groin, the curl of my toes. What would a snapshot of early 2009 reflect of me? Mother goose? Nesting doll? Tomatoes and onions and my ever expanding waistline. I have one of the finest views of the Manhattan skyline within walking distance, my walking distance, but I forego the dreaming and ram my head straight on into the thick of it.

juice, ham, hummus from Sahadi's, bread, apple cinnamon cheerios, bananas, berries, toilet paper, lamp, change of address forms, apartment hunting, laundry.

endless to-do lists of things that are easily achievable but always eschewed in favour of something far less pertinent, just because another person is involved. I live like a hobo, but would run to the side of anyone who becks and calls as something far more put together, at the drop of a hat. I've done the hermit thing, now I'm onto something different. When it comes to myself, my own world, my own space, there are test patterns and white noise screaming over my head. Nothing flickers into life until another person is involved. I don't even have the attention or concentration to watch things, to read. There's only cognitive behaviour enough to pass judgment on the cohabitant of my space. (Still entirely uninteresting to me, try as she might.)

So it's now 2:30am. First class tomorrow is one I really need to concentrate in, again, I have the problem of utter apathy. I just don't care enough to pull myself into this crazy woman's head.

So it's long overdue, another Friday Five

5 things I wish I could say to 5 different people but won't

"No, a song that you have written in the past and have now sent to me is not good enough. This lady requires all original work written specifically for her"

"I've had better"

"Yes you do freak me out a little, but it's more your personality than your head"

"Honey, why do you pimp yourself out like that?"

"I miss you. Hourly."

catching up on catching up

2009-03-12T12:20:00.002+11:00

Odd day of doing nothing. I mean I usually do nothing, but today was the first time when there hasn't been a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me what I really should be doing. I mean sure, I could do my laundry or clean my room or look on craigslist for apartment listings, but there's no real urgent need. Not today anyway.

A good friend emailed me today with what could possibly be the best first paragraph of an email ever sent to me. You're quite right, I could pretty much talk forever about almost anything to almost anyone, but fact is I do choose to email 3k+ word essays to you filled with details I probably would not include in, say, my facebook messages or here on my blog. My life is hilarity. I have long considered composing a screenplay based on my exploits. It would have to be a long running series though, I'm not entirely sure a novel with a film adaptation would quite cover it.

Since this blog gets sucked into the facebook vortex (because I'm a shameless self promoter) and I'm facebook friends with certain subject matters of these hilarious anecdotes, I will not share them here, I'll save them for publication at the end of my career. Many of you may have heard bits and pieces, needless to say, your beloved Qinny has not changed one bit as far as romance and adventures go.

The downside to taking everything as a joke is that, everything becomes a joke. I would stupidly forage ahead and pull faces at inappropriate moments, wear my 1/10th completed scarf on my head as a headpiece, say "why the hell not" when there's probably a pretty good reason why not. Sometimes I'm more concerned with appearing easy going than I should be comfortable with. It's quite alright though, all consequences fall into my basket of stories to pepper my autobiography with.

The last couple of weeks has been filled with food, spliff, knitting (?!?!), and having more fun in my classes than I thought I could at the start of the year. I swear I'm gaining weight just existing in that apartment, it's good when I come home to find there's absolutely nothing in the fridge except for some expired yogurt. I'm not complaining (you know how much I like my food, by god, I love my food), I'm just saying I should probably keep an eye on my consumption from now on. Matching portions with a 6'3" lad is probably not entirely healthy. But having delicious home cooked meals (however heavy) prepared by someone else, and shared, is always good times. The spliff is, obviously, good times. The knitting was for class, and now I have to finish it, and it would be the best damn imperfect scarf that was ever knitted by a chinese-australian acting student.

Once again it's 2am and I'm trying to finish a blog post about nothing. I have to be on time for class tomorrow, it's the punctual nazi teacher in the morning. I feel like I've exhausted everything I want to say in daily conversations and when I come to this box with the blinking cursor I hit a blank wall. I never have anything to say when I'm just contented with my life. Momentary glimpses of ecstasy don't seem to last long enough to fill me with words, likewise the snatches of the blues don't seem to choke at my throat either. Come at me tomorrow, maybe I'll have a story to tell then. A story safe from the prying eyes. For now, goodnight.

Top 5 mellow songs to fall asleep to right now.

Royksopp (ft. Lykke Li) - Miss It So Much

Carla Bruni - Promises Like Pie Crust

Mazzy Star - Fade Into You

Of Montreal - St. Exquisite's Confessions

Yeah Yeah Yeah's - Little Shadow
(holy crap I'm hearting It's Blitz so bad)

the big empty

2009-02-12T16:41:00.005+11:00

My head hangs heavy. Perhaps from the touch of cold I have developed, or perhaps due to the fact that I can't bring myself to admit how tediously mollified I am. Neither ecstatic nor dissatisfied, getting by with just... getting by. Sometimes I wonder if I willingly fall into trouble just to inject some drama into this little life. Pain feels just as much like living as pleasure, sometimes it's more reassuring when it brings you so startlingly down to the ground, hammering at your core than the full flight of a dream. My lazy bones prevent me from any actual doing. Even when I know it's a fault, I can't seem to correct this. My chiropractor from Melbourne called me yesterday, perhaps I do need a realignment.

I crave for something visceral.

I want to go back to that summer of dreams, tregsie, carilious. I want to bring you to all my awkward dates, and choke on our lollipop juices, drink slurpees, eat pancakes, play stacko/pictionary/scrabble and run a muck in our city. I want to go to trashy bars because girls get free drinks, and have drunk airmen stick their tongues down our throats on the dance floor. Become promoters for some Asian club and fail miserably at making any money. Constantly looking for a job but never doing any work. Stuffing our faces with marshmellows in the middle of Village Bourke St Mall and ruining Keanu Reeves forever. Going to Fed Square because it was new, and getting the crap scared out of us walking around the ACMI exhibits inside the ghost ship. Asian clubbing and shit music. Running through town with Magic Balloons and chomping on smxl sandwiches because a cute boy works there. I want to laugh because we all hated the same movie, and cry over some stupid argument in a car park. It was a beautiful, sticky mess.

I want to chop my hair off again. Sorry to be bringing up something so trivial, but there really isn't anything too interesting happening in my noggin. Yes I want to cut most of my hair off, a cute little cut, something easier to manage. Or a fringe (or bangs for you yanks). Although I'm sure the moment I make any change I would immediately regret it and want it all back. My hair has been a mess since Janice decided she needed more of an education than just being the damn finest hairdresser I've ever had.

Oh man this has been a sucky post. I'm terribly sorry. Perhaps I should bring back my lists. At least then you can pretend to be entertained when you read these things.

List of 5 Burlesque Acts

- The Cocky Tail Shakers. The entire act would be girls in corsets and feathers on their derriere, making beautiful cocktails and handing them out to audiences.

- The Honey Mooners. Not a lot of thought has been put into this. It would involve mooning, and honey, obviously.

- The Puss in Boots. A feline dance in thigh high shiny lace-up boots and cat ears.

- Operation. A game of operation on a real girl, the organs are stuck on her body to be removed by girl in a nurse outfit.

- Powder Puffs. It's like the fan dance, except with giant powder puffs and confetti thrown everywhere!

Now who wants to start rehearsal with me?

also. I miss my pug. I miss driving. I miss my kitties. I miss waking up with a furball licking my face. I miss good coffee. I miss conversations. I miss the como bar. I miss sneaking popcorn into my free movies. I miss the sun. I miss wrapping my arms around my friends who want nothing more than just lazing around with me. I miss the gent who owns soda rock and yells at me for not going to visit him often enough. I miss the sushi from that place downstairs from work that's deliciously inauthentic. I miss shooting silly videos, and planning the lesbian road trip film with rizzle razzle. I miss pretending to be conversing at the same level as ant. I miss snuggling in maya maya papaya's cleavage. I miss all of deano's stupid jokes. I miss guitar hero world tour at sueballs' residence. I miss midnight maccas drive throughs and regretting it immediately afterward. I miss listening to triple j's hack program and pretending I care about the news. I miss backyard bbq's. I miss getting sunburns in inconvenient places because I didn't want the sand to stick to my sunscreen. I miss lucky coq's $4 pizzas. I miss the gin soaked grins of the people who surrounded me only a month ago. COME TO NEW YORK DAMMIT.

trip

2009-02-08T13:21:00.002+11:00

Alright, so this is how it works right? I say "go", and you just come with me. Whoosh. No questions asked.

Are you ready?

GO!

We're running along the subway station, keep up with me now, our train line isn't running today because they have to do all their fucking construction work on weekends, and we have to have fucking class on Saturday mornings. So we're running, through the platform, up the stairs, into the adjacent station with some other lines that would take us as far as Manhattan. We'll have to change trains in a bit, but we'll deal with that later. Our legs are still sore from doing that stupid task in class two days ago, remember? When we curled over and couldn't move? We vow to hit the gym when there's a smidgen of free time, but too late for that now, we're running. The 3/4 hour we set aside for getting to school today is fast running out, and there's a test this morning. A test we didn't study for, hoping that the remnants of our high school smarts would stick, hoping that there's enough of first year linguistics knowledge from five years ago rattling around in there to tide you over until it's done. The 4 train is awfully cozy, we can feel the man behind us softly pressing his hand into our thigh. Shakes it off, shake it off. It's the subway squeeze, we've dealt with much worse. It's an express train and it won't take us where we want it to. Shit, fuck, fuck. Change tracks. More running. Wish we could just stick some fucking vurt feather down our throat and ride it out. Some sexy pink pornovurt. And then we're gone.

We start with a smell. It's dark and you can sense a body lying near you. Soap and toothpaste. There's the faint warmth of the skin but there's still a lot of distance, fingertip to fingertip. We're waiting for a cue, not sure where to begin. The stench of old pain weighs heavy. Our eyes adjust to the darkness, we can make out shapes under the covers. It's a cold night, but funny, we've sweated through. There is movement towards us. The sleeping form inches closer by minute degrees. We're bracing ourselves, letting the tingling in our lips and fingers build up to that old warm fuzzy. The sheets are twisting under maneuvering limbs and torsos. The clamping of jaws, the smacking of saliva. We connect hungrily trying to take something, anything to fill a gap somewhere between our ribs.

We're back in that subway station, crossing platforms, bypassing buskers. The sounds of some Mexican mariachi band clashing with a lone Er-Hu. A bouquet of noise combined with the screeching of wheels on tracks creates a constant buzz around our heads. We're seriously running late now, and we're one more train and two stops away. There's a missed call on our mobile from another girl in our class, oh good, she must be late too. The smell of street vended coffee slaps us in the face as we step out onto the street. Fumbling into our bags looking for our ID tag, cursing the over sized handbag for swallowing all its contents so completely. Right. Breathe. We slip into the stream of the day. The hollowness follows us around, class to class, room to room. But we're alright, the safety of routine covers up our bloodshot eyes and the cloud of complaints above our heads. Ride it out, just make it to the other end of the day and we're home safe.

pomp and lustre

2009-02-05T10:58:00.005+11:00

It is still freezing. Which is why I'm still not blogging the way I'm supposed to. I still don't have a roommate, so my room is slowly degrading into a slum of nuclear proportions. I should have cleaned it up a little today it's my day off, but the rest of me wanted a day off too.

I got a friend request the other day on facebook, apparently he's a fan of my blog.

I'm sorry Jimmy that I couldn't add you. Because of the amount of information I give out on my facebook I do have a "people I've actually met" policy. Plus then you'll see all the classy(crass) photos and that would tarnish your glowing image of me.

--------------------------------

The following is a muddled jumble of fly-by self pity party, proceed with care:

--------------------------------

The numbness I'd been feeling in the last year or so is shedding away little by little. It's mostly uncomfortable, but nice to know that within these frozen limbs, emotions still dwell. The last six months especially has been an exercise in loneliness as a crowd experience. Slowly grasping at, and fingering, feeling my way through the parameters of my comfort zone. Rediscovering that I'm not just a set of digestive and sexual organs, that I can feel things as myself, and not some version that I'd like others to see.

Hopefully this signals a return to form. Over the years, even my prose has turned far more direct, sharp, bitter, and all that is left of the humour, biting. Meanwhile my head had become a bag of jelly, the mushy Aeroplane kind. If it is not aesthetics analysis, it refused to produce an opinion. A vessel of receptors waiting for that instant gratification, shameless contradictions of moral values, and self indulgence. Repetition, repetition, repetition, never letting the senses rest. Videos, sounds, music, movies, images, just don't let it stop, play several at once, I know everything backwards already but just don't let it stop, let my mind shut out any thought that needs to be dealt with, just don't let it stop. Relentless saturation of anything devoid of neurological nourishment. I reach out my hand for anything that is safe, old ideas, old conversations, old encouragements. It's an easy high, you ride it fast and it fizzles out, that's why you need the constant injection. Simulated emotions, play acting, anyone could do this, anyone could be me.

One mississippi, two mississippi, three mississippi... The constant frustration, over the past, the future, regrets, helplessness, my life, all collapsing on me in spasms tightening my entire body. My hands were clamped, my feet jerked the way they do when I come. I couldn't move or breathe, I could only laugh because suddenly I was not doing a Meisner exercise in class anymore, I was fucking my last two years of existence into the ground. Was I okay? Well I needed more than just a drink of fucking water that's for sure. I want a re-write.

But at least I author my own disaster

Back to the point I was making, I can feel flickerings of past excitements, before I became a shell of external gestures. It's an embarrassingly small shift, coming from the least likely of experiences, but it's hopeful. I can choose to nurture this into a healthy flame and try and steer it away from the madwoman in the attic territory, or just let it go because it would be nice to see the fire before the house burns down. This could mean more shockingly revealing blog posts that are basically romanticised graphic self portraits of wrist slitting. This could be embarrassing for everyone around me. I will try to use pseudonyms wherever possible, (past pseudonyms have included G, Sandwich boy, and Damian Assface. THIS COULD BE YOU!!) but basically anything that you have said, related, showed, or done to me is fair game. I will attempt to be as raw as my dwindling work ethic allows. This is merely a warning, I am giving everyone a week to front up and submit censorship applications. That being said, I change my mind so freaking much that by this time tomorrow I could be off this idea entirely. My Fuck-It Manifesto never took off, but this is an extension. Feel free to express your opinions below, whether on the facebook copy or the original blog.

theme music of this post: The Past Is A Grotesque Animal - Of Montreal

Brooklyn Heights Sighs

2009-01-17T02:26:00.004+11:00

That's the weather right now. I'm meant to be going to open up a new Bank account today. But no. There's no way I'm stepping outside this room today.

Time for a New York Update!

I have been here a week now. After a hellish plane ride (where the kid behind me proceeded to kick my chair for the entirety of the 20-something hour plane ride (THROUGH transit stops) I landed in the land of bagels and fake bacon.

There's not a hell of a lot to blog about yet. It's way too cold out to take photos of anything without freezing my little fingers off. This also means I cannot smoke unless I let a cigarette hang out the side of my mouth, Jimmy Dean style, which would be fitting of all the method training I am getting beat over the head with.

I stopped squealing over snow flurries after about 5 minutes of walking through it and feeling my face frost over.

The first week was eventful only in that my roommate came and left. I met her during the half hour she packed up her things and went home. The toilet was clogged beyond belief. I had two remotes in the tv cabinet, either of which were paired to the tv, dvd, or cable box and I just needed a lot of random knickknacks to get everything settled and habitable.

All exploring of the city has been postponed until the sub freezing weather has passed. So as of yet, no museums, no films, no plays, nothing remotely sociable. It took me until two days ago to buy a kettle, and since then my blood has been running tea. It provides a constant injection of something hot to keep my blood circulating.

In fact, my toes are cold right now. So I'm going to go dip them in my doona and watch crap on tv until I fall asleep again. I've been awake since 5 am, I don't know what's wrong with my head. I haven't forgotten my obligation to keep a running commentary on my travels, I have been writing (the pen and 'skine kind) down random thoughts and I will transpose the publishable elements on here, on a day when my head doesn't feel like sleet and my feet don't want to drop off.

So this is just to say that yes, I will blog more, and with eye candy as well, and bubbly anecdotes. Give me some time, until I feel better about all of this, this being away from everyone, this being at an awkward time zone so I can't even just pick up the phone and talk it over with someone, this sick panicky alone feeling. Or at least until the weather turns.

in transition

2008-09-17T22:24:00.015+10:00

That was sticking out of the middle of Taylor Square. A whole row of them. A bit rude I thought. I had to walk down that patch of Bourke St so often it felt like the very ground that I was walking on, Sydney, as a city was just pissing on me. Every time.

You wanna know what else is rude?

That was on Bourke St as well. The good part, the part with all the terrace houses that I gaze into longingly. The one where George the cat hangs out. I named him George. Although I'm 80% sure she's a girl.

I've pet her twice now, we're pretty tight.

So a week in Sydney. It's not terrible. Could definitely be worse. I could have said yes to paying $210 a week to stay in a cramped dilapidated twin share room in supposedly Darlinghurst but actually a block away from Kings Cross. The hunt is still on, although I have a good feeling about this place tomorrow. 5 minutes from work, 2 seconds from the bus stop that's 15 minutes from class. I won't even care if it's not as clean as the photos suggest, if it's livable, I'm moving in.

Apart from walking everywhere trying to find a room, I really haven't achieved much else. I've confirmed that stainless steel pots are absolutely useless if it doesn't have a non-stick surface. And I've found a half decent cup of coffee, a kiwi girl at this cute little cafe/fancy 2nd hand book shop. (I gave her my number, after declaring to the entire room that I need a place to stay). Found out that I DO love most Coles house brand products with the exception of their flavoured tuna. And watched every media file on my computer 5 times over, most of which I'd already seen multiple times. Read very little, written nothing. I'm thinking once I get a desk and chair situation happening I can be a lot more productive.

I do my first shift at Palace Verona tomorrow, very excitement, they have a huge bar with three split sides of tickets/coffee/drinks that actually makes a lot of sense. Plus I've felt bad about going to scam tickets before actually doing a shift so finally getting to see movies again would be good.

I'm waiting for In Bruges to finish download so I'll have something new to watch tonight. continuous repeats of Studio 60, seasons 2,3 and 4 of the American Office, and Clarissa Explains It All is so unhealthy. It might sound like a lot but I have a highly media saturated mind, it needs a constant buzz to keep me from thinking about anything that needs some real doing.

And I miss my boys. They had their first birthday three days before I left, so they are no longer kittens.

My bed feels so empty. Charlie is not slightly elevated, he's sleeping on my legs. While Miles is sleeping against them, successfully blockading me in my sleeping position all night.

I should probably venture into the CBD at some stage, if only to go to the Apple store. I'll do a macgasm post for you all about it one day. I wonder if there will be little old Indian ladies buying their plane tickets on the iMac displays

And don't even get me started on the stupidity of that poster, I had to stare at it for 10 minutes while waiting for my bus, wanting to punch both Jack and Jill's heads in every second.

Veronifugs

2008-08-19T03:13:00.008+10:00

Why am I not surprised that, when the veronicas get together with target to design a range of clothing for pre teen girls, combining my hatred for celebrity labels and inappropriate faux punk girly fashion, that my worst fear of all was going to be involved. That's right. Leggings with stitching that's made to look like denim.

No, please do click on the image to enlarge it I beg of you. You need to understand where I'm coming from when I say the world as we know it is coming to an end. This is almost worse than the time when Bratz (the doll company) tried to sell push up bras for 6 year olds. Or that other time (now) when Linds Lo tried (trying) to sell leggings with knee pads, and leopard print, ankle, things...

Really people, this is a terrifying fashion world we live in. Inspired by a good friends upcoming house warming theme of 90s fashion, I started digging up a lot of repressed memories. I'm talking, early ninties starting from the Babysitters Club moment I had in grade 3, to afterschool adventures with Clarissa Darling, to marathon evenings with Kenan and Kel (and an entire SNICK evolution). Stay with me folks, there's a lot to get through. I would like to just outline two of these fashion heroes here in order to come up with a look suitable for the said party, even though there is a high chance I will not be able to make it.

BSC. We actually started a club, back in the day, and we each took on a role of the original four. I was always going to be Claudia can't-spell-for-her-life Kishi. I would pretend I liked Nancy Drew, eat lots of candy, and braid my side ponytail. I wanted to make my own jewelery and paint my dads shirts, when I was old enough. Lucky for everyone involved that by the time I was old enough, I'd moved on. Recently I came across a fascinating blog written by a girl who was clearly brain fart twin back in the day, because the entire blog is just a transcript of all the passages from the books, of what claudia wore. (aka the best instances of literature ever! what imagination, what style!) My only regret is that I never stuck around long enough to get to the Super Mysteries part of the series. They sound like fun.

Style Points to take from Claudia:
- Side Ponytail
- Overalls
- Denim Cutoffs
- Oversized Men's shirts, ideally hand painted with a pattern of some sort, and fitting with the overall theme of an outfit
- Having themes for outfits, such as: the sea, fruits, body parts.
- Fluro leggings
- Wide Belts
- The Entire American Apparel catalogue

Clarissa Explains It All.
now THAT was a show. Back when Melissa Joan Heart was still cute and a good at what she does, back when a completely platonic relationship between a girl and a boy was still plausable, back when parents are seen as the bumbling, well meaning, but ultimately foolish financial facilitators. Clarissa was way cool. She made arcade style computer games in every episode that serve no purpose. She was intelligent, had great taste in music, she wanted to be a tv journalist, and she broke the fourth wall!! Her fashion sense was off the wall as well. I'm still downloading the entire first season so I can revel in it's 90s greatness, but from memory, and what I can dredge up from youtube, I came up with the following:

Style Points to take from Clarissa
- Layers, lots of it, in block contrasting colours
- Coloured scrunchies
- Brightly coloured leggings under torn jeans
- Vests, suspenders, grandpa cardigans
- Headbands
- Polka dots, Stripes
- Billowy silhouettes
- Oversized shirts with rolled up sleeves worn as a vest over an oversized t-shirt.

Man and she had awesome diagrams and charts. This girl was way cool, how she turned into Sabrina I'll never understand.

These are my two biggest inspirations of my primary school phase. It's pretty late, so I'm going to leave it at that. But if I was to go into a whole spill on old Nick shows I'll never leave. Secret World of Alex Mack, Are You Afraid Of The Dark, All That, Adventures of Shirley Holmes, and Kenan and Kel made up most of my childhood. As dated as some of these might seem, it sure beats whatever crap the Veronicas could ever come up with, that's for sure.

speaking of which

urgh...
as Clarissa would say, they are such a burr in my butt.

(ps/ you can watch quite a few episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark on youtube now, some are still quite creepy, some with Ryan Gosling, and all with terrible special effects)

MIFF 08 Adventures

2008-07-19T18:46:00.005+10:00

It's only a week away, and sadly, as I was stupid enough to not sign up for volunteering work this year, I had to buy a Minipass with my hard earned dollar. I just wanted to keep ya'll updated on what I'm seeing, where I'm going to be etc etc

* - denotes a session already booked on my minipass (I get 10 of these)
# - denotes a session on my minipass that's before 4pm (you get 3 freebies of these)

everything else denotes stuff I still need to confirm/would like to see/might need to buy single tickets for/maybe forkout for a second minipass... god willing

---------------------------------------------------------------
*Dainipponjin - 26/07 @ 11:15 (GU5)
California Dreamin' - 27/07 @ 9:15 (Capitol)
Jesus Christ Saviour - 30/07 @ 9:40 ( GU5)
Ben X - 1/08 @ 5:15 (GU4)
*Three Monkeys - 2/08 @ 5:00 (Capitol)
*Waltz With Bashir - 2/08 @ 7:15 (Forum)
Sukiyaki Western Django - 2/08 @ 11:30 (GU6)
*Seven Days Sunday - 4/08 @ 7:15 (GU5)
*My Winnipeg - 8/08 @ 7:00 (GU4)
*Best MIFF Shorts - 8/08 @ 9:00 (Capitol)
#The Wackness - 9/08 @ 3:00 (Forum)
A Complete History of my Sexual Failures - 9/08 @ 7:15 (Forum)
The Death of Mister Lazarescu - 9/08 @ 9:15 (GU5)
#Ahes of Time Redux - 10/08 @ 1:00 (GU6)

Coopers Lounge:
*In Conversation with George A Romero

------------------------------------------------------------------
These are the "See How I Feels". a lot of these are convenient times at convenient locations:

Rock N Roll Nerd - 30/07 @ 9:30 (ACMI)
Jar City - 1/08 @ 7:15 (GU5)
Experimental Shorts - 5/08 @ 7:00 (ACMI)
Cargo 200 - 9/08 @ 5:30 (Forum)
Rumba - 10/08 @ 3:15 (GU5)

passes progress : 7 passes/2 day passes...eek
If there's something you implore me to see, please let me know!!!

Pork and Beans

2008-05-28T23:12:00.000+10:00

http://www.youtube.com/v/muP9eH2p2PI&hl

How awesome is this video? I guess that is directly variable according to how geeky you are. On top of it being an absolutely rocking song harking back to the Buddy Holly glory days, the video is also an archive of the last couple of years of internet history. To my own amazement, there was actually a few that I've missed. (sneezing panda?) proving that I'm not as big of a geek as everyone thinks, even if I recognised 19 of the references and then proceeded to youtube the remaining 4. (Patrick Wilson is on twitter! Follow him and watch the process of releasing an album!)

I am the win. that is all.

Simulated Flight

2008-05-15T23:56:00.002+10:00

I remember sleeping through a 4.2 quake when I was six. I woke up briefly from dreaming of being in a cradle when my father scooped me up and carried me out of the house, he told me not to worry, so I fell back asleep more soundly in his arms. I guess that with the foreign perspective and the news reports with staggering death tolls it's hard to watch youtube clips of students laughing as their possessions fall about them, telling his roommate not to worry because they're on the 6th floor and proudly video documenting the quake. But I remember living through what would seem like horrible disasters from the outset, and not really caring or understanding how bad it really was until the next day when you see it on the news.

Back in year 7, I remember my host mother once tried to go out on the balcony to hang some washing when a typhoon was sweeping across the little town of Nagoya. She quickly came back in, dusted herself off and said "it's quite windy today". The next day we took a walk around the town and trees were uprooted, billboards crashes houses and cars were piled up alongside the quiet streets.

Right now my cat's sleeping in a really cute position, clutching my foot and making odd noises, so I'm going to concern myself with my immediate world.

***

Many a nights were passed the last week with me looking up skateboarding videos. The hypnotic fluid lines and the bulge of the fish eye lenses sending me into the usual late night restlessness, and eventually sleep.

It began like this. My Name Is Earl is nearing the end of it's third season, and I've always held much love for Jason Lee, despite his mustachio'd mistakes like Underdog or Alvin and the Chipmunks. While I was waiting for an episode to download early last week (an episode guest starring a specially delicious looking alyssa milano), I got antsy and started wikipedia-ing Jason, his pre-Earl days, his Kevin Smith days when I thought he was rather scrummy. The pedia told me he used to be an eminent street skateboarder, and imdb trivia confirmed this. He was mentioned in the Tony Hawke autobiography three (3) times! I was on fire, I needed youtube proof, I HAD to see Jason Lee looking like one of those kids on a Gus Van Sant film. I found the proof, and it was beautiful.

One clip led to another, and soon I was looking up more videos, more tricks, and one name kept popping up, Jerry Hsu. An Asian?

It was mesmerizing, as I laid there in bed a few thoughts came to my head, a few vaguely academic thoughts, things that read like essay topics and subtitles. Unwilling to expand on any of them, here's what's left, verbatim:

simulated flight and the street skateboarder:
maintaining velocity and fluidity over constructed obstacles, freedom leaps across youth culture.

reclaimed surf culture, almost always simulated through video culture and therefore more immediate, readily acceptable into the youth mind frame.

lighting and fisheye camera, out of necessity carving out a niche look and feel

the urban cool of the unpretentious (postures and gestures)

muted rebellion, socially alienated and yet 'safe' subcultures.

Hell if I wasn't going to write essays that I was going to be marked on, there was no way I was going to blog one. Jerry Hsu as it turns out also take pretty darn good photos, for Vice magazine. These are worthy people.

cute things and links

2008-04-27T04:32:00.004+10:00

so two days ago i bought six baggus. because... well... i've learned to restrain actual money spending and needed an outlet for cheap online buys that make me feel better. so eco friendly has became the name of the game, as well as free samples of mineral makeup where you only have to pay the $5US shipping.

when these items ship i'll be sure to let you know how they'll undoubtedly change my life.

says the mental who's watching a clearly manipulative chinese propagandist piece of tv at 4:40a.m. you know, take away the annoying canto mandarin accent, the obligatory 10 minute bursts of spiel on chinese/honkers politics and the fact that it's 4:40a.m. it's a really gripping show.

it's 4:40am because it took a while for me to figure out how to add the darfur wall banner onto this blog. the code they included on the site doesn't seem to want to cooperate with me and i had to kind of figure out flash embedding html, albeit very very basic code, and my brain's a mush. all this distracts from the actual aim of the banner. the point is, donate a dollar or two, add my advocate id because i'd like to see my name with a little light next to it, and help light up the wall, one number at a time.

lastly, (for it's not 4:52)

Hating Kylie Kwong

2008-03-21T01:13:00.008+11:00

This is like a sport with me. I would be hungry, and turn on lifestyle channel and run into a kylie kwong marathon, and 5 minutes later be full on hate. I really don't have a problem with her actual recipes per se, it's the fact that she thinks it's Chinese cooking. If she would just own up to the fact that, being 5th generation Australian, there is actually very little Chinese left in her apart from the way she looks. Her training has been largely accredited to Niel Perry, who is well respected for being the grandaddy of fusion cooking in Australia. Fusion, not actually Asian, and especially not attributed to any particular country, let alone region. Now in comes kylie, using her Chinese looks and a part and partial knowledge of asian cooking ingredients that are widely available, in Safeway no less, (namely sesame oil, peanut oil and yellow wine which she calls chinese cooking wine, there's about 20 different varieties of chinese cooking wine but what gives right? she only can see the one that gets sold here.) and automatically gets three tv series deals, lifestyle food marathons and books that offensively overtake my Borders.

She doesn't seem to understand that Chinese food as we know it in Australia is largely Cantonese cooking, and she lumps everything together and calls it Chinese. Her palette is quite tame, just because she likes chicken feet, which frankly most of my white friends love, she thinks herself quite daring.

here are some instances:

*She was making san choi bao and she made up some crap about Chinese vegetarianism. which was utter crap, because unless you have the shaved head of a monk, vegetarianism is looked upon with utmost horror, and you'd starve in most places you go. Then as she was preparing the the bok choy she said "choy means green in Chinese, and it's spelled c-h-o-y". there are about 3 things wrong with that. First choy is in Cantonese, it means vegetables, it has no spelling but it's transliterated and not in English, where it is in turns spelled with either a "y" or an "i", and is in fact the same choy as san "choi" bao. Oh and it really doesn't belong IN a san choi bao.

*She then goes on about how there's two types of noodles, egg and rice. she couldn't be more wrong. Just the sheer fact that pasta originated in China and was brought over by Marco Polo would give you a pretty good clue that there are probably some rocking flour noodles in Chinese cooking. I am 350% sure she has never tasted a proper bowl of Eastern Chinese noodle soup. I've been looking forever in Melbourne for a decent bowl and it just doesn't exist. Even Shanghai (the hodge podge mecca of everything that it is) doesn't do it justice. You really have to venture out to Chang Shu, and more specifically to a place that used to exist down the street from where I grew up, for the most amazing mouth orgasm of your life. Every winter I dream of having some hot lamb noodle soup, and it is my absolute favourite thing. It was something I used to share with my grandfather, a love for noodles. I'm always going to miss that.

*Hypocrisy upon hypocrisy, she landed in Shanghai (a land of her past, a place she's never been to but feels like she "knows") and refused to try the stinky tofu. Failing to recognise the stinky tofu for what it is, actually discredits her as a foodie let alone chef.

*and now she's going on about making a Chinese iceberg lettuce salad. Honey please, there is no iceberg lettuce in China, they don't even know what it is. It gets imported to Hong Kong where they use it primarily for san choi baos and that's it. That's as far as the lettuce is used in all of "chinese cooking"

*"Everywhere I go I see familiar tastes and smells" as the camera lingers on a shot of takoyaki. yup. Japanese octopus balls. She didn't even know what they were.

*shen jian bao, pan fried Shanghai mini pork buns. I especially love how whenever she comes across any cooking or food preparation she likes to explain what it is to the camera without asking anyone about it and make comments like "the quality of a pork bun, is shown in how many pleats it has". Absolute bollocks. It merely shows the delicacy of the wrap. Oh and then she made deepfried wontons, which was created by American takeaway Chinese menus as a giveaway item.

my laptop is about to give out so I'll stop it there, and I'll turn the t.v. off. But SHUT UP KYLIE, YOU'RE NOT CHINESE. STOP PRETENDING!

All asians are by nature foodies, and anyone with any knowledge knows how much of a hack she is, she is catered to those suburban housewives wanting to add a little ethnic to her weekly rotation, and it just kinda sorta makes me sick.

mock jeans

2008-03-08T03:11:00.005+11:00

It's about time i made a new post. throughout the last couple of weeks i kept making mental notes on whines and moans to crap on about but really can't be bothered now. first order of business, a spot of geeklicious widgetry. to the left, under my pretty twitter badge, is a drop.io widget. through this you can send me anything you want, pictures, videos, music, documents, and i won't know who it's from. if it starts filling up i could just create a new free account of 100mbs. if it gets good enough i might publish the link where it all gets collected. the site is a really neat idea, you could even leave voicemail for me, it'll be an expensive call to new york to get it into my folder but that's not that much through the magic of skype. probably cheaper than leaving a message on my mobile even. anyway that's enough advertising for them. (and of course all this excitement is happening on the blog and not the facebook imported note)

the mental notes that i have basically consisted of bitching about how astoundingly bad cashmere mafia is (the production value of hollywood blockbusters, with the look and feel of soft core porn and playtime for lucy liu in costumes. lethal lethal mix), how surprisingly entertaining So You Thing You Can Dance Australia is (rhys, the resident flaming queer is the very same M.A.C. makeup artist that helped me pick out my base and powder shades), and horror upon horror, the leggins made to look like pants phenomenon that comatosed me before christmas, is now sweeping box hill, and most likely the nation, available at all good asian owned sock stands in shopping centers.

that's a pretty bad phone picture, so they might look like denim, but rest assured they all have the spandex and fake stitching of leggings. someone needs to bleed for this atrocity, and my finger is pointed at not linds lo, but people who do exercise. people who think a pair of nike's means it's ok to wrap your lumps in something black and stretchy and go out into daylight.

It was also the opening night of the French Film Festival last night, the full force of Palaise du Como was armed at the ready. finishing at quarter to two and having close to half a bottle of champagne down my shoe, the most unpleasant moment would still have to be when the greased back hair'd first born spawn to the zeccola legacy, my boss's boss, man who runs the Film division of the Palace family said to me (as i was passing trays of food around being attacked by vultures on all sides) "i just want you to stand next to me you're so beautiful". there. it's out on the internet now, i feel better.

thinking of having another movie night sometime in the near future. volunteer your most forlorn dates and we'll hug it out with chips and experimental cinema. speaking of which, my personal demi-god, felicity colman is keeping a new blog for her class this year at screen machine. the lastest lecture apparently touched on Gordon Matta-Clarke whice i blogged about not too long ago, but she included movies! so here i am shamlessly ripping off flick ripping off ubuweb.

Splitting (1974), Conical Insert (1975), City Slivers (1976).

pretty plether things

2008-02-08T01:28:00.000+11:00

so get this. Natalie Portman designs shoes now. and not only are they
a) unimpressive
b) way too expensive for what they are (vegan is now apparently code for plether, or just a word you plop in front of inexpensive products to jack up the prices, the "vingage" of 2008 if you will)
c) only available for pre-orders right now.

they are sold out, down to every style, and in every size.

Don't get me wrong i've been in love with this girl ever since that photo in either a Dolly or a Girlfriend magazine eons ago in that white faux fur jacket doing a promo for Star Wars Episode One, a love affair that's been constant throughout all her choices, even garden state, and growing steadily since closer. must she follow down the celebrity endorsement rabbit hole? oh i'm sorry it's a celebtrity "design range" but writing down a list of pumps, mary janes, ballet flats and some very basic heels doesn't exactly constitute "design". but bless her heart, she wants some vegan alternatives to designer shoes, someone should tell her you could just probably grab some cheap asian import for plether.

***

I just finished reading The Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius. the Dave Eggers debut memoir/novel that put him on the map. The guy is a genius, and the fact that I started reading it traveling from San Fran to Chicago while he moves from Chicago to San Fran and you know, mentioning places I kinda sorta recognise, made it the on the road novel du jour for me the way that kerouac didn't cinch. I still don't think he put the post in postmodernism. i'm going to maintain that even if you are self reflective (staggeringly so) and utilise all these little tricks you'd find in other established postmodern novels, if all of this is used just to progress a traditional narrative then in essence it can't be considered postmodern. so basically a style/content issue. but who gives, it's an amazing book, you'd be doing yourself a favour to read it.

and now i need help deciding what to read next. my one pile on my bedside table has (since america and, more specifically since City Lights) spilled over into three small mounds running parallel to my bed. but i still have a 40% off borders voucher burning a hole in my wallet so if anyone comes up with a suggestion i don't own, i'd be open to that too. at the moment it's looking like it's going to be Atomised. mostly because i'm looking for something short (i like to have a long, short, long, short pattern to my reading habits), something not as all out young america and someone not quite as easily likable as Eggers. send me your suggestions.

I'm totally just putting off sleep, i have nothing to say here. somewhere in the inner workings of my mind i must have decided that if i put off sleep, then i would not be able to wake up tomorrow and i would not be able to go help out mum at the post office in the morning BUT if and only if i'm doing something pseudo-productive like blog writing which contains the word writing in it which makes it kinda sorta worth while. oh no, it seems i'm back to my long sentences of year 10 days when i used to break microsoft word by having too many clauses. the dark days when i was still under the pc cloud. the days of blue screens and virus scans and I.E.

speaking of which, 32 gig ipod touch! that's almost worth considering! If they bump the disk space of that fit-in-a-manila-envelope, lickable-on-breakfast-tv macbook air of theirs, i might have to trade in my lowly macbook for some of that tasty goodness.

***

since this is so stream of consciousness already, here are some random links for you (pillaged unceremoniously from Waxy.org)

the arcade fire seems to be breaking some sort of record for making some very interesting music webpages (as opposed to music videos) for their kinda dull music. black mirror is the latest to get the creepy geeky weblicious treatment. question though, music videos have traditionally been made to promote album sales, much in the same vein as singles, posters, magazine interviews. how does something people have to actively look for achieve this? and if someone is geeky enough to find these little ditties (like i did), don't you reckon they'd download your music illegally (like i did)?

The Human Tetris - not that japanese one, although which is crazier i'm not entirely sure. the sheer amount of effort these guys put into making this. oh and not only tetris, they've previously done Pong, Space Invaders and Pole Position.

My blog stat reports has been a little disturbingly high lately, so for the first time in yonks i went to my site meter page and took a look at who's been coming for a visit. a majority of whom are just looking for asian porn in google images and came by way of that picture i posted of Maria Osawa a while back. with the image search terms as quite literally "asian porn" or just simply "asian"...how does google know?!?

but then there are some funny ones too, so i've decided to bring back the Friday Fives!!!

5 seach items that led people to this blog

mels boobs - with no apostrophe, because once i mentioned that the picture of mel's boobs on my flickr is one of the all time most popular. i only wonder if the net stumbler meant mel kelly too.

jesse james fucking simulation - i'm not even sure what this means, or what this person is looking for. jesse jane the porn star perhaps? maybe when jesse jane was on howard stern and rode the symbian maybe?

rosario dawson lip balm in death proof - this girl clearly knew the way to my heart, girls who kick arse combined with my love for lip products

dirty cunt - on page 27 of google, when you look up dirty cunt, is my blog. i wonder how many other links this person tried before they got to mine.

piss on my girl - this was from aol search and so i couldn't figure out the moojoo of which image exactly did they find for those search terms and whereabouts my blog came up for the inquiry. the fact that all these are vaguely girl/porn related has nothing to do with me, clearly we're all in the wrong industry and should just quit our day jobs and add to this massive empire of smut.

runners up: bemmy book (??!) photo drum girl (huh?)

i think that's enough ramblings for one night. goodnight all.

house with a w-shaped hole

2008-01-30T00:22:00.000+11:00

this is a mad man. a mad man who's currently rocking my world.

did anyone else know about this? why did i have to spend two hours staring at his photos at MOCA in LA to learn about him?

so get this right. he cut buildings. oh don't worry, he's got his architecture degree from cornwell. so he knows what he's doing when he cuts a W shaped hole throughout a house. or makes a conical insert into some building about to get demolished. or when he just splits a house down the middle. anarchitecture. it's amazing. he also made short films, performance art pieces, hang in the gallery type art pieces, was in paris for the 68 riots and aligned himself with the situationists. the man's a freak. hacking away at the american dream quite literally with a power saw. splitting the modern city. the book on him was too big, a quarter of the size of my suitcase, and weighed accordingly. so i bought a book on his films. making trees dance, cutting and descending into the base of paris to honour his friend's death.

so i'm sitting here, listening to roising murphy trying to convince me she's no longer moloko, and reading up on Gordon Matta-Clark.

Splitting

Splitting (titling pieces wasn't his strong point)

Office Baroque

Conical Insert

A W-Hole House

His influence is still felt today, just a few months ago, a british artist Richard Wilson decided to have his own go at matta-clark.

Turning the Place over

Simulacres et Simulation

2008-01-13T19:20:00.000+11:00

2007 spent in the dark:

01. Pan's Labyrinth
02. The Fountain
03. Stranger Than Fiction
04. Pursuit of Happyness
05. For Your Consideration
06. Notes on a Scandal
07. Breaking and Entering
08. Little Children
09. The Illusionist
10. 300
11. The Good German
12. Perfume
13. The Host
14. The Lives of Others
15. Paris Je T'aime
16. Half Nelson
17. Spiderman 3
18. The Science of Sleep
19. Zodiac
20. As It Is In Heaven
21. Tales from Earthsea
22. My Best Friend
23. Factory Girl
24. Transformers
25. Harry Potter OoP (Singapore)
26. Alone (Singaproe)
27. Sicko (MIFF Opening)
28. Breath (MIFF)
29. Lagerfeld Confidential (MIFF)
30. In Memory of Myself (MIFF Vollie)
31. The Signal (MIFF)
32. Accelerator Program 2 (MIFF Vollie)
33. Rescue Dawn (MIFF)
34. Time (MIFF)
35. Transformers (repeat)
36. After Life (MIFF Vollie)
37. VIVA (MIFF Vollie)
38. Echoes of Home (MIFF Vollie) +Katoomba
39. In the Company of Actors (MIFF Vollie)
40. My Kid Could Paint That (MIFF Vollie)
41. Day Watch (MIFF)
42. Inside Paris (Work)
43. Born and Bred (MIFF)
44. Strange Culture (MIFF)
45. Joshua (MIFF) +Strange Hysteria
46. Mister Lonely (MIFF)
47. Man From London (MIFF)
48. This is England
49. Home Song Stories
50. Fracture
51. Ratatouille
52. A Mighty Heart (Staff Screening)
53. Chelsea Girls (ACMI 16mm)
54. Badlands + Mean Streets
55. Eastern Promises
56. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (Staff Screening)
57. Death Proof
58. Michael Clayton
59. Elizabeth: The Golden Age
60. Awake (LA)
61. Juno (LA)
62. Beowulf (San Fran)
63. The Golden Compass (San Fran)
64. No Country for Old Men (LA)
65. Atonement (NYC)
66. Sweeney Todd (NYC)
67. The Bucket List (NYC)

Paid for: 27

I've been back for almost a week now, but that's ok, I gave myself until this weekend to be lazy. the mother gets home on the 15th, at which time the buzzing would return to my head and any gears i've been cranking internally to get somewhere would unwind, deflate, and i'd probably settle back into same old routine of passively consuming trash starring some prepubescent doe eyed starlet. oooooh skins returns in feb, my torrent client can have something to feed it's hungry hungry heart again.

buzzzzzzzzzzzz

back to list making. favourite films from the above list:

Paris Je'Taime
In parts, the joss whedon segment sucked pickles, and chris doyle scared me.

Stranger than Fiction
Maggie G can do no wrong

Breaking and Entering+Notes on a Scandal+Little Children
these three kind of just blended together, all small scale dramas with very good performances.

Half Nelson
If i could have sex with a performance, i choose this one

The Science of Sleep
if michel gondry could get any more whimsical, he'd have be be making a movie with his 5 year old son. oh no wait, he is.

The Signal
Fucking Hilarious. getting a general release this year.

Rescue Dawn
little dieter gets the hollywood treatment. it didn't suck

In the Company of Actors
technically not a film as much as a video doco on some fabulous people putting on a fabulous show. Cate is clearly an alien, and not the MLC alumni she leads you to believe. I changed three shifts so i could see this standing in the back of the cinema during MIFF. worth every un-paid second.

Mister Lonely
rates right up there in the weirdest films of this year. in a good way. mostly.

Eastern Promises
viggo mortensen's penis gives a stella performance.

Assassination of Jesse James
i don't know why i'm writing anything, these are just good films, go see them

No Country for Old Men
ditto. a tad violent, great script.

***

oh no, the buzzing is already starting, my head hurts. I'm a catlady with no future. at least my boys love me. i'm liking how needy and clingy they've gotten since the cattery. constantly at my heels. honestly guys, bathroom time is MY time.

boy that was a sucky post. i still haven't been able to wash off the slummy stench of 07. tomorrow's monday. 2008 would start then. i'm just two weeks late, going by my usual standards it's not half bad.

a manifesto of sorts

2007-12-13T16:23:00.000+11:00

I, like you, have accumulated a bookshelf full of books i never intend to read, and growing.

i, like you, know what films i should be watching when i put another season of scrubs or family guy into the dvd player. and i have them too, those films i should watch, stacks and stacks of them. and growing.

and i know you've read all this before, fuck i know that no matter what idea i have, no matter what i write here on this useless blog it will never be anything original. there is not a single thought that this little brain could come up with that hasn't been thought before.

even today, just as i was thinking about the whole individuality as the new conformity thing, and then, there it was. wham. bound and pretty in City Lights Bookstore, already in paperback by some Hal Niedzviecki, ready for me to scan through and relate to and jump up and down rather embarrassingly shouting to my mum like christian bale did in velvet goldmine "THAT'S ME! MUM! THAT'S ME!". complete with some hipster with skinny tie and black cardie on the cover, all that was missing was the retro specs, which i'm sure is mentioned in chapter 5 somewhere. every sodding idea i have, it's floating out there, i just don't know about them yet. (yes ben, i'm using the "word" sod, it carries the right amount of washed out, wasted, trodden nuance that i need)

this is not an existentialist oh-woe-is-me-what-is-the-meaning-of-all-this crisis. i'm just saying, stating, in a manifesto sort of way, to just fuck it.

The Fuck It Manifesto.

it's like when i watched Juno. i mean was it ground breaking? no. not in content, style, comment or delivery. but was it entertaining? more importantly, was it worth while? Hell yeah. so fuck it. I, Alice Bing Qing Tao Qin (and anyone who cares to join me), vow to, henceforth, not worry about originality, repetitiveness, or (let's face it) quality, but just go ahead and see if i can put anything, anything at all into the world. the worth of which can be determined later, creation is the idea. enough of this worrying about whether people would like it or whether it would work or whether i feel sick writing the same opinions over and over again in uni essays. fuck it. it's better than not producing anything at all. (and failing uni courses because you didn't write the essay at all)

it's like when i finally decided to get my dSLR. i'm no photographer, and i probably never will be. i just knew that i needed something more than what my little point and shoot can give me. i have tons of photographer friends who would be able to see my pathetic shots with it but you know, fuck it. they're hardly going to critique me. i guess this isn't original either, it's the whole not being afraid thing isn't it? but as of now, i couldn't care less about that either.

so who's with me? for creativity's sake. for getting more voices herd. for never having to capitalise because it's just a blog. let's just fuck it all.

sincerely,
Alice Bing Qing Tao Qin

(sign your name in the comments if you're behind this movement)

two tails

2007-10-26T00:50:00.000+10:00

*warning: filler post. actual content pending*

Charlie Parker, that's the second cat, and Miles Davis have settled quite well. i think. All day i watched them eat, drink, poop, and wrestle. no matter how hard i try to block out all access to under my bed they always seem to find a way in and retire for two hours at a time until i go in to fish them out, when they'll go eat, drink, poop, and wrestle. i think they're adapting to me now. instead of retreating they now wrestle over, around, and on top of me like i'm part of the furniture. i've given up on keeping them away from under my bed, instead i just leave them a gap for safe passage at the top of the bed so that if my worst fears of my bed collapsing is ever realised they can run out easily. i'm also trying to introduce them to the top of my bed. it's working, they now jump on, and run through it quite regularly on their routes of their chase games.

i've taken a few videos but you really have to see them. they're scratching the hell out of my room but they're the darn tootin' cutest things you ever saw. miles can climb half way up my curtains now!

oops. they both got distracted by my tapping away at the keypad half way through a half nelson and fell sidelong in a heap off my bed. i think i will introduce them to the rest of the house tomorrow. this room suddenly seems too small for them.

aah, miles has just learned the difference between pillow and doona. similar texture, but very different leverage points for attack. they're both perfecting the hind legs pounce, sometimes toppling over mid pounce. miles has these stubby little legs, so it's pretty funny. charlie is just beautiful, but a little schizo. frantically chasing his tail in jerky movements, and sometimes chasing something entirely imaginary.

twist, pounce. twist, pounce.

at air.

the game just got vicious, they're starting to push each other off the bed.

and now charlie's gone to the bathroom and miles can't find him. i am so becoming a cat lady but how can i help it when they're so cute when they're little?

Neon Bible

2007-10-08T16:21:00.000+10:00

an hour until i have to get to work. today has been all around pretty shit. i AM benjamin law. fated to be married to the public transport system. i really should've gotten more sleep last night.

but outside of today things have been going well. the moronic cutting of my fringe times 4 which caused the epic (romeo in the desert) proportions of yelling "NOOOOOOooo" actually turned out pretty good. in that i don't look like a complete fool, and i can still pin it up if i wanted. the monologues are coming together nicely. finally have them down. i think. sort of. yes.

emmy bemmy's 21st was over the weekend, where i donned the pink wig which kept threatening to fall off. i was lacking a stocking. and hair nets are....well, hair nets. never go there people. was slightly worried about people guessing that i was natalie portman (aka alice the stripper) from closer than what i actually went as. miss thang from lost in translation, in memory of one of the best nights of summer '04. from one rockin party where no one was themselves to another rockin party where it got positively messy with a marathon gay three way in the kitchen. plans were laid out for the fake copelen.

This time next year, Tregsie, Carilious and I, no matter where we are in the world WILL be living together in some rockin house where the furnishings shall be tastefully arranged milk crates, and we would be living off sueballs' maccas VIP card. it shall be Copelen "The Bungalow". and we will work all year to make it happen. it's in writing people! now hustle!

ok i need get get a move on soon. but everyone go here

oh oh and

i know you all love Wes and Jason. the interview's in several clips that just play one after another so just let the goodness roll in people...

french dog blues

2007-09-28T01:48:00.000+10:00

haven't really been in a blogging mood lately. first things first, if you're on facebook, go to the original blog post. it'll make your life that much richer.

so a lot has happened. china and back.

a lot of food, mahjong, bowing and loud percussive noise took place. i was plonked head-first into the province of women, where the thinness and fatness of various relatives could remain the hot topic for up to 4 hours at a time. the days were punctuated by food, the food punctuated by meeting relatives who don't remember me, who i don't remember, and don't really care all that much about my grandfather either.

a certain relative pranced around smiley and giddy with my uncle's camera taking pictures of everything like it was a big party, all i wanted to do was shake her up, slap the camera out of her hands, and scream. all these crazy rituals, who are we doing them for?

it felt horrible leaving my grandmother alone in that big house, with no one around save a few security guards, i was thankful for the long silent drive up to putuo mountain. the rest of the trip was just more food, i never thought i'd get so sick of eating, but i am.

and now i'm back. i had all these movie reviews drafted, maybe i'll finish them one day and put them up. who knows.

there will be fun times ahead though. the mexico trip planning is happening in full swing. tickets have been paid in full, including my extension in the states for about a month. if any of you would happen to be state side dec 5th - jan 6th, give me a holla. i have no idea where i'm going to be other than new years in new york (with jazz and crew) and somehow ending up in LAX for my flight back would be good.

oh and look, it's my birthday soon. i had no idea how soon until today, i honestly thought it was a few weeks away. 22. i don't really feel anything for it, which is why, for the fourth year running, i'm not doing anything for it. this time last year, i was getting excited to see young and restless for the first time. this time last year, i was buying my first penguin red. this time last year, i was just getting to know deano and mr. daphne. you know what? i'm calling it a pretty good year. the bonsai's still alive, one year and counting.

what else do you people care about reading? probably not much. the new issue of McSweeney's is apparently flying to my doorstep some time soon, i'm pretty effing excited, the believer has been bundles of joy and wholphin was pretty damn great.

my man on the inside. that's dean and his bose-ness, hooked me up with a new plasma. plus trimmings, he came around with his manpower buddy oyoy to fix it up nice, and boy is it nice. once we have all the rest of the shit sorted i'm having a movie night. it should be mexico/cuba themed, starting with the motorcycle diaries. or we should just go ahead and do what i have in my mind and let it just be an all out gael garcia bernal night. boy's don't fret, we could put on bad education, it'll be something for everybody. and i will celebrate it by buying the science of sleep. (is it my fault he's got perfect bone structure?)

oh before i flew off to china i went to see the shins.

am i weird for wanting james mercer to be a creepy uncle who drinks too much at family functions and starts hitting on everyone? well i think he's brilliant anyway, and i love that australia is their second single from wincing, and that the title has nothing to do with the song, and that the video has nothing to do with either the title or the song. i know i've linked this already, but seriously, go watch their take-away show. migod. go. now. open up a new tab, the blog'll still be here.

***

now wasn't your day made better by that?

oh and if you're wondering why this post is called french dog blues, it's because babyshambles has a new video. and i really like it. and i don't care how sick people think i am, i love pete doherty. he's like a sick little puppy dog. and wickedly funny when sober. all ironic and drowsy.

Qin Jia Yuan

2007-08-10T10:23:00.000+10:00

He was sitting in his wicker chair. and his heart just stopped.

My grandpa died the same week as Ingmar Bergman. well 10 days later. still, he would've been proud. he was about 20 years younger than Ingmar though. I had prepared myself, ever since I came back from a visit 3 years ago, that it'll happen like this, we'd be far away, worrying about our own worries, and then there'd be a phone call. Three years ago I used to cry whenever I saw a pair of frail old hands, thinking that I might never see his pair again. I had hoped, some small hope, that we'd be able to get him here, fix his heart, fix his eyes, and I'd help him write his memoirs. I'd make him hand write them because I wanted the world to see his beautiful penmanship. He was eccentric the way most grandparents are eccentric. but they were his, and i understood them, and i loved them. Whenever I shake hands with someone I'd always remember how he used to tell me to go about my business, but then every few minutes would call me back into the room urgently, and then with nothing really to say he would sheepishly shake my hand. The road that I live off is Tu La Ke Lu (Toorak Road), and how picky he was about his food. I'm really just as picky as him, but nicer about it and would eat it even if I don't like it. I used to try to picture him as the flamboyant playboy of the east coast. (that's China, not Miami) the mistress he had and the daughter who's only ten years older than me.

he was always peaceful in his wicker chair. he probably had his giant jar of tea with him,an old Nestcafe jar, the Gold Blend because it has the curved sides that he can hold on to. I wonder what he was thinking about in those last moments. probably something about making a fresh pot of the good stuff he stole from mum two weeks ago. the man loved his tea. so do I when I come to think of it.

hold your breath

2007-07-26T23:24:00.000+10:00

***

I've just realised I haven't really posed a recap of my trip have i? well here it is, hong kong in camera phone pictures...

You line it up to your face, and tweeze your eyebrows according to the line. I love sasa. there was also these cheek templates, you can choose to have a round circle, an oval, or a harsher dash across your cheek, space it from your nose, and apply blush.

there were two shelves full of different kinds of these. double sided sticky tape you place on your eyelid to create a crease, what asians call "double eyelids" as opposed to their chinky "mongolian eyes"

As I was taking this, 5 of them were still smoking

I love instant noodles, and the leaps and bounds asian instant noodles have taken since the last time i was in the warm cradle of preservative broth. now they come with eggs, in sealed foil. and not just any old boiled egg, the old home styled tea eggs i used to have as a kid. the yoke was a bit flaky.

I hate drinking, everyone knows that. well, a few things happened and my face met the pavement of Lan Kwai Fong. moet was involved. this ugly bruise was what resulted

I love fast food. this was fast food asian style. i learned to keep away from the rice burgers this time (teriyaki beef surrounded by two rice buns, sounds good, don't taste it) this was just a simple beef dish. cheap meet, drenched in sauce. I just really liked their fruit punch, they had this at maccas too. diced tinned fruit in tutti fruitti soda punch.

and that was it. that was all the photos i took while abroad. all on my phone. a few lucky peeps wrangled some souvenirs out of me, lucky bastards, i didn't even buy anything for myself. cept for the perfume. speaking of which, my perfume, the one i've been using the last three, four years, has been discontinued. fuck i want to be famous just so i can kick giorgio armani in the arse and get him to make them again. i don't smell like myself anymore, it's disorienting.

***

only other thing i got out of the trip was the realisation that, for no apparent reason, i've become the fat girl. i've never been the fat girl in my life. actually when i was younger i was always a little too thin, and then something happened, puberty probably, and i filled out a little more, i felt good about the filling out, i got bigger boobs out of it. modest yes, but bigger. i remembered joking around with friends that when i see someone overweight, i wonder if there is a moment when they look in the mirror and start to realise that, maybe they've over extended themselves a little? the tipping point where they think, shit, i've really gained a few there? and now i'm looking in the mirror, and thinking, is this the moment? fuck, how did it happen? and before you start writing in on how i'm not and i look "womanly" and blah blah, it's ok, i'm happy with my body, i really am. but i realise i have gained a bit since this time last year, and that was a few inches more on six months before that. i was wearing this pair of pants that i loved back in year 12, they used to hang on me, and tonight through the two films that i saw i was squirming around because they were so tight, and sitting a little high. i always thought i really packed it on during my late night "study sessions" back then. anyway, useless waffle. point is, i want to get healthier. start running, join a yoga class that sort of thing. i won't starve myself, god knows i can't. so don't worry.

***

MIFF started. that's pretty awesome, already seen three films out of it. Sicko for the opening last night, Breath (Kim Ki Duk) and Lagerfeld Confidential tonight.

I've never liked michael moore, but he does have a certain sense of humour about him. sicko hit a few of the right spots, and hopefully it draws some attention to this blindingly obvious problem. I kept hoping he would come down and evaluate the australian health care system, just to prove that we're not going in the way of the americans, but he didn't, and i'm still not so sure, we certainly don't get free treatment for everything.

The Kim Ki Duk was his usual study of human interactions and twisted mentalities. That's not to say it was anything short of brilliant. I've never disliked a movie made by that man, and the line in front of RMIT Capitol attests to his popularity here. granted i haven't actually seen any of his commercial work for the mainstream Korean media, but i'd say he's keeping happy enough with his art now to not bother with them anymore. There's another one of his films in the festival this year which i'm seeing tuesday night, can't wait.

The Karl Lagerfeld doco was...well...the subject matter was very interesting, otherwise it was pretty dull. it was pretty badly made, a lot of cliched shots of the roaring sea, later justified by young karl running in and out of the waves (at least i hope it was karl, otherwise that would've been just 5 minutes of pure crap). it reminds me of what nick hornby writes of biographies in the Polysyllabic Spree, cut the crap. who cares if someone who later became a genius at one stage of his childhood did something really mundane? or something to that effect. if you have little material to work with (which i suspect this filmmaker did, a lot shots from a distance, fillers, very little actual interview) don't fill it with crap. a shorter film doesn't make it less worthwhile. lagerfeld himself was a riot. he has a giant library that requires those wheel things to open up the shelves, books fill his bedroom, as do silver rings which he wears in abundance on his finger ("he used to be able to pat you, now it hurts"). he has a million ipods, and talks candidly about practicing homosexuality since he was 13. when he came home one night after being assaulted by a man and a woman, one can assume sexually, around the age of 11 or 12, his mother said to him "look at yourself, it's your own fault". there's a sign that hangs in the bathrooms, in the iconic Chanel white on black printed in French "Pissing everywhere isn't very Chanel". i wish a better filmmaker had made it.

aside from all that, well, a lot of things happened. among which my relationship status on my facebook. i know it's only a matter of time, but for now it just damned unbearable. i really am the shittest person i know.

The Unaccountable McSweeney

2007-07-12T15:25:00.000+10:00

I'm not sure just quite how it happened. All I know is that, I was sitting here in my room, reading Zadie Smith's On Beauty and taking breaks by reading Nick Hornby's Polysyllabic Spree (not the crazy band that cameo'd in Scrubs, but the book, which only makes me want to go on and read more things like On Beauty, so it was the perfect plan really). I was musing for a moment just how incestuous the modern english literary circle really is, almost like Victorian England only instead of walking around London and bumping into all the literary celebs of the day you are all connected by publishing houses, sending you scripts of friends who are really only friends because you belong to the same publishing houses. Dave Eggers' wife edits The Believer (which Hornby writes a column for, would you believe it?)

So all of a sudden, I find myself doing a triple subscription of McSweeney's, The Believer AND Wholphin, because what kind of a cinema studies student would I be to neglect the DVD short film version of the McSweeney empire. and all of a sudden i'm out USD$160.

So as you can see, I'm am all together committed to this trip to Hong Kong. I've met 70% of the people I'm supposed to meet, and have had enough. Because honestly, even if on the slightest chance that there was anything for me here at all (if i was thin enough, and spoke cantonese enough), I wouldn't want to be a cog in the asian entertainment wheel. It's one thing to admire the work ethics of all these utterly talentless pretty young things, but quite another to want to be one. So sure Mr. Shamelessdirectorguy, I'll go home and drop a few kilos, learn some canto, and send you my portfolio. Do you take homemade DVDs?

I'm half tempted to skip my afternoon appointments and stay in and read. but the promise of some seriously good grub would end up dragging me out the door, into the sweat tank, to put on the happy ambitious face they love so much and tell them "yes I'd LOVE to be just like Twins or Isabella!" has anyone heard these girls trying to sing live? or indeed do anything at all other than stand there looking like a young pretty thing.

But I guess that's the industry everywhere, and still, the industry I want to get into. It's just that there isn't anything else BUT that here. Quality work really isn't appreciated here at all, quite aside from the fact that I couldn't possibly live here, I mean there are no art house cinemas and the bookstores look like my primary school library. They do sell City Moleskines here though, so one up for them. Oh and while on the subject of 'skines, a minor celebrity of the 'skine world Patrick Ng does live here.

I'm just bitter. I know that. If only I had some friends here, I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune. I did have the best japanese food of my life last night, and was so full from it i felt positive i could give birth to live crayfish as some kind of fucked up divine retribution.

I have no photos. I feel too shit to take photos. Plus, everywhere I look the technology everywhere puts my little out of date 4 megapixel to shame. I'm pretty sure all their mobiles have about that much. Shit, I'd better find out how to get to the Academy of Performing Arts from here on the MTR.

HK mania

2007-07-07T21:24:00.000+10:00

Oh, it's humid alright. you don't even have time to sweat, the moment you step out a layer of reverse condensation develops on your skin. So far, i've done pretty much nothing. slept a lot, kept checking emails. I don't get to meet anybody til at least Monday, then I have a week to squeeze in as many meetings as i can.

the plane ride over here was largely uneventful, from melbourne to sing i sat next to this american medical research presenter who's on his way to the epilepsy convention. His breath stank a little, though he was nice enough, and nice enough to put his headphones on and didn't talk to me from take off onwards. happily enjoyed a whole bunch of embarrassing movies guilt free on the plane. Blades of Glory, Disturbia, Priceless, and half of Night at the Museum because I fell asleep half way through. i really didn't miss out on much.

the flight from singapore to hong kong was longer than i expected, there was a girl sitting with me, the seat between us was empty. but the girl, was the dullest little creature. she did. not. move. at all. didn't put her headphones on, didn't read anything, didn't look at anything. just sat there and stared. it was so strange, like tim burton's staring girl, i waiting for her to take her eyeballs out for the "well deserved rest".

yeah you guys don't care. anyway, i got here in one piece. a man on the plane with me who stood inline behind us for the check in saw me get off and gave me his card and told me to call him if i need anything, which i thought was nice of him, he didn't seem like the predatory type, although i doubt i'd call him.

i went out for walks today. just around the area. it's seedy and busy, with all this upmarket designer goods mixed with the dingiest riff raff stores. i needed to buy some adapters so i can charge my phone and stuff, but couldn't find them anywhere. so i wander into this building, that looks kind of dirty and the sort of place you can find cheap gadgety things, and it was like i stumbled into little india, if little india was run by a sleazy uncle who happened to be a wise guy. you know, not a connected guy, a wise guy. anyway, point of the story is, it was scary. i was right though, i found power adapters, but i didn't want to stop for long enough to buy it, i just kept walking and avoided eye contact. i come back and look in my guide book and the description actually did contain the words seedy and sleazy and worth a look just for kicks. well i'm glad i can tick THAT off my itinerary. anyway it was too hot to walk around too much, and all the streets i took happened to lead me right back here, so i came back.

my mum's friend's sister called me and his son asked me if i wanted to go out tonight. with my overseas can-do attitude i said "erm....ok?" then he said "ok i'll call you before we go clubbing" and hung up. so apparently i'm going clubbing, with a bunch of boys i've never met, in a pressure cooker. I should bail. i need my sleep if i want to make the 10:30 cut-off for my breakfast buffet. waffles tomorrow?

i can't be bothered blogging in any coherent manner, outside is too hot and my room is too cold, i've brought no jumpers with me and nothing that covers up past my knees. any words of support can be sent to me on my temporary 3 phone number, or facebook. daphne, get facebook, because i can get on it through my phone. myspace spazzes it out.

i'm a little freaked. and not knowing what the hell i'm doing is a little scary. and the fact that i don't smell like myself (they didn't have my perfume at the duty free store at the air port) worries me a little too. i bought amarni code because i needed a smell, and my plane was having a final boarding call, and now i smell like an overpriced version of burberry brit, a bit like an expensive teddy bear. where are all the fun daggy people?

utilities

2007-06-30T00:59:00.000+10:00

when you break someone's heart you always shatter into pieces yourself. today was spent in a delirious daze of sobbing uncontrollably, whimpering in bed, manically dialing and hanging up, and finally letting the call get through and letting everything out in one outburst that became a mild panic attack where my body contorted and i couldn't breath. i can't begin to image what he is going through.

you do tend to think about the beginning, don't you? you can't help it, and you start pin pointing all the precise moments you screwed it up. some screw ups bigger than others. some are unforgivable and causes the kind of regret that ties up your intestines and makes you want to rip out your insides. and knowing that there is absolutely nothing i can do, but beg and cry.

i had my rally team of cheer me ups. high fidelity, mean girls, by the time i got to clueless i feel relatively ok again, to get myself to the point where i can come to accept the consequences, and accept my lot.

it changes you. each time it changes you a little. a little bit more resilient, or patient maybe? i owe so much to him, his energy, the constant wanting of bettering himself. but personality changes too, tastes. carnivale, all the noir we watched the books we shared. he fueled my unhealthy appetite of moleskines with noodler's ink, penguin reds, buying paperbacks, trolling JB, ikea, borders.. we did so many nothings that were all just perfect. i was collecting pieces of a new life, things that make me feel like i'm finally living for myself, but with him, and i'm pretty sure he was too.

there's a soreness of wanting the past to restore itself, and knowing that even if we were still together, nothing would be the same. feel like the biggest fool. i just want to be a part of his life.

i need a break

Dating Quiz

2007-06-07T01:17:00.001+10:00

remember the OkCupid! Dating personality test i did almost two years ago?

well since they've updated the test this year, and my situation has changed since then as well, i thought i'll take it again.

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLD)

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor (DGSM)

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail (RBLM).

Do this quiz yourself.

I'm Not There

2007-06-06T23:45:00.000+10:00

Cate Dylan is going to rock my world. From the director of Velvet Goldmine (and we all know what a panty creamer that was), comes a poetic retelling of the life of Bob Dylan, played by Christian Bale, Cate Blanchett, Heath Ledger, Ben Wishaw (the guy from Perfume) and some 11 year old black kid. All as Dylan. Are you kids ready?

In other movie news, not only is Rescue Dawn, the hollywood version of Little Dieter Needs to Fly already completed, according to imdb the release date is set to 6 Sept down over our way. Why herzog would want to make a hollywood version of his own doco is beyond me, but it's by him and starring christian bale so my life is complete.

i need to upload some photos, but not tonight because i just can't be fucked. dean's birthday drinks, jazz's birthday drinks, photos of maya at red door burlesque. The combined efforts of both dean and myself in the camera pimping of maya is getting obscene. but hey, i was never one for holding back.

i have an insane amount of free time on my hands. which would normally be a good thing considering essays being due and all that jazz, but all it ends in is the stereogum mp3 player on the side menu on your left, a comment box on my myspace, and flickr and last.fm goodies on my facebook. oh and buying new lamps from ikea. $15 and standing tall and pretty, you can't go wrong.

***
a life in nicknames. 5 nicknames i've been given throughout my life which they considered endlessly ingenious and i just sat there slightly bemused

1. Bitchy: 1998. Not because i was a bitch, but apparently for two years Barry had been referring to me as Bitchy because he thought it sounded like my chinese name. we were 13, all i could come up for him was the blackberry

2. A-Lice: 1998. Niuniu seriously loved this and used it extensively. Why didn't i fight back goddammit? i mean her name was Niuniu Ma for christ's sake. we did proceed to create the whole Aunty Knickeres, Neice Kickers craze. extention class or no, math was still just plain dull.

3. Queenie/Queenster. 2003. Created to complete the Tregsie, Carilious trio. We were a good team. i miss those days

4. QinE. 2006. While Wenyi was overseas, a love stricken James started im-ing me about how perfect this was. exact quote "it's procrustes' attempt to write Chinny on msn. it's perfect because it's really just your name + extra letter. It even has the australian provincial ring to it"...yes james...

5. Chinny-chin-chin. 2007. while standing around in a circle outside puggs, a slightly tipsy and stoned adam uttered this, which was followed by uncontrollable tipsy and stoned giggling by all, and then hungry jacks. I hate that this can never happen again, and I hate the person who caused this for making it so. Somebody fix this, if only for my purely selfish reasons.

***

Parallel Synchronized Randomness

2007-05-16T12:49:00.000+10:00

lying here in my bed at 1pm on a day on a day that i have uni. i should really go to my blake tute. but the guilt of still not have done the necessary work for my tute presentation the day after compelled me to stay home and do the work now, just as i am here blogging. there just isn't enough time. what with the opening of the spanish tonight and my silly plans for after work and the dreams of my breakfastblog huntings the morning after. everything's off the books. well, except for work.

how do you know when you're just settling? when things you want and expect just doesn't exist in your world, do you just accept the hand you're dealt with knowing full well you chose the game? going through the motions of the everyday, it's hard to believe that i am the same girl who just a year ago swore to herself that she won't ever settle again, that she's finally content with her lot.

this blog began with the chronicling of the bits and pieces that helped me get to that stage again. September 2005 when i stepped out trembling and alone. For all the therapy this outlet has provided, it really is a steaming pile of byproducts from the neither regions. and now days i keep clicking on the "+new post" button and staring at the blinking bar in the empty box and nothing. my head is the blinking bar in the empty box. i'm moving on, i've passed my blogging prime. long rants and rambling prose was never really my scene anyway. i am entirely contentless.

perhaps i would write here again, when i start getting some feelings back into my fingers. this would always be my portal. i daresay the twitter and flickr badges would get updated often, and the other various rss-liciousness. but this is the temporary shut down of the Looking Glass.

***

i'm an dirty liar. or just a perpetual regretist. moment i make a decision i have to take it back. there's still enough outpourings of the heart in me, hysterical and incomprehensible as they may be. when i try to rationalise everything into Courier New it stops making sense in my head. Halvetica perhaps?

i'm getting hungry again, i'm going out for some lunch, maybe i'll feel better then.

***

I like your boobs. They're very friendly and unpretentious.
- Stephane "Science of Sleep"

quickie before work

2007-05-12T16:42:00.000+10:00

i just wanted to make a not that i managed to waste 2 hours on THIS today without realising and was almost late to work.

i am TEH suck

but try it. it's all kinds of addictive.

oh and sorry about the down time. i was trying to port this to riceingenue.com my newly aquired domain name, but it's taking a while...

you can go to ricep0d.com for my tumblelog. there's nothing on it yet. but you just wait...

i also bought magnetsanswerall.com for cary. anytime you wanna use it for anything boy, just shout

real life in 3D

2007-05-08T17:52:00.000+10:00

ok already!

it's not about having a life, it's about actually doing things with my time and not being tied to the computer. so here it is, liquid crystal pixel ink to my virtual paper. a post, aghast!

failed my p's today.

like seriously. i suck. not only did i wait til a good half a year after i turn 21 to even attempt to put all those motoring skills to the test i had to suck at it. granted the most suckiest of reason to fail EVAH. it was all fine, we were cruising along, and i was doing GREAT. and on the way back, about 2 minutes from the end destination, i was just sitting there in the driver's seat thinking to myself... "is this a 50 zone? or a 60? it looks big enough and non-residential enough to be a 60, and they're all 60s around here...hmm...i'm going too slow then..." and grrrrr...up the speedometer

*tap tap* on the shoulder
"erm...can you pull over please."

SERIOUSLY! I FAILED FOR SPEEDING! OF ALL THINGS. THIS MAKES ME ANGRY. ALL CAPS KINDA ANGRY.

enough of that. Australia's Next Top Model was very cleansing. especially since i wasn't really watching and only looked at the pictures at the end. i can't believe the entire cast of Will and Grace are on Inside the Actor's Studio. Megan's voice is so normal, it's insanely disconcerting.

horrifying dream last night. and i was so aware that i was in a dream and was desperately trying to wake myself up. it was bizarre. i tried to run and it was kind of like running in water, so then i started banging my hand against my head and nothing. (i did acknowledge for a moment how amazing it was that i actually felt nothing and that all those cliches about pinching yourself were oddly true). it took a little while but i eventually did scare myself awake. that was a surreal moment, i couldn't be sure if i was awake awake and couldn't shake the dream off me. i can still remember everything so vividly.

***
RETURN OF THE FIVES
***

5 things ticking me off RIGHT now

1. william blake
2. the internet still not working on my new shiny new phone
3. i'm always either too cold or too warm. why can't i be warm blooded?
4. there's no chips in the house
5. i should be asleep by now

my eyelashes were fierce today. i want to try the new diorshow blackout mascara.

i want to read more. and absorb things without worrying about assessment. i want this whole uni thing to be over.

i need some sleep.

the science of sleep was awesome. if anyone is on my list (you know, the list of celebrities you can fuck without it being counted as cheating) gael garcia bernal is on it.

i want to be elsewhere...

***
list of celebrities i'd like to fuck without it being counted as cheating
***

1. the depp man
2. miss scarlett + mr. hartnett
3. gael garcia bernal
4. ryan mickey mouse club gosling
5. jonathan rhys meyers. just because he seems like he'd be really really good in bed in that asshole kind of way. you know?
supps:
milla, would not say no to her.
that guy who was not benji but was the runner up in 'so you think you can dance 2'.
natalie portman, although i'd feel bad after.

plum sauce pork ribs

2007-04-27T23:32:00.000+10:00

work at palace has been really good. they've been giving me a lot of shifts, which could either mean that they are really really under staffed, or that i haven't screwed up too big yet! either way, yay for me! the world is wonderfully small though. i won't bore you with the deets but needless to say, many people turns out to be friends of friends and i went to school with two of the girls...blah blah blah prawn crackers!

seriously prawn crackers, we got them for free with out take away order today. Red Hot Wok on Toorak Rd, South Yarra; tasty food, tiny servings, but free prawn crackers! seriously they do pizza hut like deals with soft drinks it's kinda strange. and all the waiters are uniformly unfriendly. no one smiles in that place. ever. it kinda scares me.

since i'm rambling. i really want to do this. i'm in need of more hard drive space, and i think i have a large skine that's not getting enough use i could cut up...

along with my stupid sickness, and general lack of energy, my room has accumulated a collection of drink bottles, cups, scrunched up tissues, clothes, laundry, uni stuff, and a corner where the boy always dumps his stuff. just today he looked at me lying on my bed and said
"what's that corn doing on your bed head?"
i think i need to do a massive clean out soon. and i can start bringing my books home. i've been missing my babies.

i don't think very much anymore. which is why this blog is becoming rambling updates and not much else. i don't know how to think anymore. if anyone has any ideas for a ready made essay on blake shoot it my way. it's making my head hurt. and it really really hurts.

oh oh yes the boy turned 21. he looks the same, acts the same, threw up once, cut his finger and crawled into my arms, and quit a job. well on his way i daresay. photos of all shenanigans on my flickr. for all you losers who missed it, there was a lot of drinking, choofing, and sneaking hungry jacks into the pub (you're welcome rhys). word has it, a good time was had by all. oh by the way, the photo of mel's boobs on the first page of my flickr is getting so many hits it's ridiculous. like 60 as opposed to the 2 or 3 of all the rest.

actually he is at amber's 21st right now, or should be on his way here by now. i think i hear him!

*hitting publish*

20 minutes later...

no no, he's not coming for a good while yet. he says next half hour. but what's the bet? 2am? any takers? i'm saying at least 2, maybe 2:30. maybe i'll lie in bed and watch streetcar and revel in the fact that at least he's nothing like stanley. and how hot brando was, and vivian leigh, nutter as she was.

gling glo, can't help loving that man of mine

strawberry cookie shakes

2007-04-12T20:23:00.000+10:00

whenever i have essays due, i become such a geek. i start signing up to things and cleaning up my bookmarks toolbar, and because a productivity guru.

i got Jaiku working today. which pulls things from my twitter, both things i got working with my mobile today. so you can all stalk me, i'll be sure to twitter exactly what i'm doing all the time, and people on jaiku can see it too, jaiku is also pulling my blog posts from here, as well as my flickr photos. my blog posts are also being pulled into my facebook. i also signed up for tumblr for a tumblelog. which i can upload videos i find on to and don't have to burden this blog with crap like that which according to darren is just useless crap anyway. i'll link you once i post something. but since it's a steram of consciousness type low key blog i feel it's probably going to be used a hell of a lot pretty soon. you can check out merlin mann's and also leo laporte's to get an idea of what it'll be like.

Other than that. big news shot through the cultural world today. Kurt Vonnegut died. which is all kinds of sad. i barely got through slaughterhouse 5 (even though it's the shortest book ever) but it was mainly because it was making me uncomfortable. just slightly unsettling. each time a "so it goes" pops up i'd get shivers up my spine. RIP kurt. so it goes

I got a job yesterday. Palace cinemas called me tuesday when i was in the middle of what would probably be the busiest line at a post office counter ever, i was unfortunately at the wrong end of the counter. but i called them back and they told me they were impressed by my resume. but i mean how could they not? they couldn't ask for more experience, or any closer. only problem was that i threw out my last pair of contacts before checking if i had any left and so after a mad scramble looking for the non-existent spare lenses (searching becomes an endlessly more tedious task while half blind) i tried to make myself as presentable as i could imagine without really looking in a mirror and went to an interview staring at the two little black dots on a face which i hoped were his eyes. but the interview was dead easy, i think they gave me the job before i even went in to meet them. they should be giving me a call soon for a first shift, he said probably this weekend just to get things started. i'm so excited. palace como has to be probably the best cinemas ever. and free tickets? say whoa?

i'm pretty screwed for these essays though. the blake class shits me so much that i don't even like to open up the book. there's a lot of work to be done the next few days. i'll try not to twitter or jaiku or tumlelog too much.

speaking of which, i should probably dive right in again.

oh wait! i went and saw The Lives of Others today and it was aaaawesome. incredible story, and the characters are all so great. i WILL definitely review it properly. this one at least. (oh wow....i need to review like 14 movies...)

musical humps

2007-04-03T15:37:00.000+10:00

as covered by alanis morissette

i'd be scared too if it weren't so damn funny

and and

you remember that song in DDR? No Limit? well here's bjork drunk and covering it. omg look at her little arms swinging in that kimono.

wonder

2007-04-03T00:08:00.000+10:00

this is the new maroon 5 video. it's unbelievably poppy, almost boyband-y. and for some sick reason i find ridiculously catchy. plus Adam Levine still looks kinda dreamy, and i like men in suits.

why did i post a fast connection only version? well i'm a lazy bitch who cbf looking for the youtube embed url and it looks prettier in this more demanding version...live with it

oh oh and

a sneak peek at the new spoon "Don't You Evah" at sxsw. damn i wish i could go one year. it sounds like such a blast

bedroom bound

2007-04-01T16:57:00.000+10:00

instead of writing the 12 movie reviews that i haven't done yet, i decided to add a song to this blog, and get rid of the clunky flash player (which wasn't working anyway) and instead found this handy little playtagger. go on then, click on the little blue play button, nifty eh? all with just one line of code, so neat.

i've moved back home almost a full week now, i still don't have all my things though. the boy has graciously brought back most of the things i desperately need, and my room feels less burdened by all the crap that...well...i don't need.

gah, i need time to do all these ghastly readings. it's getting on my nerves again.

there are photos on my flickr page if anyone cares to go look. i've added a Narcissism pane to my sidebar since shit about myself was really cluttering up my links.

in a blegh mood today. much like the way my head feels. i'll check back in when i'm done feeling like crap

ps/ 5 things that make me giddy

1. the giant breakfast he cooked for me the other day: 2 sausages, 2 rashers of bacon, 2 eggs scrambled AND pancakes. it was insane

2. that he tucked me in to bed last night before leaving. made me feel all small and loved. both things i value

3. that he brought back heart shaped biscuits for me from work. i love that he steals for me

4. that he got out of work to go watch perfume with me. and that he downloaded the marie antoinette soundtrack for me thus giving me theme music.

5. just how much he loves me

the boy is angry at me today for the amount of cyber flirting that's been carrying on. to be honest i don't actually think any of my messages can constitute as flirting, but in his words "if i deem them to be bullshit then it's bullshit". he's really angry in fact, and has been all day. i don't know how to make it better. i don't know if there's anything i can do.

i think i just have to wait for him to come back to me.

alethiometer

2007-03-27T23:44:00.000+10:00

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

i have never been more excited about a movie.

what is possible THE BEST children's books ever,
His Dark Materials are books i hold the dearest to my heart. books that i read and reread all throughout highschool and more or less set my mind for the rest of my life on topics of organised religion, life, maturity, sexuality, sin, pleasure, love, everything. there has never been a book i've enjoyed more, in both intellectual content and pure adventure.

i'm not even going to type properly i'm so excited. i mean sure, the casting is a little iffy. i'd always imagined someone with a really long neck for lord asriel, not mr no neck bond. and sure, we could do without a young child star named Dakota Blue. but zomfg! this is going to be the best movie ever!!!

from heart ripping page turning goodness of the first book to the epic battle between the church and the authority Vs. everyone for a Republic of Heaven, these books will blow your mind.

Philip Pullman is really THE master storyteller. while being a gripping yarn for the kids, he never talks down to the audience, and the most complex ideas i have ever had to grapple with were presented plainly in the midst of the greatest adventure story. the characters, i would happily give my life for the Iorek, or lee scorsbey, or indeed, lyra.

just...just....read it!!

ps/ the clip is just a teaser, the animation is in no way finished yet so don't worry about the crappy rendering

pps/ and yes, these are the books that made me foolishly run around oxford a whole day looking for jordan college. i realise now that it's fictional, and based on exeter college, which, i actually went to in my search. so i'm happy.

2007-03-16T13:03:00.000+11:00

i'm sitting here at the computer wondering if

1. i should do something about this slow as ass internet connection

2. i should go out and start handing out resumes like it's going out of style

3. if i signed up for Virb, if anyone would join me.

it's seriously a pretty site. and looks a lot more powerful than myspace or facebook. but three social networking sites really is overkill.

about the other thing.

yesterday when i packed up everything and i was waiting for the boy to pick me up, i sat there in my living room and felt sick to my stomach about leaving. and now that i'm here, so much further away from everything than i'm used to...i don't know. it's not a mistake because i needed this push, but let's get me back into the crazy hubbub where you can't see the stars and there are 48 places to eat 5 minutes away.

i'm such a pathetic city girl

make me happy by all joining virb? haha no you don't have to.

i'm going downstairs to watch more of the american office. i'm bringing pa goriot with me and no one can stop me. no one can stop me from doing anything.

hey...i feel much better

independence day

2007-03-15T09:51:00.000+11:00

so officially, as of 14 March 2007 at 12:00p.m. your's truly left home. not unprovoked i might add. an imac G5 is now without a screen and many accumulated little pieces of junk has been scattered across all sections of the bedroom. photos have been torn up, broken glass everywhere. behold gladies, the wrath of Mrs. Qin

so until further notice, i shall be situated at residence of the boy. thus turning lazy alice, back into commuter alice. it is however, still cramped corners in house gubbins, so my horde of adoring fans, please be my eyes and ears and be on the lookout for a room in/near the city/uni. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

i'm looking out this window and i see...hope? a future? fair weather?

just some birds and some washing on the laundry line.

i'll get there though. don't you worry yourself about me.

i was camera whoring the night before it happened. so unwittingly, my "girl with sleeping boy story" has become "the last night" in my room.

Guilty Pleasures

2007-03-11T15:36:00.000+11:00

I've been a terrible webstress. i'm terribly sorry. there ain't much to excuse my behaviour. I haven't been particularly busy, or anything less than lazy.

Most of you know by now that in between posts i got my self some kind of inked

and in anticipation of any faq's yes the meaning is three-fold
1. it's my initials. for at least the two outer corners of my name
2. i wanted the queen of hearts for alice in wonderland. "Off with'is 'ead!"
3. it also makes 21 in blackjack (now i know some of you scoff at this as a reason to get a tatt, but think, i'll always remember when i got it right?)

I saw two burlesque shows, spent valentines with a group of fun loving people, went to junkyard cinemas a few times, went to rooftop once, saw a whole bunch of movies that i still need to review properly.

oh and young carilious turned 22

rio (john) who shares the same birthday came to celebrate too. it was a dirty night at a nasty asian rnb club as promised, and carilious went home wasted as promised.

***

Uni started. and for some reason (my lack of communication with admin) i got stuck doing only two subjects this semester. which means i lose my concession, and my will to live. drats. but ho! this means a whole semester of nothing but Blake and C18th crime literature! i can feel the blood rushing back into my head!

and good news my friends. you all know my own personal hero (read: demi-god) felicity colman? well out of the goodness of her heart, some sexual favours and probably a lot of wanting to keep her subjects open, she's decided to award me an h2a for a subject i didn't write a final essay on. she is now elevated to the level of appreciation i reserve for porn stars only in my heart.

speaking of porn stars. ladies and gentleman, is maria ozawa not the most beautiful specimen of the dirty kind alive?
(this woman does hardcore!)

google her yourself you pervert (start by clicking the picture)

i hope you are all well. comment a little so i know you still love me and forgive me for all my misgivings. and i'll check back again. soon. for reals.

a make-up list
5 things alice is loving at the moment

1. the cookies and cream ice-cream in her freezer
2. old goriot
3. NOT the class that's making her read old goriot. lit girls are idiots
4. the boy's guitar lying next to this couch reminding her that he was trying to play classical pieces she used to play on the piano
5. finally getting a blog post out

***

and since this is all on guilty pleasures. here's a secret guilty pleasure of mine. joss stone. i don't know what it is about her. her pretentious bare foot performances, her all american soul mama voice cracked into pieces that only 20 years of cigarette smoking knows how, the fact that she's a 19 years old white girl from kent notwithstanding, i don't get it either. but here she is in funky technicolour and legs that come up to ^here.

i was debating over whether to post this video (i know none of you would enjoy) or a bruce willis performance involving a white trench coat, some glasses that needs explaining, a rock band and a harmonica. but that might be a little too scary to jump back into the saddle with.

until next time.
aq out

that girl and the drum n bass

2007-02-09T17:55:00.000+11:00

i'm sorry about all the delays. i'm just feeling lazy all over. i have lazy in my skin. i have photos to upload but my internet is being an abusive lover giving and taking at its own goddamn random will.

and given the choice to either snuggle up to sugar cubes and watch twin peaks or writing the (now count them!) FIVE movie reviews i have lined up of course i'm going to choose the option with less requirement of trying to string words together.

so to simplify things. a teaser list

5 movies - 5 words

Pan's Labyrinth ***1/2 brutal, whimsy, mandrake!!, ugly, charming

The Fountain **1/2 confusing, dull, mayans, pretty, WTF?!

Stranger Than Fiction **** graphicy, quirky, huckabees, awesomeness, rofl

Pursuit of Happyness *** predictable, freshprince, cutekid, uplifting, reassuring

For Your Consideration ***1/2 cosy, awkward, extras, chillaxin', parkerposeyonewomanshow'd!!!

there you go folks. there's going to be a better post soon. i'm sure of it.

and i'm sorry yoyo.

teaser

2007-02-01T16:42:00.000+11:00

MASSIVE blog update coming soon

i'm talking HUUUUUGE, gargantuan

with what is it now....three missing fives? and one movie review and lots of photos.

hold steady my pretties

My Little Corner Of The World

2007-01-12T14:42:00.000+11:00

I have a new movie review up!! i saw Babel (finally) a few nights ago and poo poo'd it. go read what i said, comment, tell me how stupid i'm being and how i should really give movies a chance before deeming it the most useless, uncomfortable, trivial piece of pretty cinema.

on to happier things. i'm in a cheerier sort of mood, i think there's a chance for me yet. i'm cleaning out my room one little bit at a time, it's amazing what a clean room does to your outlook.

in actual happenings the hermapolitian ogdoad chaser dean was making a short for tropfest on monday and i was there for him as Girl 1. i've been told that it's completed, so i'm itching to go and take a lookie, maybe check out some more of his broccoli porn.

aaah, i feel all cruisy. maybe it's time for this week's fives

5 things i'm craving RIGHT NOW

- chilli fries
- my own troubadour who travels around with me and sings about my life
- starting on a new book
- a night at some horrifying asian club playing inane rnb
- a peach...ooo i have one right here

summer drive

2007-01-07T00:39:00.000+11:00

back from the beach. total sightings of beach? oh, a few glimpses here and there. total amount of time spent on the beach? nudda. the closest we got was the safeway across the street. it was beautiful though. a lot of lying around watching movies we've already seen even though both of us took down a whole bunch of movies we really should be watching. he played a lot of golf, i stayed in and finished reading Perfume. which by the way, the ending blew my mind in more ways i care to share.

he took me driving, it was interesting. i think i like the rolling much better than the accelerate, and the road is preferable to the bushes surrounding the road, i must take a note of that for future references.

i didn't take any pictures for a change, it was much more relaxed than that this time, and we were far too naked for far too much of the time for an actual record of our sojourn.

for now a record of movies that we watched would do: (in place of this week's list)

The Man Who Wasn't There
Fast Times At Ridgemont High
Pretty In Pink
Rebecca
Citizen Kane
(half of) Brazil
The Royal Tenenbaums

I've decided to fire up my movies reviews again. once i start going to the cinema that is. i'll try to write a review of every movie i watched in a cinema in 07 as well as going back and reviewing a few old favourites i mention on this thing. i'm sure five movies in i'll give up but i can only dream.

(away)

2007-01-03T11:52:00.000+11:00

going to the beach

back on saturday

NYE06

2007-01-02T01:35:00.000+11:00

just a quick update everyone. HAPPY NEW YEAR! i have a feeling this is going to be a decent year. what did i do? WELL... there was of course, cokeboy's smashing party (the Dean-A-Palooza) which included some bbq action, a little backyard sports and a game of pin the glasses on the dean. (my only regret is that i forgot to take a photo). I've uploaded a selection of photos on flickr. go take a lookie here.

didn't really take a lot of photos. there was these great shots of dean by the bbq that if you flicked them back and forth it looked like he's dancing, but since i don't have image ready on this computer and the boy's sleeping and it's dark here and i really can't be bothered, i didn't make a gif image. however i do believe this following video more than makes up for it.

in between we went to one of the boy's friend's pool party where there were a lot of half naked boys and sticky floors and bad music. i got scared fast and pulled a totally plastered darren back up to dean's place where we were treated to the 80s movie version of Transformers, Mario Bros. the TV series and a live action HEMAN!

much fun was had (all except for some half hour when the boy went missing, actually he went missing twice and we had to send out a search party. drunk darren likes to explore)

I wrote down some resolutions, but since i'm sitting in a corner of my bedroom trying not to disturb sleeping darren i won't go looking for them. basically involved getting a job, getting my license, and getting a direction.

Happy New Year everyone, I hope you're all ready for 07, it's going to be huuuuuge!

eye candy

2006-12-29T14:45:00.000+11:00

this is a happier linky tech-savy post.

this is a fake, but it's such a pretty fake. if the impending iPhone would look anything like this then i'm going to get my grubby hands on it no matter what it cost.

and DodCopenhagen has put together a list of the top 50 music videos for the year, there's a lot of good stuff here, except for the god forsaken gnarls barkley's effing Crazy, which despite what i put on my Myspace, would always remind me of 2006, best accompanied with some fat kid dancing to it

but then there's some gems. i didn't know death cab's I'll Follow You Into The Dark had a video, that song certainly got overplayed on my iTunes a bit. same goes for the cat power video. Oh and the El Perro Del Mar song, i've only just realised the entire song has a total of two lines. I like her voice better than i like the actual music i think.

an of course there just some awesome awesome videos that'll be good to inspire any budding filmmaker, perhaps someone hoping to make some shorts very soon, perhaps for tropfest maybe, dean ashton i'm looking at you. so go to the link and click them all!

now i'll finish off with

it's like a more interesting stan brakhage. i always said the only thing mothlight lacked was some lounge music.

tidings

2006-12-29T01:21:00.000+11:00

After finishing an utterly unsatisfying 2006 round-up survey on myspace, i thought i'll come spread some love on my blog. What with it being Friday and all. and i've missed last week's list too. so you'll get a double whammy this time round.

what did 2006 do for me? i still haven't come to terms with it been 2006 and now we're slowly creeping into 07. i still can't stand the fact that i've lived 21 years in this world. false hopes. i had a lot of false hopes, right from the start of the year and dragging it's own pathetic self all the way to the end. i also walked into uni with the belief that this year was going to be different. well everything was different, i finally saw through the academic game and decided too late that i hated it. well no actually, i didn't care enough about it to make a decision either way. i just kept going to half the classes and not doing any of the work. i stopped considering what i was learning and started judging the credibility of everything thrown at me.

i pulled myself out of the little corner i scared myself into, only to be crawling along the back wall and clasping tightly on the friendly faces. all the while being absent. i'm still as awkward as i ever was, now with the added self-doubt on top of the self-consciousness and self-analysis. i'm slowly losing control over my temper, without fixing the problem of becoming dreadfully inarticulate when incensed. the nightly round of waterworks is back with a vengeance, it's comforting when i have a pair of arms clamped around me but more often than not it's not here. in a lot of ways i'm much the same as last year, mostly the same opinions, judgements, self-loathing. but then again i can't just write this year off.

There's the boy, who is so unaffectedly beautiful that it kills me to be without him for even a second. but then i get all caught up in my own personal tragedy and i push him away, just so i can indulge in my misery. it's pretty pathetic. and if he acts in a way short of what i hoped he would i start pushing him away again just so i can indulge in my indignity. which is even more pathetic. i still need to get my head around the fact that while i see him as my lifeline, he's not in such a crisis and needs other distractions than my suffocating cries.

and there's all the other people, you've met them in my links panel. they've helped me maintain a facade of sanity. and i've only just realised, holy crap these are friends that i actually choose! and since i seem to make a habit of pushing away everyone who i'm not absoclutely in love with i'm left with quite a selective bunch. i'm opening applications for friends for 07 right now, sign up people, good(/bad) films and philosophical(/inane) conversations await you!

there are certainly some bright spots in my temple of gloom, the import thing is to concentrate on those and forget the others right? well i'm sorry if it's not coming along as easily as i'd hoped but i'm trying. for the moment though, the less i think the better.

so. now i owe you two lists

5 goals

- to continually write something so that i'll have something substantial to show at the end of the year
- to keep hacking and hopefully make some leeway on this acting thing that's not really taking off
- to continually love and adore the boy and making him see just how important he is to my world that something like the fight we had the night of the 15th would never happen again
- to get my p's
- to loose three kilos

5 scenes in 2006

- veronika, bar 20, private room
- horrendously cold cafe in the early early a.m's that bore witness to what could possibly be the most awkward and best first kiss ever
- thursday of that week. he knows why
- second morning at beach house, he was still sleeping, i sat by his side reading Sweet Bird of Youth
- sprawled across my living room carpet clutching the phone and barely breathing, nida had just delt me with a blow and he was angry at me, my world shattered into insignificant pieces

peace on earth

2006-12-27T19:30:00.000+11:00

I'm sitting here watching crap on TV. there's Sandra Sally doing a promo spot for House M.D. there is something so very wrong with hearing that typically deep newscaster's voice calling some old guy with a limp sexy.

I hope everyone had a good christmas. had enough food, got enough loot, enough boozing. this one week leading up to the new year will be the week of atonement. making peace with the past year and getting myself geared up for 07. there's a whole lot of crap going on inside my head right now that i don't particularly feel like airing so publicly here right now, maybe later on some hidden jump. i'm not making life easy for the people around me, that much's for sure. i'm taking a slight emotional break until january 2nd.

but right now there's The Book Of Love on Showtime. with Simon Baker, who i never noticed before but has this very earthy sensuality about him. The fact that his skin and hair and oh his eyes, reminds me so much of the boy, that can't hurt. he was quite dashing in The Devil Wears Prada as well. yes yes it finished downloading a few days ago and i watched it while making wontons with my mum. very pretty crap.

speaking of which, the boy's just messaged me that he's coming over and i should put a few wontons on for him. happy new year everybody.

humbugs

2006-12-21T19:15:00.000+11:00

things to do:

[] to read:
- Perfume
- Spot of Bother
- The Three Bears
- On The Road
- Catch-22
- The Great Gatsby
- Sense and Logic

[] get a job

[] get drivin'

[] finish this list

omg i want this table. it's the devil table!

carve my turkey

2006-12-20T15:06:00.000+11:00

i realized i haven't really had a good rant on here for a long while. maybe it's about time to suck out the poison and let it all go in one mighty huff.

the last couple of months have had some major upping and downing. it's hard to come to terms with something that, even though on the outset you knew was probably a long shot, but deep down you had it pegged as a sure thing. my impossible ability of self denial is incredible.

it all comes down to my childish belief that, no matter what happens, it all works out in the end. the few sober moments i've had when i was forced to face the possibility that maybe this fucker would keep on sucking, i've managed to put out of my pretty little head with mindless fluff. it explains a lot of things really, my growing dependence on sit-coms, ugly duckling transformation reality shows and predictable romantic comedies. my growing resentment towards my waking hours. and my tendency to just block out everything remotely tedious, hence my never ending uni career. everything i've done in a good long while has been in contribution to this all frills (and only frills) approach. it's a little scary. i'm not sure how adaptable i will be to changing.

that's enough of a downer for today. i may be slightly under the influence of these Allen's cola penguins that was in the happy feet goodie bag. there should be a warning on the packaging, having more than 15 penguins may cause extreme discomfort and nostalgia.

as we speak i'm downloading the devil wears prada. no really. i make myself sick. and even though i have a stack of dvd's that i'd ripped of movies i should really be watching, the moment this torrent finishes i'm going straight to the fluff. i was even half tempted to buy D.O.A. yesterday, i might as well cutout the middlemen and shoot straight for the porn. looking for episodes with that girl named ellie from brandibelle.com

oh no, i'm talking about porn again. time to wrap it up i think.

i'm going to the boy's house for christmas dinner. Merry Christmas y'all. or happy holidays or whatever floats your boat. festivus for the rest of us right?

float on

2006-12-15T23:17:00.000+11:00

today kinda sucks. kinda sucks hard.

5 things i want for christmas

1. a freak thunderstorm in kensington, nsw
2. the hope that everything only gets better
3. somethin' cute. maybe a little handbag, maybe some summer dresses.
4. a little energy, to get me going again
5. the iphone. january couldn't come sooner

5 steps out of my slum

1. finish reading love in the time of cholera. i'm getting there
2. buy something entirely inappropriate and i totally can't afford
3. watch an insane amount of movies, it worked last year i'm sure it'll do again
4. ice cream. cake. get my waistline on the up and up again
5. catch up with people: watch shortbus with daphne, badger dean about his tropfest shorts, badger carilious to go clubbing with his girl, pull tregsie out sometime before she flies off again. and everyone else i've neglected over the year. if you're reading this, I'M AFTER YOU

am back

2006-12-13T23:56:00.000+11:00

merry christmas to all and to all a good night

/thanks to cokeboy for the link

drop ins

2006-12-07T13:30:00.000+11:00

hey peeps. mama screwed up a firmware update on lappy and took him into shop. and as we're speaking they're stripping lappy of its plastic to make him all bright and new and *shock horror* WHITE again.

no more posts until mama gets lappy back

or let's make it easier.

no more posts til next friday. 8 days to go!

5 things i'm thankful for

2006-11-24T16:46:00.000+11:00

i'm just a sucker for the holidays, any holidays, even ones i shouldn't celebrate because neither my cultural background nor my adopted culture even acknowledges. such as Thanksgiving.

so here for this weeks list (on a friday finally)

5 Things I'm Thankful For:

1. this city: my oh my how i love melbourne. there's always too much to do and too little time (and effort) to do them. if only everything opened 24hrs. Even the sydney siders agree that it's a much warmer city (and these are the damn bitches that run NIDA).

2. my age: i've finally made my peace with the big two-one. i feel like i'm settling into a new phase of my life now and time isn't running away from me so much. it's still terribly green, but it sounds like it has lived.

3. my health: all except for that damn kink in my back (i'm getting it sorted out tomorrow) i'm tip top condition. i could probably do with a bit more exercise and less lard but hey, there's always next year.

4. the boy: he has really made this half of the year a much happier time.

5. the people: pulling my head out of my own butt has been really great, i actually made some new friends this year. thanks to all who gave me the time of day and letting me in. that's it. you're stuck. forever. TEEHEE~

i'm sorry that was a shitty list. and corn syruppy. but it's true. new years is happening so soon and i just know it's going to get better. this whole year has been great, i got a bit of my confidence back, i'm reading more, i started talking to people again, there was singapore and all the amazing people i met there and i'm at peace with everything. whatever happens next year, i promise i won't let it slip.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T19:05:00.000+11:00

Can't fucking believe it. I actually made it

shortlist. NIDA. breathe woman breathe

you want to fuck me don't you daddy?

the four is not broken up yet

17 y/o blond haired blue eyed bloody talented ryan
big bear of a rugby player with the othello voice anthony
charming hilarious filipino boy john
and me, daddy's girl.

all there is now is the wait.
nothing to it.

i think i've given it a fair shot. let's just hope they liked me enough and will be able to remember me well enough come december 15

RIP R.A.

2006-11-22T17:54:00.000+11:00

Nashville, Gosford Park, The Player, my god even The Company.

the overlapping murmur of conversation, the flowing camera work threading through sets, a silent observer. Robert Altman has showed us a new way, an intimate way of interacting with the silver screen.

yesterday, at the age of 81, the legendary Robert Altman passed away at Cedar Sinai Medical Center, Los Angeles, of complications from leukemia.

i'm only sorry i didn't catch A Prairie Home Companion when it was at the cinemas, stupid boy didn't want to see it.

But you know what? He's already contributed so much to modern film making, and he was recognised for all his work at the oscars this year with his life achievement award, that all it matters now is that he passed peacefully, knowing that his work is loved and appreciated by all. I just wanted to give him a little wink and a nod from my little piece of the internet.

Let's have a Robert Altman Film Marathon. M-A-S-H, Nashville, and Prairie Home. Perhaps sometime next week? if anyone is interested, call or email me, or better yet, deany boy if you're reading why don't YOU organise it?

five fives

2006-11-19T01:41:00.000+11:00

5 things i love about christmas

1. because even after it's over, it's another week til new years. you never have to stop mucking around not doing anything

2. because of new years and the inevitable resolutions coming around the corner, you can eat yourself silly and not feel guilty about it. oh and what i pretend to be egg nog, custard in a cup.

3. the promise of presents. i mean face it, it's almost always disappointing in the end but just the lead up to it is so exciting (by the way, my phone doesn't have excited in it's dictionary, i totally thought i was going crazy and couldn't spell something i learnt in grade 4)

4. stupid christmas themed cartoons and tv shows. it's not as good as halloween but it's a decent runners up

5. the myer windows. it's always stupid and crowded and lately it's all commercially successful children's books but there's nothing wrong with that at all. every year i seem to be lining up to see it on my own. this year i plan to have a posse with me, sometime soon and sometime at night so there won't be a lot of people, who cares the lights won't be on, burke st is looking quite pretty these days. who's in?

5 reasons i need yet another moleskine
this list is purely selfish reasons, i really really want another one but i really really don't need it. so here goes

1. because my reporter 'skine has ran out of the perforated pages at the back and the boy has been checking under his pillow every time i've been over there and now i feel bad.

2. my old one is so full of crap that i get embarrassed whenever anyone wants to look at it

3. it's nearing the end anyway (oh how i lie, i'm only about half way through)

4. i......need........it?

5.

ok i couldn't do it. it'll have to wait.

5 phrases i don't want to hear in the next week

1. i'm sorry but...
2. chinese dragon lady
3. oriental blossom
4. classic passive aggressive
5. there are 6 girls i've seen up in darwin who are all younger and hungrier, and they're all better than you

5 things i thought about "A Guide To Recognising Your Saints"

1. that kid from the disney channel is all grown up! and making out to be a decent actor too. excellent cast all around, especially the kids

2. brutal, brutal film. i squirmed a good five times, with two of them getting some sudden clasping-of-hands-to-mouth action

3. first time director, and you can really tell. some aspects are so fresh and wonderfully exciting cinematically, but then there are some awkward movements from the present to the flashbacks, the overly jerky handicam action etc

4. although the story of the present is quite rich and interesting, the guts of it really lies in the memories, and i mean his books are based on all that so, even though it became more of a homecoming story for the film, it would have probably made a much more interesting movie if it was just the kids in queens. it seriously felt like a cross between mean streets and some spike lee movie.

5. i actually quite like rosario dawson. surprised myself too.

5 things that made me smile today

1. being able to sleep a good two hours longer than the boy and have a freshly brewed coffee waiting for me out of the shower

2. the dandelion i found next to the bus stop

3. my new birk's. they're pink!

4. just being in the NGV giftshop again. eventhough he didn't buy anything. the pencil case that he did like was actually a coin purse that didn't really fit the pens and all the others are either too big or not to his liking. but seeing the little'ons little one was pretty funny. you know what i'm talking about

5. watching a movie on my own again. but with the vital difference of being able to call someone and talk about it while i walk home.

tea party

2006-11-16T22:47:00.000+11:00

ok, normally, i'm against any form of book mutilation. in fact any speck or fold on the cover of even a cheap paperback is a horrifying book crime to me.

but this was just...exquisite

happy one week til my call-back's and thanksgiving everyone!

so far

2006-11-16T18:16:00.000+11:00

so good

TEEHEE~

giddy giddy giddy

GAHHHHH!

2006-11-15T06:24:00.000+11:00

it's now! it's now!

it's all happening today!

GAHHHHHHHHH!

long time comin'

2006-11-11T17:40:00.000+11:00

i kept on typing up posts and deleting them. maybe i'm just over blogging.

i got sick of writing on inferior paper so i gave the paperblanks the ditch. you couldn't tell before with the uniball 207's because it was a gel ink, but now with my fancypants Noodler's you can see that ever second page hasn't been treated properly and so the ink just soaks through. now i'm officially using all moleskine's (by the way people, it's mole-a-skin-a, not mole skin. seriously, what kind of a company do you think it is? it's damn oilcloth).

and i was going to update my out of date meme from last year, you know, the longest meme is the world. but i realised i couldn't actually make it any more or less embarrassing/interesting/entertaining than it already is so that would just have to stay put.

i've gone all mac app crazy again. downloading and then zapping shitloads of perdy perdy apps. and since everyone. and i mean EVERYONE is writing up lists of their top 10's i think i just might as well. and i also know a few people who are thinking of switching so... this weeks list would be another cop out. top 10 mac apps. and since i'm such a cheapskate you betcha most of these would be free.

but since it's such a cop out i'll put it after a jump

Top 10 Mac Apps (for this little lady at least)

10. (free) tangerine - this is still new and in beta, but i'm liking this a lot. it's a playlist generator for your itunes library. you set the minimum and maximum beats per minute, the minimum and maximum beat intensity, you set how you want the music to be sorted (build up to a climax and then work back down, two climaxes, random etc). and then lastly you set for how many hours you want music to play. et voila. i only wish i could use my sizzling keys controls for it though.

9. (free) coconut battery - this one is tiny but useful. no it doesn't just tell you how much battery power you have left, it also tells you how much you have killed your battery by leaving it plugged in all the bloody time.

8. (free) VLC - ok, everyone has this already. but in case you don't, go get it now. to be honest i'm not a huge fan. but i need it simply because quicktime doesn't play everything. (by the way get the divX codec for quicktime so that at least it can play most of your downloaded media. and buy quicktime pro. it's money well spent)

7. (free) journler - it does what it says, but it's linked to your iLife so you can import all your photos, home movies and sound bites into it. you can backdate up a storm and with smart folders, it's a pretty little package. too bad i don't write enough to use it. but i have it always in my dock in case i do. Although i JUST downloaded Park, and i'm thinking, maybe this is just pretty enough and wikkity enough and GTD enough to take journler's place.

6. (free) sidenotes - while we're on the topic, sidenote is pretty nifty. i love the stickies on the mac but sometimes, you just want it to be always there but out of the way you know? sidenote sits out of sight on the left or the right of your screen, and slides out when you mouse over it.

5. (free) senuti - grab songs off other people's ipods. right on.

4. (free) alarm clock 2 - there are plenty of alarm clocks for mac's out there, and all of them do the same things. set multiple alarms with the option of repeating weekly or daily and set it to your itunes. and i admit, there are some prettier ones out there (iRooster comes to mind). but they're all shareware! This one is free, comes with a egg timer, uses growl and stays in your menu bar and doesn't clog up your dock. oh and put it on snooze with your apple remote!

3. (free) MacTheRipper - for ripping dvd's. it's easy, and bomberman tells you at the end that copying dvd's is wrong. BOMBERMAN! he's the bomb! (there's also handbreak for those of you wanting to do a little more, i haven't used it much, i just like bomberman)

2. (free) adium - i know this is in everyone's list. but truth is, i only have this beacuse i CAN'T use iChat. i don't know anyone on it and i don't know anyone on AOL. everyone's on bloody msn. oh and adium is really out of the way and easy and clean with tabbed chats. only trouble is i can't see the customised emoticons all you throw at me, unless it's animated for some reason. but i see that msn messenger for mac has been upgraded to 6.1 so i might give that a go.

1. (free) Quicksilver - i should probably link you to Merlin Mann's 43 Folders. he's nutsy about this. i like it because it's fast(er than spotlight) and can do more. i'm not so whizzy with it yet because i have a life.

there we go. although. clearly there's a few things i've mentioned that are not apps but i'm in love with. such as sizzling keys. control your iTunes whenever wherever with key strokes. the very first mac thingy i downloaded ever. i saw it on Call For Help! and started looking through episode guides on their site looking for this, and that's how i got to Leo Laporte's page, and that's how i got into podcasting and that's how i turned out the way i am today. we all have sizzling keys to blame. but by god it's worth it. also a big fan of witch, command+tab on steroids. and flip4mac for watching wmv files on quicktime. free, free, and free. my god i really did well on the price stakes haven't i?

so go download em little ones, or if you're a pc user go to the sites anyway and drool over how pretty mac apps are and then go SWITCH!

oh wait a minute, this post was supposed to be for the boy. since, you know, i haven't really blogged about him lately (unless you've been sneaking peeks at my vox).

but every so often i'll run across a picture i haven't seen before and i'm totally crushin'

all these essays, gonna be end end of us eh? we're almost there though. and you know, once it's all done, and after my audition, and after the one week trip to singapore, and after all the rest of the auditions (fingers crossed). we'll be free to do ANYTHING. ANYTHING at all. completely and utterly free, without purpose in life. drifting together. and i can slowly creep up onto your to do list again

oh and by the way, i was looking through that rolling stones magazine top 500 songs torrent and hey hey, there's a good few Muddy Waters in there! so meh. you suck more

heterotopias

2006-11-07T00:43:00.000+11:00

many apologies about the list. i was sick of myself by the end of it too. and yet i ran straight out to Groovy (thanks daphne) and bought a little $5 palette.

oh and i got a myspace. again. i know i know. but this time it's prettier, and there's more than just the boy on it this time. so come add me!
oh and the background is a frankie poster, which you can download as a desktop wallpaper.

as you can see, frankie is my number two friend. she would be number 1 if i didn't think the boy would chuck a hissy. oh oh and i'm so excited about this, benji boy (or Benjamin Law as he is known to the rest of the human world) is also a "friend". now i can declare my love for his mother's slippery vagina all over the place (check the latest issue of frankie for reference, no i'm not that weird)

i'm not entirely sure why though. not a hell of a lot to update on. but i did bid (and win) on a super 8 camera at around 4 a.m. this morning on ebay. now i'm regretting it a little. i mean i don't even know if it works. and even though i got it for like $10 USD, the shipping is going to be triple that. just another reason why i shouldn't be allowed a credit card. I haven't paid for it yet. so you guys check it out for me. i mean i can afford a bad rating on my ebay. it's not like i have this amazing track record that i'll be sabotaging.

that's enough for today. really. i should really really be doing some essays or something. or at least doing my monologues. maybe i'll go do that now.

five makeup must-haves

2006-11-04T03:11:00.000+11:00

that's right, i'm going ditsy girlie think pink mode today. it's late, i'm tired, and i really really should be doing work. boys and girls who are like boys roll your eyes.

so here goes:

5 makeup must-haves i probably shouldn't leave the house without in order of application

1. Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturiser - the only tinted moisturiser that actually has a little coverage. i could more or less get away with just that, there's a little reflective sheen to it so i layer a little extra under my eyes. it's a tad on the expensive side though, but i haven't found a good replacement.

2. MAC Sheer Select/Pressed Powder - as good as any i guess, but we always need powder, and this one doesn't crease or settle or look too dolly

3. Bobbi Brown Gel Eyeliner in Black Ink - love love love this. easy to put on (with a brush ladies and gentleladies) and doesn't move. seriously. and sure, it's a tad on the expensive side again, but seriously, i've had my little jar for almost a year now and i'm not even half way in, and believe me, i've been going at it daily. probably the only thing i'm recommending on this list. but get a good brush, a nice thin flat one so you can draw a good line but doesn't require too much precision .

4. Stila Convertible Colour in Lillium - easy peasy and looks pretty in my bag. it's awesomeness in a compact. this on has a lot of fans, stila does good marketing, considering mecca's their only distributor here and they charge crazy mecca tax.

5. Diorshow Mascara - nice and thick, and doesn't straighten out my freshly curled lashes as other wetter mascaras tend to do to my stupid asian lashes. (get this cheap over strawberryNET, FREE SHIPPING! WORLDWIDE!)

because it's such a cop out list, i'll give you five more

6. Shu Uemura Eyelash Curler - compliments of the ever beautiful Danny. it actually works. that's all that matters. do as i did and get someone to get it for you from the states, or now i hear people are going nuts over the kevyn aucoin ones now. speaking of which, i was just starting to go nuts over kevyn aucoin the month he passed away. freaky. and now 4 years after he's passed people are just getting into a product line which he didn't create by the way.

7. Rubis Slanted Tweezer - yeah it's $65. So i'm pretty glad i didn't lose it last time. but boy, it's worth it. it's so sharp it's a damn weapon. and so flat it clasps pretty tight around the pesky little new hairs. you can probably get it cheaper without the mecca tax

8. Bobbi Brown Shimmer Brick in Bronze - yeah it's shit expensive. and yeah i could probably do without it. But since i have it, you bet your damn ass i'm using it every chance i get. that said it is very nice, and adds a nice shimmer (as you'd hope) and in summer i use it in place of a blusher. this should probably be where the MAC pressed powder is in terms of positioning, but it's late and i can't be bothered changing numbering.

9. Cetaphil Cleanser - your regular drugstore $11 for a giant bottle stuff. but the only thing that doesn't make my skin angry. girl can have expensive taste but my skin knows my worth.

10. Kiehl's Lip Balm SPF 15 in Hue No. 30G - it melts. it MELTS your lips, and it's perrdy. i know #1 is the good stuff but i'm liking the little hint of colour and the less thick and glucky texture here

____

yeah...i'm scaring myself too. i should stop spending money. to be honest i generally only have on the tinted moisturiser, the Diorshow mascara and the stila convertible colour (or CC as it is known amongst Vogue Beauty Forums circles, i'm a sad sad woman). i'll stop this. i might even take this post down sometimes in the future when i can think of a better list to replace it. but that'll do for now

boo!

2006-11-01T01:28:00.000+11:00

even though i'm a good hour and half late, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

i know, the most celebrated holiday of the australian calender eh? but it was always my favourite holiday. the dressing up, the candy, the bad movies, the cartoons, the pumpkin, the fact that it marks the end of my birthday month with a bang (yes young carilious, you can smoke without feeling guilty now)

What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?

You will be sucked dry by a leech. I'd stay away from swimming holes, and stick to good old cement. Even if it does hurt like hell when your toe scrapes the bottom.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

mmm...leeches. that's not a bad way to go actually. i mean it doesn't actually hurt, and you can just fade away.

I hope you all had a good day, even if it means nothing to you. i'm just insanely happy around celebrations of death. i sat in borders and read The Raven out to my boy and then went off to scream my head off in drama class. good times all around.

The Who released a new album. i'm probably not the first to say this but WHAT THE?! i actually quite like it. craziness.

Today also marks three months with the boy. by high school standards we're officially going steady. but i hear reese and ryan are splitting up. i had such hope for those kids, but it was bound to happen. No matter how many Crash's and Gosford Park's and Flag's of Our Father's he does, he'll always be the pretty blond boy in an excellent ensemble cast, and she's swimming with the big fish now. i'm not entirely sure where i was going with that, it's just sad. i loved those two as a couple, such cute kids. but yes, our three months. good times, and good times to come.

totally useless post. i'm just procrastinating some more. i've decided i officially hate Hamid Naficy. racist bastard.

let's everyone go do something in the spirit of halloween for me. go read some poe, watch an episode of tree house of horror on youtube, rent the original The Fly, have a toffee apple. who cares we'll be a day late, it's just such a good holiday, don't let it go to waste. i guess that's all i had to say.

Type rest of the post here

two-timer

2006-10-27T22:32:00.000+10:00

i've been playing around with Vox today. you know, that new "mass market" upscaled bastard brainchild of sixapart, you know, the parents of LiveJournal and TypePad and MovableType etc.

it's a mix between LJ, myspace and suchlike social networking sites with some pretty powerful blogging tools. the fact that it's linked to my flickr and photobucket account is all kinds of awesome (i.e. i can add photos from my flickr and photobucket accounts from inside Vox). the side panel lets you list your books and audio (which you can grab from amazon, or upload yourself), and you can create collections with all these lists. the social networking aspect comes from the idea of a blogging "neighbourhood" where people connected to you (as friends or family or just "neighbours") are also linked on your side panel (remember LJ's friends section? cept now it's pretty and you you don't have to go to the profile page)

i won't post a link up yet (although you can probably guess it). It's not totally set up the way i want it, and i don't know anyone on it. But my mind's pretty much set, i'm going to slowly move all my old blogger posts over to Vox and back date up the wahzoo eventually. and then i'll kill this blog properly. until then this would still be where you're hearing all the what's what about me.

to whet your appetite, here's a screencap.

(omg posting pictures using vox'll be so much easier...can't wait)

5 things i could possibly use Vox for

1. a blog for rebel screen?

2. fictional writing

3. a weekly column on what's wrong with the world today

4. bad angsty poetry

5. love letters

all's well...that...ends...well?

2006-10-27T00:54:00.000+10:00

i'm an idiot, i totally just left my wallet in the rehearsal room. now i got it back and i can't use any of my cards because they've been reported as lost.

and emotioal turmoil has all been alleviated also.

funnily enough also because i'm an idiot.

classes finished for the year today. all i did was manage to catch the last 20 minutes of the man who fell to earth, and chatting to dinnersuck daphne (check links panel) while feeling only very remotely connected to the drowned out conversation plaguing the other end of the table where felicity was sitting. felicity being our lecturer, my personal hero, my idol who, if i was ever going to stay in uni, i want to become.

feeling utterly indolent, and it's not even sunny today. i suck. tomorrow. tomorrow.

uni work still to be done, 4 x 1500 words', 4 x 2500 words'. i have about three weeks, i kid you not. amazingly enough only 2 of the 1500 ones are overdue. although they are LONG overdue. pesh.

no jump today, i'll put up this week's list later today, once i think of something good.

update on the awesome awesome ink: still inky, still awesome.

mao mao!

2006-10-25T17:05:00.000+10:00

I wrote this blog out, pen and paper. that's right, it's been drafted. not that it'll sound it. mainly because the boy has surprised me with some awesome noodler's ink (the junk i've been crapping on about to him for as long as we've been going out, and unavailable in australia apparently). i love that he realises the way into my heart is by geeking it up and ordering in the inky black liquid of gods. it writes amazingly well, and no bleed through even on the thinner 'skine notebook paper. so in those respects i've been a happy chappy.

so what else is new with me eh? well....Drama class is going swimmingly. there's only, well, there's four of us now officially. the two other girls aren't exactly taking it all that seriously, Em's there to learn tricks to teach her kinder garden kids (and boy, don't we know it. shut up about the kids already). and newcomer stutterer (possibly intellectually handicapped) alanah, well, she's possible intellectually handicapped.

the above opinions, although just snarky enough to be my own, are not. no no, these wondrous gems of insight were provided by the i'll-masturbate-in-front-of-tony-knight-if-that's-what-it-takes boy Lachy. i can't imagine it actually working if he wasn't so pretty. He was in my first round of auditions last year, and not too shabby at all. he made it much much further than i did, and for good reason. but all that's beside the point.

but all that leads to my current glum.

i lost my wallet.

fuck. shit. shit. frickin. prick. cunt. piss. fuck. frick.

it could have fallen in one of two places;
the front stoop of the house right next to Lynch's on Domain Rd where we sat to bitch about the other two students last night, or Lachy's car when he offered me a lift home after the bitch fest.

This morning consisted of me going down to ANZ to cancel all my cards, making it to uni for all of an hour and 15 minutes before i ran off in a huff, going to cafe 181 and forking out $25 (which i managed to gather from all the pockets in my moleskine's lying around) for what i ate last night to get my id back (long story, just another thorn in my shit-arse day), then going to ANZ with said id to take out some money to replenish all said moleskine's. am pissed, and i need pizza.

i'm not following my draft of this post at all by the way, since i wrote that last night before i realised i didn't have my wallet with me. and i'm in no mood to wax lyrical on Little Miss Sunshine or David Lynch short films or indeed, the state of uni assessments.

so last week's fives after jump

5 things i'd write with my awesome new set up of fountain pen and noodler's ink:

1. this blog entry draft on my pocket ruled reporter 'skine

2. Essay Plans!!

3. Objectives and given circumstances for all three of my monologues

4. shopping lists and to do lists, to give a sense of formality to all my crummy stabs at productivity

5. a thank-you letter to my boy for this awesome awesome ink. (seriously people, try it out. it almost makes what you're writing worthwhile)

ps/ the title of this entry is a reference to Godard's La Chinoise. no actually, it's mostly a reference to the 60s french pop song featured in Godard's La Chinoise. Claudes Channes' poptastic Mao Mao

mossy

2006-10-15T00:39:00.000+10:00

To start things off, i'm going to post here a video made by the lovely coke boy, the hermopolitan ogdoad chaser himself (check out his blog in the linky panel). i think the video speaks for itself really...

it's been a while. i like to think that it's because i've gotten a life and just really haven't been on the computer much, or even that my neurosis have subsided somewhat (for what is this blog other than a place to sprout my on going shit shock crap?). but let's be honest, not a hell of a lot has happened since the last post, and i've been lazy as hell.

when i say that not a hell of a lot has been happening, i only mean that in the sense that there is no concrete list of things that i've done or places i've been or people i've seen. this is by no means a reflection on my current psyche. no, it's been some fulfilling few weeks. ima liking my birthday month.

last week family tregs threw me a birthday party, mama, papa, and brother tregs, tresie and nick, my mother, carilious, and my boy. i couldn't look at them too much, it was the best i could do to keep from crying. it was the sweetest thing, the way they've always opened their doors to me, for me. if it was possible to fall in love with a family then they're my sweethearts. and the 21 presents was pretty damn awesome as well, although some were ever so slightly embarrassing opening in front of my mother.

oh and yes, of course, MAGIC BALLOONS!!!

it was also alice lee's 21st recently. good times. it was like a massive year 11 reunion. which should by all means be horrifying but it was good. sweet even.

check out her sexy back

alice kiss peter

i started reading Love in the Time of Cholera, given to me by my beautiful boy. Only about chapter and a half way through but it's sucking me in. i can just tell that there are going to be some teary moments which would make this highly unsuitable tram ride reading, but to hell with that. there's a restrained elegance about the language, so kudos to the translator. i can only hope that i'll get to feel even just a level of that kind of love, and be brave enough to recognise it...i think i've satisfied the cliche quotient for this post.

the weather has been awful nice lately hasn't it? sunny days with a gentle breeze always buoys me up, it's like a b12 shot, always a sense of new beginnings. i'm learning my monologues, i'm getting there. maybe it's just because i've been feeling so invincible lately but i feel good about them for once. i'll keep you updated.

jump for all the missing fives, i think there's been two

5 people that's been surprisingly rubbing me the right way:

paris hilton
i know i know, but i'm over hating her. i finally got around to watching her sex tape the other day and you know what? i think i "get" her. if i was brought up as privileged as she was i'm sure i'd be JUST like her.

tiffany from st martin's drama class
even though she's in the making of becoming a toorak mum, even though she's just turned 20 and driving a merc, even though to be perfectly honest, she can't really act, she's such a personable sweetheart that i genuinely like her.

one of the drunken friends of the boy
don't hate him because he's all about boozing and hooking up with girls lately baby, love him because in amidst of all this boozing and hooking up he still wants to spend time with you. at least when he's sober, and you find him funny drunk, so it's win-win really.

a ghost of boyfriends past
it's funny how well we get along, and it's disturbing how our conversations always stray to the gutter (probably more my fault than his). but i'm glad you're back buddy.

my mother
she's been yelling less. the overall average decibel of her vocals has been dropped significantly. keep it up woman.

5 past times i've been enjoying lately:

- sitting on the grass on south lawn, half in the sun, half in the shade, and thinking about absolutely nothing.

- riding the tram a few extra stops to read a little more

- MAGIC BALLOONS!! (it's the ongoing story with this blog isn't it?)

- annoying the salesman at australian geographic store, shooting things at other customers and after playing with every single item in the store, buying only a $2.95 spinning top (which is teh sex by the way. it lights up!)

- waking up with my boy next to me in my bed, tracing his back with my finger under the morning light. i've never been happier (and thus i've satisfied the sop quotient of this post)

birthdays

2006-10-02T11:16:00.000+10:00

i'm officially old. but despite most people deciding that there are more important things on, much fun was had. it ended up being just our tiny posse of the boy, cary and dean (oh and dean's friends who's names i'd forgotten the moment they were introduced to me. one of them had awesome shoes that killed her feet too). clicking on the photos will take you to the photoset, they're all in chronological order too so just follow the stream for the full narrative effect.

but here are some highlights

Y+R were great. Karina is officially my hero. that girl's insane, and insanely hot when she's going nuts. which is all the time. i got your dirty kicks!

got some pretty decent loot this year. oh oh, what did the boy get me you ask?
a bonsai tree. it's beautiful, and i'm going to kill it. like how i've killed every other plant that's come into my possession. i'll keep it near a window and hope it does the trick, the photo part of photosynthesis, right?

but thank you baby, for making me happy, and coming to the boring family dinner, and everything else you do for me.

i don't hate birthdays, it's just the organising involved that irks me. but it always just works out. so now i'm old, and have heaps of overdue work. but i'm happy. i'm very happy.

tip-toes

2006-09-30T01:54:00.000+10:00

This is probably the last chance i'll get at posting something before i turn 21. so people, i hope you all hae a good one.

if anyone was wondering, at some stage tonight, between 9 and 12 i'll be at click click waiting for Young and Restless to go on and trying to get my boy to dance. i didn't really invite anyone, so consider this a last minute open invitation to all interested parties.

I got a new haircut, and i'm still getting used to the fringe. well the fact that i had two people tell me it's not as hot as i thought was kinda hard on the self esteem. but i think it's hot. they'll be some photos some time i'm sure. well....birthday photos and all that. and i bought new bedding. Mossimo with 250 thread count so....decent. and it being the first complete set i bought myself i'm feeling all grown up and empowered.

well....to document this momentous occasion, rather than the usual Friday Fives, here's a meme:

Sunday Morning Meme: 50 questions

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
my new hair colour is HAWT!

2. How much cash do you have on you?
all of $25

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"?
MORE!

4. Favorite planet?
MARS!!

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
mum

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Ping Island from life aquatic

7. What shirt are you wearing?
a pink peter alexander tank

8. Do you "label" yourself?
as a hack

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?
i'm in bed, but i was just trying on my new steve maddens: i hereby dub thee, shoes i'll never be able to walk in

10. Bright or Dark Room
dark

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
erm.....wanker (i stole this off the guy who did that craig's list prank)

12. What does your watch look like?
check the last post

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
talkin on the phone with my boy

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
"baby. work sucks. i'm sick of these people. you are so great to me. thanks for everything. i miss you lots. love you baby" 10 bucks for who it's from

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
within my block

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
like...

17.Who told you he/she loved you last?
my boy

18. Last furry thing you touched?
my stuffed cow

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
none.....cept for that one cigarette i had yesterday

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
what...in my life? a good truckload

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
as of tomorrow, 21

22. Your worst enemy?
kirsten "troll" dunst

23. What is your current desktop picture?
there's a running theme here...my boy

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
goodnight mum

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
practically, i'd take the money. but if i were to be selfish, i'd take flying anyday

26. Do you like someone?
oh i'm in lurrrrve

27. The last song you listened to?
OK GO - can't remember which. i've been trolling the dance contest videos and got excited

28. What time of day were you born?
6:00 a.m.

29. What's your favorite number?
6

30. Where did you live in 1987?
in china

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
miss scarlett

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
doubt it

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
asleep

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
try and pound it a little, then wait for someone to help me

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
i like to think so

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
i want my queen of hearts and ace of spades on my pelvic bone, little wings on my right ankle, fire on the base of my left foot, and some profanity inside my lower lip

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
spanish

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
yes

39. Are you touchy feely?
veeery

40. What's your life motto?
err...maybe

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
pocket ruled reporter moleskine with a uniball signo RT 0.38, my wallet, cell

42. What's your favorite town/city?
melbourne

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
my new steve madden patented bright fire engine red stacked heels that i can't walk in

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
can't remember...but i write letters all the time, i just find it easier to hide them under pillows

45. Can you change the oil in a car?
nooo...

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
that he may or may not come celebrate my birthday with me tonight

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
my great grandmother who was beaten and killed in front of my mother

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
erm.....i guess it'll be Mel's 21st when i wore my black and white polka dotted empire line strapless lil ditty

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
nope, cept for my toe which still remembers the pain from trying to walk in my new shoes

50. Have you been burned by love?
it's never the love part that burns is it?

catch-ups

2006-09-28T22:55:00.000+10:00

three blissful days later, i'm back, and it feels like i'm picking up from where i left off. it's even weirder this time, since the mess in my room still looks exactly the same. it just feels like i've been out partying and came home at some obscene hour, except i'd lost three days.

but those were some nice three days.

the application forms were signed and sent (well the important one is sent anyway, the other one would go soon, very soon).

along with the application forms i had to attach some passport sized photos. desperate and sama-less, i had to make do.

they're not as terrifying as last year's. they'll do. they replied, the audition is on November 15th. which means i can't go to Sing for Happy Feet. i'm going to have some painful emails to write tomorrow...

there's more after the jump...

the three days were spent lying around half naked, watching dvd's we'd brought with us, reading (a depressingly little amount), and mostly just lying around half naked. it was beautiful.

the amount of food we'd consumed was also quite beautiful. he'd suggested we should start our own food blog, but really, who'd want to see our greasy fry-ups day after day? this was dinner on tuesday night. the burger to end all burgers. i was K.O'd my little mouth couldn't even wrap around half of it at a time. he did better than me, and didn't leave as much of a mess. and tried to console me by telling me it's the equivalent to that of what he makes when he has asian food.

and it was followed in the morning by the following:

no you're right, that wasn't all. between the two of us we managed to polish off four sausages, four eggs, eight rashers of bacon, five mushrooms, two onions, three bread buns and an extra slice of bread and at least a litre of orange juice. project lose three kilos is flying high.

today i say. i start doing things today. (that krispy kreme carilious brought me just punched me back down again)

oh oh i got my watch! two years coming...and finally i have my hands on it, actually it has hands, on me...geddit? oh i'm so lame. but the watch is kickin some butt. check out my girl eva green rocking it

not too shabby eh? mine has a black face instead of the blue. (and she looks mighty fine and naked in The Dreamers if anyone's interested) she might actually make the new bond worth watching, despite the shite song and the shite mug on that shite daniel craig man

so after shopping, and eating some more (blue sky! cheap and tasty! some little alley way off lil bourke opposite a club X) we went in search of those baseball glove chairs at central. we managed to find where they all went to pasture, with somd DJ uncomfortably near us, actually the DJ i didn't mind so much, the speakers and the squat security guard dancing along did. and while we just just sitting there not doing all that much. a bunch of alice in wonderland characters flittered in for a photo op. there's twiddle dum and twiddle dee with Queen of Hearts. the two ditsy alice's were away somewhere dancing in their white knee-high go go boots. it was only then we realised it was the launch of On 3 in melb central. not all that interesting, but we did get to see people flying on poles...

so there, that's me up to date. what's left? oh right, the fives i forgot to put up all week...

A (Materialistic) Birthday Wishlist - 5 things i want

1. my watch (GOT IT! yayness, this is one to do list i can perform on!)

2. a trench coat (four years later and it's STILL in the magazines?)

3. a new ipod (i want my entire library in my pocket dammit!)

4. my Eyre Affair back from jazz (seriously woman, hand it to me)

5. the boy and zac's soon to be recorded EP (whenever it drops, hook me up)

mp3ness

2006-09-22T03:53:00.000+10:00

as you may have noticed (provided your Internet connection is up to speed), i've laid down some tracks to accompany this blog. in the interest of keeping people on the page i've decided to go with the least offensive track ever (albeit very sweet) to hit things off before settling into the JT.

i'm blogging at 4am again because i can't sleep. i hate getting home after the sun rises. we went out for late night cheesecake last night (and steak, after the cheesecake, don't ask) and my dear boy decided it's fine to run the battery down just to play some music while in the car. RACV was called, no tears were shed, but falling asleep with all the damned birds chirping outside just doesn't sit well with me. and the fact that the left side of my back is shockinly sore doesn't make things any better.

in less annoying news, someone has triple posted the same comment on one of my video posts from way back when.

Your very pretty, whether this is a true blog or not... unfortunately you don't have "it" that makes "lonelygirl15" a blog to watch for. Sorry, but I still think your very pretty :)
- jeromecruz

erm...ok dude. first off. why are you watching it? there's only that one video blog post so clearly i'm not some major "lonelygirl15" scale production. and who prompted you to compare it to lonelygirl15? get lost creep.
as much as i love youtube hunting, the community scares me in so many ways.

i know it's friday already, i'll have this week's list up shortly. once i think of what to make a list of...

essay report: not progress, not even close.
nine days until the big two one. still no plans. i need someone to hit me really really hard, maybe so hard that i'll go into a coma and wake up and it'll be all over, and people would feel so sorry for me that they'll throw a party for me. please?

i heart hearts

2006-09-20T00:20:00.000+10:00

just checking in, to you know, procrastinate some more

the adventures didn't really take off. instead i went out for dumplings with cary and the boy, and mooched various things to watch and listen to off the both of em.

among them, season three of entourage.

they toned down the celebrity cameos but kept the gut wrenching satisfying put downs they throw each other, the pure awesomeness that is vinny chase, and the only conniving son-of-a-bitch i'd want to fuck over my career, ari gold. it's the best kind of trash, i mean where else are you gonna see DJ adam line up for some limited edition sneakers?

i'm getting tired, maybe i should just admit defeat and call it a night. this fucking essay...it's gonna be the death of me

i officially have A Better Tomorrow in german on my computer. people who don't specify the language of their foreign film torrents need to DIE DIE DIE!!!

much like john tucker....
any takers? some time this week?

anyway, some sillies to see you out.

you're the colour, you're the movement, you're the spin

2006-09-18T14:13:00.000+10:00

this essay is never going to get written if i don't do something drastic.

i'm going off on an adventure today!

i'll go someplace i don't know, walk around some foreign neighbourhood, maybe watch a movie at someone else's local. i'll leave my phone at home, and most of my money.

loneliness was such a great motivator. not necessarily for uni work (god knows), but for the self. i was always so terribly aware of myself and exactly where i was. i need to go find that again. to all the good people who reads this blog: a brief farewell

-exeunt-

merry paramour

2006-09-18T13:44:00.000+10:00

i remember once, when i was much younger and a hell of a lot dumber, i gave away all my books in make believe auctions bartered with play money that i made. not only my books, my dad's books. this was way back when it was just the old man and me. he couldn't understand why i would be so generous with the books, which meant a hell of a lot more to me, than the all the dresses they shovelled off to my cousin. i guess in my young mind, i had a really warped idea of fairness, and deservings. my friends had already paid me enough in attention, and love. and they would treat the books with as much care as i did. my little cousin however, spoilt rotten as she were, did not appreciate all the things my dad and grandparents picked out to ship off to her. mostly dresses that no longer fit me, but sometimes graphic novels which she won't read. i always felt betrayed when i came back to find something gone and knowing it had gone to her. i would've quite happily given it all to the neighbouring kids if i'd known they were going to do that.

i made that decision very early on. blood is certainly not thicker than water. and people who are kind to me, deserve everything.

although i still live by that principle, after all the politics of highschool, i've learnt to be a lot more selfish. until that is, questions of love came into the equation.

i'm still as confused as ever. i've watched enough romantic comedies to get the point drilled in; that if you're not being honest then in the end everyone gets hurt
but it's never as easy as that is it?

so as i shout my mantras in my head
(WE ACCEPT!
ONE OF US!)
i'll just stumble along hoping something sticks.

good morning sleepy head

2006-09-18T03:31:00.000+10:00

my phone was vibrating on my desk this morning. and i wasn't sure if it was either a call or my alarm, i must have hoped it was a call. that's the only explanation for me to get out from under the covers. only my desk was too far away, so i had to just take one step. i scrapped the underside of calf along the edge of my bed trying to get to my phone, only to realise that it was my alarm. set at 7:15 because it got me confused with some other diligent uni student who wakes up at obscene hours during the holidays.

so not only did i have to suffer the searing pain (note the searing, i have mentioned previously that i sometimes enjoy a soft ebbing subtle pain but no, there was nothing subtle about this morning) but also the disappointment. and now i'm left with a scar down my leg, and it's still sobbing now.

disappointment's a funny thing. because you can only get disappointed if you'd hoped. i never took myself to be an optimist, snarky and bitchy as i am, so how come i'm disappointed a lot? i'm too much of a believer, in good things. it's what landed me here, not really doing anything, just drifting. as cynical as i can be i still think that things would just work themselves out eventually.

well no more i say. get ready for a whole new me. in 12 days and 20 hours i will be twenty-one. and legal all around the world. and i'm not about to step into it disappointed. scarred leg and all.

still no party though, because organising is a bitch.

wow...that rant took on a completely different path from what i had planned. but if making my own happiness is the theme then i guess i could get behind it. it's just that...3:50a.m. i'm sitting here blogging to god knows who. four hours ago he said he's going for a coffee and 40 minutes left of a show he was watching and never came back. it's becoming a habit of his, a frustrating habit. throwing in a "I'll call you!" at the end of conversations just because it's required, well in my world that generates expectations. and all the vacuous "xoxo"s. i'm dating a teenage girl (with a large wardrobe comprising of pink and pastels).

so liar, when and if you read this, give me a call.

five favourite things to do in the sun

2006-09-17T03:10:00.000+10:00

- sitting out on chapel st with good friends sipping a cookies and cream chiller

- watching girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes

- dreaming i'm someplace far more exotic with scantily clad grecian gods feeding me grapes (or the boy, whatever)

- looking for empty lecture theatres

- dandelions! fly my pretties...

and because my approval ratings go up whenever i post anything to do with this little lady...

bits and blobbies

2006-09-16T21:14:00.000+10:00

because i haven't posted any photos of my boy since his haircut...

that's right, we take videos of each other taking videos of each other. only i was clever enough to stop my video-taking to take a photo. we're the awesomest kind of suck. BAM!

and while lying about south lawn the other day we managed to spy young alex and her new toy canoodling. and the following will show off my awesome paparazzi skills

oh and carilious dragged me out clubbing last night, to his friend's birthday (Happy birthday Terry!) and it ended up being a pretty good night.
and to prove it all, here's a picture of rita flipping cary off

bring back the sun

2006-09-14T00:50:00.000+10:00

one of these days i'm going to feel guilty about rocking up to my tutes without reading anything or even watching the movies. but i'm still not gonna do 'em

a boy on the tram was wearing tee and shorts. and fingerless gloves. woolen ones, with red and black stripes. and a silver chain bracelet OVER the fingerless woolen stripy gloves. i bet you any money that he's sleeping alone tonight. fucking posers.

still doesn't beat the shock of the following image:

Steph Mac, in standee form
ARGH!

JB, we need to talk, i understand that you need to stock whatever crap the australian corporate sluts put out and all, but that was just not cool. without any warning either. just, right there... (To see it in action, just visit JB Hifi elizabeth st between the two pop/rock sections)

and explain to me again the boots?

and oh, what's this i see? you can actually win a signed standee?!?! fuck...standee is 165cm tall, i remember her being shorter than that. and fatter than that too, some major photoshopping action there my friends. i'm totally buying her album now. the woman has a standee.

:update:
OH HO! she's recorded a cover of wishin' and hopin'? as in what we were doing in ensemble 11 back in year 11? dear god. i can hear the ringtones haunting my tram line now. i'm gonna need bigger headphones.

we've conquered lecture theatre C

2006-09-12T20:24:00.000+10:00

after threatening to do so all six weeks. *ahem* yes...

beeeaaaautiful day today. lazed about south lawn all morning pretending to do the readings that i was supposed to have done by now, and went off to my tute presentation having only read half of all three articles. i've gotta say, as far as tutors go, wendy is teh bombest. kicking in when i needed her to and dragging my half articulated points to something a lot more substantial.

the let's-see guy went off his face. mars attacks went down a charm. i won't have to hand the paper in until after the holidays. everything was just peachy.

all of a sudden i feel like i might just be on top of things again, i'm pretty sure i'll have another panic attack sometime soon but today? i'm invincible today.

remember that quiz i did a year ago? well....i decided to do a recount...

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.4
Mind:	6.3
Body:	5.9
Spirit:	6.8
Friends/Family:	3.2
Love:	7.7
Finance:	5.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

i see a vast improvement in one particular area =P how come my family and friends are still so low?

fangirl

2006-09-10T22:15:00.000+10:00

so australian idol started properly tonight. and you know what? they don't suck as much this year.

i am officially a bobby flynn fangirl (based on one performance, that's right, but we all know how it's all going to end...chanel cole anyone?). and i like that kyle is a judge, it means there aren't any overly ugly peoples in idol this year

aside from that (thrilling) report...yeah i know i'm pathetic...nothing was achieved today. i had such plans. i was going to do my tute presentation for 50s cinema and pound out a rough plan for hong kong cinema...it'll just have to wait i guess. although i did manage to clear the crap off my desk (onto the floor under the desk) and clean up my desktop on both computers (straight into my "to be sorted" folder) and reorganised my bookmarks toolbar (read: deleted the broken links). real productive. nod.

oh and i've narrowed down to four (currently in stock) tee's that i want from threadless...

the best shirt ever!
Communist Party

and some random cutesy stuff...

i still don't have any photos to show...well considering i've been home all day it's hardly surprising. oh oh i heard yesterday that a friend of a friend has just gotten herself a recording dealy...and since i'm not exactly friends with her i can happily bitch and moan here that she, being the rich bitch that she is, totally does not deserve it. no i'm not bitter, not one bit.

O'Sailor
by fiona apple, the once golden girl MTV darling. well she's still beautiful, and i'm still in love with her.

Revival of the Movie Reviews

2006-09-10T00:42:00.000+10:00

i have just come back, from something that was so shockingly bad, it has prompted me to revive my long dead movie reviews. although it's a pretty bad review. but you know, it doesn't deserve any better. take a lookie.

boy has a new haircut! but boy is not happy with the (lack of) length to his new haircut so girl shall refrain from posting pictures until boy is happier.

and on a scale of one to ten in terms of how fucked this girl is for her uni, i'd say she's at purple backwards.

there hasn't been much eye candy on this blog. i'm going to whip my camera out more often now and take pictures of things other than just the boy. maybe a bird, or a bee, or even the....no no, i won't go there.

i'm in a chipper mood tonight. and the JT is starting to sound a lot better, although, it still ain't no justified.

i could've been watching holly valance getting naked, instead i had to see the atrocities that was silent hill. carilious, i blame you punk! gumption or no.

pill poppin

2006-09-08T00:44:00.000+10:00

and not the good kind either. you know what? illness is funny. so i've started a medical journal. it's good readin' so far. finally got off my ass and saw a GP, a funny kinda fella who asks about "vigorous sex" and lectures you on how "the price of love is always tears, even if it's sixty years later and he dies, or if six weeks later it all falls apart."

i like him. i think i will be going back.
aside from the unpleasantries, which i shall spare you here, other pills were prescribed. i'm feeling all empowered, like i'm finally a modern woman. actually gettin something that kicked off the liberation way back when is very different from gettin some new found easy fix solution. and it also means that some strange man wouldn't have to see my ass every three months, which is always a good start.

my VOX invitation came through, just when i'm getting stuck into the blogger beta. (wordpress, as fancy as it can look, is idiotic. not letting people get at their templates? what is this insanity?!) so i'm all conflicted. although VOX is looking a lot like a mix of blogger, livejournal and myspace. which is a scary concept, undoubtedly fun and rating very high on the soul sucking levels, but maybe not the right addiction for now.

i need some food. pronto.

because i'm am teh lazy, why don't ya'll call me if you're going to be free on the 30th sept (sat night). there are no actual plans but...i'm sure i'll think of them as the day approaches. twenty-one bitchness. am freakin' old.

and since it's friday already...

5 phrases i don't want to hear the next four weeks.

"so...what do you want for your birthday?"
"so...when are you graduating?"
"so...what are you going to do after you graduate?"
"so...how are those essays coming along?"
"I think we should see other people"

sillies

2006-09-06T02:22:00.000+10:00

-Float-On://
MSN
if a guy's density base rating is 20, then it multiply's by a factor of 1.6 by each shade of white

jump for more sillies

-Float-On://
MSN
2:36
i heart baby panda's
2:37
there's seriously nothing cuter.
2:37
maybe baby turtles

-Float-On://
MSN
2:41
kill that hairy fucker!@

you know what...you need to see the rest of it. but only if you have a strong stomach

puss caterpillar: 1
puss caterpillar: 2

earth pin

2006-09-04T23:54:00.000+10:00

so apparently this blog has been too personal. well let's face it, it's been a down right smoochfest, in more ways than one. so this is to bring it all back to ground.

there's a gentle urgency in a few things that really should get done very soon. handing in my applications for NIDA and VCA for example. but filling out the "experience" section is so depressing. and perhaps even choosing the three monologues. all "that" is still a big scary mess that i don't really want to touch even though i want to be apart of it all. for now i'll just lay in my cocoon and dwindle.

i wants me some keds

i haven't really been about much lately. i mean as a person, who you know, does stuff. i'm poorly lacking in the "doing stuff" department. it's just that everything else tastes pale on the tongue. all i want to do is be with him, and doing absolutely nothing. i no longer have any interests. that's vaguely horrifying.

i've never been able to answer people straight when they ask me what i'm into, because you know...well....movies, isn't everyone into movies? and even that. not even the screenings for my uni subjects. that really needs to change. a chinese ghost story tomorrow, and b-grade goodness (The day the earth stood still). i'll make a note.

so that's my life, movies i haven't watched, books i haven't read, the mixtape that's been overplayed, and the boy. i'm still crazy about the boy.

oh and steve. poor steve.

mela melan

2006-09-03T23:31:00.000+10:00

fucking-cholia

little things fuck me up majorly. little words get under my skin, little lapses, of silence, well they just....who gives...

some little ditty is getting mighty excited about getting a new blog. linky panel has been re-linked accordingly.

doing magazine returns and listening to JT's shithouse album... could it get any worse?

fucking hate this eh? but it's not even your fault. but it'll be good if you, you know, paid more attention. first i cried in a long long time, on the guest bathroom floor with the lights off, doing my silent howling thing. i'm over it now, i went out for a smoke in the freezing cold. i'm over it. but god, just call me you idiot.

just got your message. stupid boy.